Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

So she can leave the baby and go over by herself.

If it's okay for him to be seperated from the baby for a month, it's okay for her to be.

Not exactly long haul or the other side of the world, but we're half the country away from my family. I regularly go with just DD and DH stays home. He misses us, we miss him, but it's just time with family, time at "home" for me and DD getting to know my extended family.

It's not unreasonable in those circumstances.

@OhmygodDont Yes, he could take three weeks off to look after their baby, while the OP visits, but as the OP is currently on maternity leave, it probably makes more sense for her to do it.

Of course he’ll miss them and if he really doesn’t want her to go, I guess she won’t. My point is that for many families, traveling separately to see scattered family members isn’t unusual.

"...and gives him the chance to have a holiday with you doing something he would enjoy."

No, it doesn't. That's the whole point. She will use up her annual leave on this trip and then what is he supposed to do?

Just go on holiday on his own or perhaps go with some mates somewhere?

@Another2Cats The OP is currently on maternity leave so she won’t be using up annual leave.

I’m guessing that’s why her family have suggested this trip, as it’s the one year that she won’t be burning through A/L.

If your family miss you and your DD then they should take their share of turns to come to the UK and see you - after all, it's them who left the UK, not you. Why should the responsibility and expense of long haul trips always fall to you and your DH?

And I also understand why he doesn't want to spend every year holidaying somewhere expensive, very far, and not of his choice, just to please you and your family. I understand you miss them, but on balance I am on your DH's side here. Although I do think he should allow you to take your DD alone if your parents are paying. It's a good compromise.

Where does it say she would use all her leave on this trip?

OP says she’s on maternity leave at the moment so is off anyway. She said she wanted to go for 2 weeks, but would settle for 7-10 days.

Most people in the U.K. get about 5 weeks AL do they not? So even when she is back at work she’s talking about using less than half her annual allowance?

Of course not, he'd be vilified for spending family money on himself and for abandoning her to do all the childcare! 😆 Demz the roolz!

Hmmm. It concerns me that you talk about "going home", yet you said it was the others in your family who moved away.

I expect your DH doesn’t like to think that you regard your extended family, and where they live, as "home", and worries that you going without him will further cement your feelings for the place and the family unit that doesn’t include him.

I think the whole family going every other year is more than reasonable. If your family were the ones who moved away, it’s not right for them to expect or encourage you to do something that's causing a rift between you and your DH.

I think as a one-off during maternity leave it makes perfect sense actually, although I understand where your DH is coming from.

I do still think you need to reassess how often you'll be able to visit now you have DC, both in terms of being busier with more demands on your time and in terms of needing some downtime just the three of you.

Nothing is forever. I come from the POV that I don't really have much family and never have. I have some pseudo family but not like most people. I'm divorced with DC. But I'm here to say that ex was from MENA and even when he didn't have a job and hadn't seen family for more than a year. You know what i did? I flew him home. Sadly after the last time I paid for him to go home his father died a few months later. There are other familial relationships that suffered by being away. I'm of the opinion that if you feel strongly about going home, you go.

Why is he digging in his heels. Is he insecure and thinks you'll decide to stay with your family? Anything like that?

They chose to move, they can’t expect/insist you go to an expensive country yearly

I would go but maybe leave the baby with him if all he’s worried about is missing some major moments with them? That’s a compromise?

I didn't think I would be but I'm team DH here

He doesn't want his daughter away whilst she's so young

Did he meet you over there or over here?

They chose to emigrate. They have to accept they won't see you as much as they'd like to if they haven't got the money to come over here

I love how some posters are insisting that OP's DH is an insecure twat when OP has said he's not.

Like I said, her family moved away, how often have they visited OP?

Why is he being such an arse? You are married not joined at the hip. I completely get that you want to just chill with your family and have a low key visit not a big holiday. If you want to see them every year and they can help financially to make that happen, then that is great and you should. It is not for him to decide what is sufficient. x

It's not a drunken hen do in ibiza he's out of order.

This would be a no if it was our daughter, if my husband wanted to go away for three weeks that would be fine, but the children would be staying here if it was that distance or length of time. We’re both okay with being away for a few days, and not being to far away, but thats it. I had to go to Australia for a funeral, the children stayed at home as my husband rightly didn’t want them to be taken so far away, I didn’t want to be away from them very long, so made it a flying visit.

Neither of you are being unreasonable, me and my ex used to have this same argument over and over. He expected us to spend thousands every year on visiting his family in Asia.

My argument was that when they lived in London before they moved back home they never would drive a few hours to see us, it was always us going to them. And when we did travel 18+ hours with babies it was for what? To sit in their house in the village being ignored as they all spoke Cantonese despite being fluent in English.

In the end we compromised on every other year and he had to pay for the flights if he wanted anyone other than him to go.

Yes, I only just read that after I posted.

To be frank that does rather change things. I wonder why the OP didn't mention this earlier?

I've gone from YABU to seeing both sides. The wife of a family member of mine was also in a similar situation to the OP with her family living abroad. She also went to stay with her family for extended periods while she was on maternity leave, so I can understand that.

"The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc."

With great sensitivity and care OP:
@Expatfamily - it's not about the flights.

You have your own family now and your own priorities - can you not see that they prioritise theirs per the above in bold?

They are being unreasonable to expect you to still go every year as per when you were on your own.

Your husband is not being unreasonable.

I understand the expat dynamics having moved countries myself and you will have to learn that everything is no longer the same. Hard lesson I know, but that is what happens when people move so far.

Every other year is absolutely reasonable.

YANBU. Your DH is massively unreasonable, uncaring and controlling. DD goes free, your parents are paying, I don't see the problem.

I don't like being away from DH either. But guess what?! I'm an immigrant so I have no choice. There is no way DH could stop me from seeing my family and he would never dare.

As someone with parents and PIL in a different country (and not in the same area), neither DH nor I would be happy to be only visiting the other partner's family instead of having a proper family holiday. While there is plenty to do in DH's family area, I know he would be bored where I am from.

A holiday is to spend time as a family, explore the world, do things togehter. It seems your DH is feeling like a third wheel when you go over as a couple.

I personally think it is perfectly acceptable for one partner to go on her/his own and visit and even take the child. In some circumstances it may be the best solution, especially if funds are tight. We did it, yes, it's only Europe but DH and DD had a great time.

I would not be happy to be forbidden to do this but maybe put sentimental thoughts aside and talk about it with a close look on money, what you want as a family from your future trips and to see what is possible, every other year is a reasonsable compromise.

DD btw, is now 17 and has a great relationship to my PIL, less to my mum but that's because of different reasons. You don't need to see each other in person to develop that with your child.

I am your DH in this situation although my OH’s family isn’t quite as far away as yours.

I love going to visit, I recognise the brilliant experience that me and my kids have, and that it’s a privilege, but I’m very conscious of what we’re also missing out on by spending so much time there because a visit isn’t the same as a holiday.

I’m very much team DH here because he’s well within his rights to want to have a holiday with you and your child to relax, unwind and decompress.

So if you can afford to go to visit family and also have money and AL allocation to enable a separate family holiday then go for it, but otherwise I think you could and should be a bit more considerate.

If you can’t find the money for both then you should at least find the money for him to go with you to see your family, and in doing so you should recognise that it is a compromise for him and that you both need to discuss holiday planning for future years.

My personal opinion is that when you have children you become a team and the needs of your family unit should be prioritised, so for me that means you should be prioritising a family holiday to relax and enjoy together, rather than the needs of you + your daughter + your family. (Unless it gets to the stage of elderly relatives needing a visit and that’s when priorities shift again)

And I’m all for solo travel, but I can totally understand your husband not wanting to be separated from his young child for so long and at such a great stage, especially for your first trip.

finally, it’s really interesting to see how many shocked / horrified / appalled responses there are from people saying your DH is controlling here. This post has really polarised people but I do think many are missing the point entirely.

Can you just go with him but not do all the touristy stuff? The touristy stuff is the issue, you spend too much over there. So he can come if he wants but it's going to chilling in the house and garden with your family all day every day, not days out, not taxis, not meals out. Just boring family time and he's not to complain about it. Or he stays at home. But it's not fair for him to veto you seeing your family entirely.