To ask how to get men interested in/attracted to me?

[youcantescapeyourownmindrose]

I know it's not a one-size-fits all approach, but sometimes I feel like men like me as a person and think I'm attractive but are missing some chemistry. It may not even be something I'm doing necessarily, might just be bad luck however I'm wondering if there's something I can do to improve it.

I'm 33, this will put some men off for a start, not because it's old at all but because some will want women under 30.

I don't think my looks are an issue (I know that probably sounds arrogant to say, it doesn't mean I think I'm perfect!) I mean I'm slim, make an effort with hair, clothes etc. I don't have an overly fake look and I get compliments from people.
I have a dark brown bob, which again might not be everyone's type. I am fairly tall (though the men I am into are at least my height) but some men might prefer a petite lady with blonde hair, which I wouldn't take personally at all.

Some men seem to be initially attracted but later down the line don't feel chemistry. I've been told they really like talking to me, we have a lot in common, they think I'm funny/interesting/intelligent/kind. They've said I have a lot going for me, stuff like that.

I don't expect to get into a relationship after 3 dates, I don't send 20 million texts or want to meet up every single day. That said, I don't have an issue with showing my interest, I'm not good at playing it verrry cool/playing games, but I don't come across as obsessive either (I hope!)

I own a flat, have plenty of hobbies, speak other languages and am financially independent.
Honestly don't think I'm desperate! Someone might say that but I'm not.
I wouldn't date absolutely anyone and I am enjoying a lot about being single. I don't think I give off vibes that I'm desperate for a man, I'd rather wait for someone who's worth it.

I like to joke, I show an interest in the person and try to make them feel at ease. I can be a little shy at first and maybe come across slightly nervous?
I try to show vulnerability and I'm not saying I will discuss mental health with all and sundry but I'm ok with being open about stuff.

I don't know, it might just be bad luck! I was rejected after a 5-hour date and he couldn't give a specific reason (it may have been nothing to do with me)
Or, I've been rejected after a few short-term things. Two of the men told me they considered themselves ugly and didn't know why I was into them (possibly just an excuse). Another said I didn't 'challenge' him.

I'm just looking for general info. I have a complete life, I know chemistry can't necessarily be engineered (or can it?) but any feedback would be great!
To put it simply, in my eyes usually telling someone you don't feel the chemistry means you don't find them attractive enough or there's something about them you don't like?
I may be wrong, but I can't imagine being attracted to someone, we've tons in common and we're compatible, but I just don't feel the chemistry?

Honestly, don't bother. If he likes you because of you, great. You don't need to put on a show/mask that will slip later. Anyhow they basically want to do the one in nearest proximity, no effort necessary.

Confident people are very attractive OP. Someone who can make good conversation and has a good sense of humour is attractive.

I don't expect to get into a relationship after 3 dates

Why not? You're in your 30s, if a man isn't at least showing interest in you after 3 dates, drop him and move on. Dating is just a numbers game. Stop wasting time on men who aren't putting in effort from the start.

Men want what they can’t have so maybe you are being to nice to them, make sure they know you are busy and that you don’t intend to date for long.

If you're looking for a long term relationship, make sure from the beginning he'll do a good amount of chores - check how clean his house is, whether he likes to cook. Too many women end up doing all the housework and resentful because of it.

That's true. I should've said I'm not someone who tries to force relationships and is desperate to get into something quickly sort of thing. Well I'd like to hope.

Sadly I think that's part of it. I am generally nice to them, I think it's just my personality.

I tried recently to be very 'blase' with one though and I think it made him interested for about a week longer, then he just stopped speaking to me as he probably figured it was pointless and got bored.

Funnily the last one who rejected me said he really liked talking to me, I was really funny and we had tons in common. He told a mutual friend that we talked all the time.
Still, it wasn't enough 🤣

Not always true... i found if I'm nice they think i want more... and ended up on "dates" which i thought were just socials urgh

That's good to hear! You're obviously moving in the right direction. Just because one person didn't feel the spark, doesn't mean the next one won't.

Ime when men claim 'no chemistry' with a woman they like and find attractive its because she's not giving off signals she fancies them. Men typically think there is 'chemistry' when a woman shows them she finds them attractive and may sleep with them. So the quickest way to make a man think there is chemistry is to flirt with him. Laugh at his jokes, act like he's fascinating and hint you find him desirable. Note, I'm not advising you to do this, as most are not worth the effort. However to answer your question, with most men, this is all that's required.

What an odd response. Please reread the op, she’s asking how to get men attracted to her. What part of that requires the response, check how clean his house is 😂😂😂😂😂

That does make sense. The thing is after one date I really felt I'd given 'not interested ' vibes, so to show that I was interested, I texted him suggesting another date. However he wasn't.

What @5128gap said. If you are interested in them are you making it clear? I’m pretty flirty by nature, and can tell you it 100% makes a difference.

I thought me and this guy had good 'banter', and
I thought I had been clear prior to the date.
The date then lasted 5 hours, I admit I wasn't 100% sure of how attractive I found him but I was more than open to a second date.
I text him suggesting it but he didn't want one sadly.

I agree with people saying that flirting makes a big difference. It makes people want to be around you because they feel attractive and it is fun.

I think I'm scared of flirting unless they've been clear they're interested. I'm worried it'll look cringy and desperate. I don't know why.

Where are you meeting these men??

The best relationships often come from randomly meeting someone through a hobby where you have something quite specific in common.

You tend to meet people when you're not actually looking!

How attractive are you finding them?

Honestly it's hard to fake or boost 'chemistry'. If it's there it's there and if it's not, it's not, y'know?

Maybe they are liking you but can feel there's no genuine spark back.

If there is genuinely no natural spark back (from you) then it's better left alone. Perhaps when you meet 'the one' (one of the one's - there's more than one obvs) then you will both click.

False flirting doesn't cut it IMO. When you meet someone you are genuinely attracted to, you won't be able to help yourself. It'll be so natural, that they will pick up on the vibes.

If someone makes you feel butterflies of possibility, that’s the person you naturally flirt with - your eye contact becomes longer/eyes dilate/your body will be positioned towards them, attention simply becomes focused…if you aren’t feeling it with these people maybe they aren’t with you. It’s all chemistry at the end of the day.

Practical tips - nice smelling shampoo, understated but interesting jewellery, neat nails, good bag/shors, enthusiasm for what you are talking about/doing, quiet confidence in yourself.

I agree with @5128gap . However being a naturally flirty person with both men and women, I have been accused of misleading people before.

Oddly enough when it comes to someone I fancy, I turn into someone cold, standoffish and serious - not a good combination for someone to approach.

I am at that stage of my life now whereby I just stopped trying to figure out how to attract.

So what sort of interests do you have? Looks may be the first thing that attract but something in common is a must. You cannot make or force chemistry it’s there or it’s not. In fact moulding yourself is a huge mistake. Say you met someone who likes football or opera or fishing or jive and they spend time, money and energy on that hobby and you hate it. But you go along with it from day one to appear interested, then what ? Lots of people couple up with literally bugger all in common. Now in my fifties I see three friends divorcing because of this. It’s why loads of people break up once children leave. No kids anymore is no distraction and they have nothing in common at all.

I have quite a range of interests really and have generally found a lot of common ground with men I was previously interested in.
I appreciate the advice given and will take it on board.

I don’t think chemistry can be forced/engineered and I honestly think some people do just give off “friend” vibes rather than “sex/relationship” vibes! One of my husband’s best friends is the perfect example of this, he’s tall, has a really good job, owns his own place, he’s very generous, he’s gorgeous and we always joke could be a model, he’s also one of the most lovely and kind people I’ve ever met, on paper he should have been snapped up years ago but he’s still single. Not for lack of trying he gets a LOT of interest, lots of women asking him for his number and asking him out, a couple of my friends over the years have asked us to arrange double dates because they were interested in him, but they all end up saying the same thing, he’s an amazing friend but there’s just not that chemistry there! There’s someone out there for everyone though and he’ll find his perfect woman one day, so will you, just be true to yourself! X