Going abroad against DH wishes.

[Expatfamily]

DH is firmly in the camp that we travel together as a family, and if I’m desperate to go abroad to visit family we’ll use every penny of our savings to go. He understands how much I love my family, he does love them too, but it’s slightly unreasonable to be expected to spend every holiday, every year, visiting my family. He feels it’s fair that we go every other year, with alternate years holidaying elsewhere.

Don’t want to be too outing but my family are British but immigrated to the other side of the world. The place where they live does feel like home to me, I’ve spent considerable time over there and have my own friends etc there too. I do love it over there. My family used to visit over here often but not going into too much detail it’s difficult for them to visit due to their kids in school/costs for all them to fly/not many family members over here to visit/we don’t have a big enough house to host for a prolonged time etc.

It’s expensive for us all to visit them, it’s a long-haul flight away and it’s an expensive country. Before living with DH when I’d visit, as I’ve been many times, we wouldn’t bother doing much touristy things, just hanging out really. The same as what you’d do staying with family here: BBQs/cooking in/watching tele/visiting friends/enjoying the local area/running errands/taking the kids to their activities etc. Stuff that doesn’t really cost that much money apart from the odd day out, getting a coffee in town, getting the odd burger at the street food fest etc.

Obviously when I’ve gone with DH we’ve done the expensive tourist attractions/days out/treating it as a holiday. The last time we went we spent ££££s as spending money. On of the days we spent a ‘home’ DH got a taxi into a different local town as he was a bit bored, and that cost him just over a hundred quid.

I’ve gone on bit of a ramble but essentially I do want to go home. I want to watch tele with my family, share DD with them, and just do normal family things. I know they miss me/DD terribly and everyone in my life keeps mentioning it. I’d love DH to be there, but we’re a bit strapped for cash, and really cannot justify ££££s at the moment.

My family have offered to pay for me (which I/we could afford to just pay for my flight) but when I said about DH joining they said (rightly in my opinion) if we can afford for his flight, why can’t we just pay for me to come over (they’re not loaded by any stretch of the imagination).

The very simple solution is that I just go with DD1 (she’s free until she’s 2). But DH really isn’t a fan, and if anything it’s the first time he’s ever dug his heels in. I think it’s wound him up that everyone in my circle keeps expecting me/us to go over. He somewhat snapped the other day (for the first time ever) that if they were so desperate for us to visit this year they could pay for both of our flights, if not, we’ll hopefully visit next year.

The subject is becoming painfully awkward on all sides (and other family members/friends/acquaintances often mention it as chitchat too).

It would be the first time me and DH would have ever had a real disagreement/either of us has plainly vetoed the others feelings/opinions.

This is exactly the dilemma:

He will allow me to go but doesn’t WANT me to go. He would let me collect up all his prized possessions and burn them if it made me happy. But wouldn’t be too pleased about it. This kinda feels like that.

He’s a good man, I couldn’t wish for a better husband or father to my child.

My family aren’t made of cash either. They’d have to sacrifice something to pay for my flight (they also have school aged children too). I don’t want to be too outing but there’s others in my family in a similar position to me/them. They couldn’t afford flights for all of us + partners. If they paid for our flights (which I’m sure they would if that’s what was stopping us) they’d feel pretty miffed if we took ourselves out on expensive day trips etc. I’d feel quite uncomfortable letting them pay for our flights whilst we save for our new extension.

As for our financial situation, we’re actually doing OK but we are renovating a house/I’m on maternity leave (DD isn’t quite one). We cannot afford to just drop £3,000 like we did before. DH would probably want to do something that’s not just get the occasional coffee and play UNO. You can easily spend £300 on one evening doing quite average activities (watching a sporting event + getting dinner from a chain).

And my family do really like him (I must admit I can see this putting tension on the relationship) and would welcome him over with open arms. There’s no refusing to pay for him as they don’t want him over it’s a ‘we’ll look behind the sofa to gather up the change for a flight for you as we miss you’.

I'm unclear on whether you're working, OP? If so, and most of your leave goes on your family visit, there will be no family holiday. I think it's more important to have adventures together than separate trips for separate purposes.

If not, then presumably DH is paying for any holidays you do have together and would have to use his leave to visit your family, ruling out another holiday. I think your family's attitude, about paying your travel but not DH's, is mean-spirited.

If you go on your own trip, does it rule out a family holiday with DH & DD?

I wouldn't have been very happy if my husband had wanted to take our baby away abroad without me. I wouldn't be happy either if his parents had said that, not only would they not pay for him to come too, but they also wouldn't let him pay for himself to come!

I used to be the child in your DD's position - my mum and I visited "home" every two years on average. I see both sides.

It's totally understandable that you want to go back and see your family, but they also need to understand that travelling long-haul is expensive and time-consuming, and it's not necessarily realistic to expect you to be the one to travel every single year.

You also need to think about what will happen when DD is older and you can only travel during school holidays - will it be affordable to go every year? Will you and DH be happy to miss half your annual leave as a family in order for you to keep flying home?

Growing up, I loved travelling and seeing my cousins but the reality was as I got older, it was boring for me - everyone was working and I basically spent my holidays sitting the homes of various relatives that I didn't know very well, not doing very much while all the adults caught up.

So yeah, very torn here! I would say every 18 months may be more realistic, and you could alternate between you going alone and bringing DH along.

Team DH here. He is perfectly reasonable in not wanting to spend his holiday each year sitting watching tv with your family. Every year. There is so much more of the world to see.

I’m sorry, I don’t know how to phrase this more tactfully. I would like to point out that your family left you behind. They did what they thought was right for themselves and their own family. As is their right. I understand you miss them. I know it’s awful. But you can’t keep chasing them. If they want to have their life on the other side of the world, expecting you to behave as if they are round the corner is wrong of them and it is very wrong of you to expect DH to fall in with them. When was the last time they came to you for bbq’s, running errands and sitting in the couch watching tv?

It’s time to decide where your loyalties lie and then make your full life accepting that.

I come from a family of immigrants and emigrants.

It sounds like you need to either put the renovations on hold and go away or delay the trip a few years. Sometimes in life you can’t have everything sadly!

I think it’s fine though, as this a kind of one off, with maternity leave, young child

What is the plan once the dd starts school. You have to cover 12 weeks of holidays… The most expensive flights then… and the new fines mean you couldn’t visit every year when cheaper flights with your child either as you’d get a criminal record.

You’d dh sounds like the kind of guy who’s light himself on fire to make you happy and just be sad… I’m not sure I could walk over such a guy 🤷🏻‍♀️

We moved to my DH’s home country several years ago and I regularly travel back to the UK alone or with the children. Now that my Dad is widowed and elderly, I’m pretty much using all of my vacation time with him, to support him and to ensure that he spends time with his grandchildren. That doesn’t mean that DH has to do the same!

DH has also visited his brother, who lives in an Asian country, with the children, while I stayed at home (‘cos I need my vacation time for Dad)! They’ve had some fabulous trips.

That’s the reality if your family is scattered globally. 🤷

I'm with your DH to be honest - I'd have been so sad not to see my baby for three weeks.

I think that sadly this is just the price you pay for a scattered family. It sucks but it's the reality.

I see where he's coming from tbh. It's a lot of money, time and energy to just watch tv and have a bbq. I get that you want to see your family and I do understand the reasons why it's hard(er) for them to visit here but it's also not fair that every year your family holiday is to the same place, which is across the world and where a taxi across town costs £100. It's hardly a holiday for your DH.

Could you move there as a family? Radical solution but would then solve an issue. If not, I think it's ok for you to want to go and him to not want all your money spent on a crap holiday (imo) and for it to be a compromise. Every other year seems fair

But you moved. Ops family moved away from her and use their children as a reason not to visit yet expect op too..

I dunno....sensing back story here...

Maybe the family, rather than being mean spirited would prefer to see op on her own because her DH seems to need to be entertained and taken places. OP's preferred option would be to just slip into normal family life.

It’s absolutely normal for you to want to visit your family with just your DD. If he wants to take DD alone to meet his family then that’s fine too of course.

Sounds like this is tipping into controlling behaviour to me- if he’s decent otherwise I’d discuss with him and explain that this is what you/ your family would prefer this time and he should just make the most of time at home. If he’s a decent guy he’ll understand.

I think it's fine for him to want you all to go as a family, but then he needs to prioritise finding the money to pay for that. If you genuinely can't afford for all of you to go as often as you'd like, then he should accept that you will sometimes go without him.

I say this as someone with all of my in-laws living in a different country. I wouldn't have wanted DH to take dd over there without me when she was little, mainly because she wasn't used to being anywhere without me, so we made it a priority to visit frequently as a family. DH also travelled by himself quite often, and he and DD have also travelled without me now that she is older.

@OhmygodDont I don’t think it matters who moved. DH’s brother moved thousands of miles away too.

If you want to spend time with family, you make it work. If her family is paying her airfare, how will it harm her DH if she and their baby spend three weeks chilling with them? It won’t, and it’ll be lovely for the OP.

Because he missed his child. How many mothers would really honestly be happy with their husband taking their young child away for 3 weeks to the other side of the globe. Not bloody many. But because his a man he should suck it up right..

Op could go alone… she doesn’t want to leave her child though. Pot kettle.

As your DD will be free why don’t you go with her this year, your family paying your ticket. You won’t need much spending money, probably no more than at home. Then you DH and DD can have a holiday later in the year, cheaper when kids are back at school too. You might only get 2-3 weeks with your family but better than nothing.

I’m in a similar situation (most likely the same country too!) but my husband is absolutely fine for our child and I to go back our our own and for quite long periods. They’re my family after all and we love just spending time together. It’s just the price we all pay for living abroad / away from our family.

Her family isn’t paying the airfare. It sounds like they have offered to pay for everything when she is there but the OP says she would be paying for the flight

This is what I don't understand. Its not the ops home country so it is a holiday.
Op planning to visit every year and ask work to have all annual leave in one go to facilitate this. So basically 'tough luck dh, no our family holiday, we won't afford it and I won't have any, plus anything needed for dc is on you as I've used all my a/l up' and he's the selfish one?!

It's the last year your child is free, and they are only One! You have every right to want some family time together. I think he needs to get a grip.

My family live overseas and I am furious on your behalf. He sounds very controlling and if he is like this with you visiting your family…. I suspect he is controlling of you in other ways. His attitude is appalling and quite frankly I would be taking a step back and assessing is he really the man you thought he was.

He sounds very selfish and controlling. Stopping a chance for you to see your family for free, so selfish!