Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

The op has never insisted that every holiday is spent going to her family. She acknowledged that it's unreasonable to expect every holiday would be for visiting her family.

Only seeing her family every other year is not enough for the op, and if she and her husband aren't paying for it, there shouldn't be an issue.

My family live abroad. I have been many times as a solo parent with my DC, who deserve to have relationships with their cousins and their grandparents, who won’t be around forever. Besides, staying with my family is hardly a “holiday” for my DH, is it?

That’s kind of OPs point though. She isn’t suggesting every holiday be to the other side of the world. She’s saying if she goes alone / just her and DD, it’s not a holiday, it’s a visit to family. Whereas if her DH also comes, it then has to be made into more of a “holiday” with touristy activities because that is likely using up a lot of both of their holiday leave allowances and family cash. So the op is suggesting she go alone with her DD to visit her family (which her parents offered to pay for, so it wouldn’t be eating into OP’s family funds) and they take a proper family holiday elsewhere at a separate time.

It’s quite obvious that a lot of you on this thread don’t have family abroad. I do (but I’m the awful selfish heartless one who left, not the other way around) and it completely does change the dynamic when my DH comes with me to visit my family vs when I go alone.

This. After all it's not just this year, this is your future holidays too. It's not reasonable to expect your husband to travel to your family all the time, using his annual leave and finances. For this reason he should accept that you going without him makes more sense and gives him the chance to have a holiday with you doing something he would enjoy. When you have family in other countries, it's always a trade off.
You haven't said if you see his family? Is he close to his family or does he not understand the pull to see your parents?
I really don't get this refusal to be away from your DD for a short time while she is with you.

As an adult any job I’d interview for I’d ask if I could take my AL together for me to go over once a year. In an ideal world I’d go over for two weeks, but I’d compromise for a week/ten days.

Aside from anything else, this is wildly optimistic. I'm not sure - are you working now? Is your DH? Presumably at least one of you has limited annual leave?

Children use up a huge amount of annual leave - illness, appointments, covering childcare gaps. It's not at all realistic to think you could save it all for one long trip. Even a fortnight would be a lot, and mean pretty much all family leisure time would be spent visiting your family.

You really need to rethink the amount of time that is available for visiting your family while you have young DC, regardless of finances.

Respectfully, your reluctance to spend time away from your husband is really not relevant here.

OP wants to go and see her family. They've offered to pay. Her DH is saying, "Not without me." This smacks of control not codependence a desire to be with his wife.

OP, I would feel the same as you. I'm in a similar position, as I live in the US and my family are in the UK (though it was my choice to move, FWIW.) I return home annually, usually with my husband and children, but sometimes alone. I would give my husband very short shrift if he suggested I shouldn't go if he weren't coming with me. Likewise, he recently traveled alone to a place that he has a connection to that I don't share. I was happy for him to go.

He's being ridiculous. And I'm a bit baffled by people being incapable of coping for 3 weeks without their husband or wife or without their children. Travel is good for kids.

He’s being a massive dick.

He’s not unreasonable to not want to travel to the other country for every holiday but of course you want to go and do stuff like watch a bit of telly with your family. I agree that it’s a massive shame not to take advantage of dd travelling for free because of her age.

So if you go this year how does that solve the problem? It just pushes it to be next years problem. You need to make a decision as a family if you are going to visit and how often.

I actually think it's really nasty of your parents to offer to pay for half of a married couple to go alone. They either offer to pay for you both or not at all.

I agree 100 percent.

It sounds like DD is just a baby? As your family knows, things change when you have children. It's one of the reasons they don't visit you right? I think it is unreasonable to take a baby away from their father for weeks. What's best for her is more important than what anyone else wants. And DH has every right not to want to spend thousands of pounds of family money and weeks of annual leave just to visit your family every year rather than have a family holiday. Your family can winge all they want, but surely they are smart enough to know that they moving to the other side of the world and you starting a family of your own would mean things would change.

I’m not sure your husband is entirely unreasonable. You say your family can’t come and you give kids as a reason. You have a child but you are making it work. I would be inclined to say if they really wanted to see you they could come to you. One year they come and you go away with hubby and child and the other year you to family no hubby and child holiday.

I guess I see it more from your hubbys POV because my ex had family abroad but I didn’t want every holiday to be going to them. We don’t speak the language so boring for me and isolating but if he went and I didn’t I felt like we should be going together to see our family. I’m still young enough to travel and would like to. I even suggested paying for his mum to come over but she refused but it’s ok for us to spend 5k going there.

I think there is always a compromise to be found

I think he’s being a prick. Of course you miss your family, I can understand what you are saying perfectly: you just want to go and hang out with them. He seems very resentful. You shouldn’t have to only go every other year, he doesn’t always need to be involved.

thinking outloud here

what about holidays where you all
meet up some here halfway where it’s actually a holiday.

Ok, so I posted before seeing OP's comment that he isn't controlling, just doesn't want to be away from his wife. TBH I'm not sure that changes my opinion! It's ok to see family without your spouse and I for one don't think it's a big deal for him to not see his child for a couple of weeks for something as important as bonding with family. If OP were suggesting a trip with her child just for a week in the sun, I'd be more sympathetic to the husband. But family is important - regardless of who moved - and I think it's important to nurture that.

I think this is a tough one. I agree with the poster above that says you’ll need to think what is feasible re finances and annual leave over the long-term. The only people I know who manage to take really long blocks to visit family in this way aren’t working or are on term time only contracts. I’d really struggle to use 3/5 weeks of leave on a family trip for example as it would leave very little for Christmas, emergencies, random school things and the other holidays. I think you can get away with it more before school age when you have a big more flex.

My thoughts exactly!

You should absolutely go and visit your family. I take a holiday abroad every year (sometimes alone, sometimes with dc), but never with dh because the logistics of us both being away at the same time are too complicated to be bothered.

Completely normal to travel abroad on your own and not as a family, assuming (a) you can afford it and (b) it doesn’t create childcare issues at home.

If we took a family holiday, we’d use family money. When I go without Dh, it’s for my own pleasure. I use my own personal money. If I take one or both dc, I use a mix of both depending on the expense. Ultimately, it’s not dh’s responsibility to fund my travel, just like it’s not my job to fund his many motorbike purchases 🙄. If you can afford it, go for it. Take dc or sort childcare for while he’s away so he’s not left in the lurch.

The number of controlling posters on this thread is scary.

If you go alone can you then afford another holiday this year? Somewhere that you all want to go? Instead of just your choice of destination every year?

If you can then yes, he's being unreasonable. If not, then no I don't think he is.

He deserves a holiday with his family as much as you do and it isn't fair to always go to the same place every year just because your family decided to move.

Visiting family abroad is a higher priority than holiday in my opinion.

I would agree with dh that cant spend as much, but explain all touristy stuff is done, and can stick to parks and beaches and time with family.

Ideally I would try and find the money for 3 of you to go, but if not possible it isnt fair for you to miss out especially as it will only become less affordable next year when 3 flights are needed.

He just hates being away from us
I find this really strange, it’s totally healthy to do things alone as well as together. Tbh if my DH offered to take the DC away for a week or two I’d bite his bloody hand off 😆

Well, I'm not surprised he's digging his heels in to be honest I'd be really hurt in his situation.

Your parents have kindly offered to pay for your flights but only on the condition that you come with DD and leave DH at home. How exactly is he supposed to view that? Because to be honest it just reads as they don't like him and don't want him there.

I would absolutely hate DH to take DD away to the other side of the world without me so I am on his side here. He has already offered to visit them every other year which seems pretty reasonable to me.

The thing that makes me take your DH side is your family being willing to pay for your flight but only if you come without your DH? I think that’s totally out of order, really controlling and really unfair on your DH tbh. They are basically saying he is not welcome, meanwhile he is an arsehole if he doesn’t let his wife go with his baby DD? If your family is willing to pay your flight and that means you can all go then that is the solution. Either they are happy to pay or not, it shouldn’t be conditional on DH staying home. Makes no sense.

If family is that important then surely the OP's family should also make an effort to visit? Taking a child away from her father for 3 weeks is going to be more upsetting for the child than not seeing cousins in Australia every other year. Going once a year or every other year isn't going to make any difference to "bonding".