To ask how to get men interested in/attracted to me?

[youcantescapeyourownmindrose]

I know it's not a one-size-fits all approach, but sometimes I feel like men like me as a person and think I'm attractive but are missing some chemistry. It may not even be something I'm doing necessarily, might just be bad luck however I'm wondering if there's something I can do to improve it.

I'm 33, this will put some men off for a start, not because it's old at all but because some will want women under 30.

I don't think my looks are an issue (I know that probably sounds arrogant to say, it doesn't mean I think I'm perfect!) I mean I'm slim, make an effort with hair, clothes etc. I don't have an overly fake look and I get compliments from people.
I have a dark brown bob, which again might not be everyone's type. I am fairly tall (though the men I am into are at least my height) but some men might prefer a petite lady with blonde hair, which I wouldn't take personally at all.

Some men seem to be initially attracted but later down the line don't feel chemistry. I've been told they really like talking to me, we have a lot in common, they think I'm funny/interesting/intelligent/kind. They've said I have a lot going for me, stuff like that.

I don't expect to get into a relationship after 3 dates, I don't send 20 million texts or want to meet up every single day. That said, I don't have an issue with showing my interest, I'm not good at playing it verrry cool/playing games, but I don't come across as obsessive either (I hope!)

I own a flat, have plenty of hobbies, speak other languages and am financially independent.
Honestly don't think I'm desperate! Someone might say that but I'm not.
I wouldn't date absolutely anyone and I am enjoying a lot about being single. I don't think I give off vibes that I'm desperate for a man, I'd rather wait for someone who's worth it.

I like to joke, I show an interest in the person and try to make them feel at ease. I can be a little shy at first and maybe come across slightly nervous?
I try to show vulnerability and I'm not saying I will discuss mental health with all and sundry but I'm ok with being open about stuff.

I don't know, it might just be bad luck! I was rejected after a 5-hour date and he couldn't give a specific reason (it may have been nothing to do with me)
Or, I've been rejected after a few short-term things. Two of the men told me they considered themselves ugly and didn't know why I was into them (possibly just an excuse). Another said I didn't 'challenge' him.

I'm just looking for general info. I have a complete life, I know chemistry can't necessarily be engineered (or can it?) but any feedback would be great!
To put it simply, in my eyes usually telling someone you don't feel the chemistry means you don't find them attractive enough or there's something about them you don't like?
I may be wrong, but I can't imagine being attracted to someone, we've tons in common and we're compatible, but I just don't feel the chemistry?

That's interesting, why do you think that is?
Is he not flirting with them or something?

Finding people attractive isn’t desperate or cringy. Flirting suggests that you might find them attractive, nothing more. Try it out and see how it goes.

I'll try it. I mean it'd feel embarrassing if they didn't respond and I just looked stupid.

I think he just gives off friendly vibes rather than romantic vibes! I’ve been on double dates with him and others and he does flirt, he’s a genuinely lovely person, very calm and level headed, he’s not the type for drama and I think lots of women secretly love a bit of a bad boy, a bit of a chase, he often jokes he’d have more luck if he was a dickhead😂 and I honestly think that’s true! He is honestly one of the kindest and most genuine people I’ve ever met and I think he gives off a very calm, safe vibe which maybe a lot of women interpret as more of a friend, someone you can rely on, rather than a romantic “I want to rip your clothes off” partner. As a result he now has lots of female friends who were failed dates and now besties, but still no luck in the dating game!

Oh op. You just haven't met the right person. You will. Then it won't be complicated & you won't need to second guess.

Could you ask your good friends to set you up with people?

I feel so bad for him! He sounds great and it's a shame that grown women are still looking for a 'bad boy' who will inevitably treat them that way.

Youve just not met the right man. At 33 you arent going to change and it doesnt sound like you're doing anything wrong so what else can you do to attract men other than be a lady of loose virtue.

I definitely felt a bit red/flustered around the last guy I liked/had a date with.
I deliberately sat close to him, told him I liked his teeth (random I know) told him that I loved how he always remembered what I said and also that I imagined X hobby kept him fit.
Does that sound flirty?

The man should be doing the running. Maybe he's a bit intimidated by your confidence. Most fellas would think they were well in if you were dropping all those buying signals. I think you should be more cocky. Take the piss a little, get him to validate himself to you rather than you suck up to him. Men like a challenge not an easy ride.

Like tease him a bit? Ill try to, sometimes I just find it hard to think of stuff on the spot!

God, I hope this isn’t true, it sounds like dating advice from the 50s.

nope

Hate all you like but current approach isnt working. Men like the thrill of the chase. Yes tease him, be aloof. If you compliment him all the time, now that's 1950s dating.

Just be yourself. Be relaxed. And just have fun. I worry that you think you should do more than that and be more than that, but there's no need. You sound like a catch just as you are.

Men like women who will have sex with them. If they're saying there is no chemistry after 3 dates is because you haven't had sex with them.

Yes, 3 weeks or 3 dates in is the golden rule. If no sex by then, move on.

That's fairly sexist!

I don't know, it might just be bad luck! I was rejected after a 5-hour date and he couldn't give a specific reason (it may have been nothing to do with me)
Or, I've been rejected after a few short-term things. Two of the men told me they considered themselves ugly and didn't know why I was into them (possibly just an excuse). Another said I didn't 'challenge' him.

It sounds like you need to shift your mindset from 'why am I being rejected' to 'what do I want'.

A 5 hour date in early stages is waay too long (first 3 dates). It's too much time invested when you are at the tester stage. Early dating is like interviewing someone for a job - the job of being your bf - and it cuts both ways. You are testing them just as much as they are testing you.

I take it from your post (couldn;t give a specific reason) that you asked for a specific reason - this isnt going to yield useful information and is only going to undermine your self-confidence.

Think about men you would reject or have rejected in the past. If you are asked for a reason it's not going to be anything constructive most of the time because reasons for rejection are usually one of a handful of reasons

-nebulous not feeling a 'spark' type reasons which is uncontrollable. by spark I mean more than physical attraction, the sort of chemisty, a personality click. It's not helpful feedback because there's nothing to be done.

-physical - too short/tall/fat/thin/blonde/ginger/dark. This is not helpful feedback because it's going to upset you and its pointless because whatever this person doesn't like, there will be another person who does. & most of the time its stuff you can't or aren't able to easily change.

-not good enough for me 'status' - this can be social, intellectual, educational, wealth, caste and so on. Not helpful because you can't suddenly change this overnight and again what this person wants the next person may not.

-behavioural - does something or believes something that pisses me right off. Ranging from political or religious beliefs to picking their nose or wanting to split the bill or being boring. Varies from person to person and one persons annoying is another persons not bothered. The person wanging on about trainspotting may be boring to you but fascinating to another trainspotter.

So asking for 'feedback' isn't going to get you anythign helpful and is going to undermine your confidence. asking for it is a bit of a tell of lack of confidence in itself.

you need to view yourself more as a valuable prize in this process and go into it with that mindset. who is good enough for me? not why aren't they interested inme.

It used to be suggested that you tied a pork chop around one's neck to get the dog to pay attention to you, however I don't think that works with men - unless they are exceptionally hungry.

Maybe worth a go?

Like others have said, I think flirting is key to attraction for a lot of men (and women). I have known absolutely beautiful, lovely women (possibly a lot like you OP) struggle to attract a partner simply because they do not convey any sense of sexual interest in others. Conversely, really quite ordinary looking women (like me!) can be attractive to a surprising number of people, but conveying flirtatiousness and sexual interest through words, body language etc.

Obviously only flirt if you are genuinely attracted to the men and find them sexy! If you do, there are lots of ways to convey it, even if you are quite shy (as I am). Eye contact, touching them on the arm, sitting closer to them, touching your foot on theirs under the table.....

I wonder if that is what is missing - these men like you but you aren't conveying desire for them so it feels more like a friendship to them?

It's nothing to do with you. I met a guy once. We got along fine seemed to enjoy each others company. After a few dates he said he wasn't sure because he didn't know me through friends. I said but that's what we are doing, getting to know each other. He felt it was too isolated a situation. Odd but that's really another way of saying 'I'm just not that into you'.
One guy said we didn't have a future as he was in to fitness and I wasn't and we couldn't go for runs together. So when he got engaged I asked him did they run together? No of course not - she wasn't into fitness either, but he was into her.
It's not your hair or your height or your age. You just haven't met the right guy yet. Keep on going. My DH was lucky number 13 (I was 39).

I could never understand hints or subtle clues on the games of attraction.

I once had a friend told me that a shy guy is trying to flirt with me by deliberately leaving a document for me under a pile of mythology books he was hoping that I will start a conversation with.

I pushed the whole lot to one side while muttering to myself what an inconsiderate idiot he was.

Things like that just escaped me 🤷‍♀️

Thats because you're thinking as a woman. A man doesn't think a woman flirting with him is 'desperate' because he will typically have a higher opinion of himself than that. He will think she is flirting with him because she thinks he's attractive. He will not think a woman would have to be desperate to find him attractive.

Is this during dates? Surely the fact that they're on a date with you is a clear sign that they are (at least potentially) interested

The last date I had, I'm actually questioning if it was a date because the guy did not flirt with me one little bit. He bought me a drink, but literally no flirting from him, just normal chat.