AIBU to be so angry?!

[CatsRuleOkay]

I split up with my ex about 6 years ago, we have a DD who is 12.

We started off doing 50:50 which I knew he wouldn’t be able to keep to as his job is so important to him. Pretty soon, we had after school club complaining he was always late & my DD complaining he was always shouting.

I now have her the majority of the time, she is not easy!

In the last week, my DD has been on holiday with my ex & it has been so chilled & peaceful at home, I feel like a new woman!

My ex & I do exactly the same job, both full time. AIBU to feel so angry that he gets a full week off every other week whereas it’s a luxury to me that happens once every few years?!

Nope you’ve misrepresented the OP there in order to be morally superior. She’s angry at the unfairness and sees having her child so much as a punishment. Of course no parent is unreasonable for enjoying a break, but that’s not what OP has said.

I think the issue isn't that op wants time off from parenting. But that her anger is only harming herself and her child. The ex couldn't give a shit if she is angry or exhausted or ill, he's proven himself to be a selfish bastard.

And come the end of the summer holidays when parents are being honest that they cant wait for the kids to go back to school, everyone will acknowledge it, smile at it, agree with it and not paint someone as 'preferring their home without their child in it'

@Cinocino Parents who are in a couple aren’t bearing the brunt of full time work, running a home & being financially responsible for the whole set up on their own.

But that’s not the argument, the argument is that on paper, my ex & I are completely equal however he gets to “opt out” & I don’t.

I have accepted this situation for the last 6 years, it’s only this last week having my first week “off” parenting for a week that has highlighted this is what he enjoys every other week & it feels like an unbelievable treat to me.

You clearly only see what you want to see. I see a woman who is refreshed after having a break, because that happens to be exactly what she said.

Climb down off the cross.
It's not even healthy to never desire time for yourself. It's some kind of martyrdom obsession.

I'm a single parent, I work between 40 and 75(🤢) hours a week. Exdp works similar hours, both shift work. We either have ds or are in work, occasionally both so we have to call on family and friends to do school drop off and pick ups, then we feed ds and see him to bed. Get him ready for school the next morning and head out to a 12.5 hour shift in the NHS etc.

It IS exhausting. Utterly so.

But ds is not a chore, or a burden. The relentless hours I need to work to be able to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies is. The endless sysphian housework is. The constant mental load of managing a household alone is.

But ds is the thing that makes it bearable,

Sorry op. I think you resent your exs free time and the discrepancy between the amount of it he has and the amount you have. But yabu to be angry that you get see your child more than he does. Time with your daughter is a privilege. Even when they are being difficult (that is typically when they need you most)

@SusanSHelit is there disparity in how much you & your ex work / have your child? That’s what I’m talking about.

Also, no family or friends to help although ex does.

"I know you are but what am I." Really?🙄 Grow up.
I'm not the one tut-tutting about other people's feelings.

She has said the inequality in

responsibility angers her. You are not being truthful, which means you have a personal agenda.

I can see why you feel resentful OP. I’m not sure why you’re getting a hard time.

If you posted about a man not pulling his weight in a marriage you’d be getting support. Why’s this different?

I think you deliberately choosing to ignore what OP has literally rather than offer an opinion based on her words and feelings, which she has chosen to put here shows that you have a personal agenda yourself. She finds her child hard work and feels punished by having to spend so much time with her while her ex doesn’t. This is what she said. And she also ASKED for opinions on her anger. Which is why people have given them.

no martyrdom, I just enjoyed being a mother. Some people do find that very simple statement somewhat triggering, but that isn't my problem

Bullshit. Parenting is hard work and inequality of responsibility is frustrating. That is not saying she feels the child is a burden herself and does not want the child. That's a massive reach and intellectually dishonest.

Do you always just repeat whatever somebody has said to you instead of making your own points?

@MissingKitty Nowhere did OP say she feels punished by having to spend so much time with her daughter, you’ve made that up. She just said that her daughter is hard work (completely normal, most kids are hard work unless you’re neglecting them) and she’s enjoyed the rest. Again, it’s perfectly reasonable to enjoy a rest from hard work and responsibility. She’s also angry that this happens so rarely, when her ex who should be shouldering the responsibility EQUALLY isn’t. Once more, completely understandable.

Bully for you. Other people should feel the same way as you because...?

"Triggering." Good grief. What a hackneyed, stupid term. It actually only applies to people who have experienced trauma.

DH is a lazy parent. I did 98% of the work load raising them. Now they're adults, it's me they ring, me that they want to spend time with, and me that they turn to every time there is a crisis. They barely bother communicating with him other than "disney family" style because they know which parent is the one that's always been there for them. And he still doesn't get why....

You may be exhausted, OP and you've every right to but don't think your DD won't ever know which parent she can rely on

I didn’t say parenting isn’t hard work, I said it is hard and frustrating. And no I don’t always repeat what people have said but I think you are being deliberately obtuse. Clearly we won’t agree.

Exactly.
Looks like we have some more superparents, just like on that other thread about dads not supporting their kids. These woods are full of superparents.

Just feels like I’m being punished for being “the good guy” which is generally a Mum’s reality.

Her point is about having so much child with her daughter while her ex gets away with it…

And I agreed with her points about parenting being hard but I feel it’s unreasonable to be so angry, which is what she asked.

I haven’t claimed to be a super parent. I said I’m a single parent and find it hard too, their dad never has them and it’s nice to have breaks but I’m not angry about the inequality or having my kids. My opinion is just as valid as yours, yet you insist on saying I’m dishonest, stupid, it’s bullshit. Not sure why you think you are so superior, we just have different opinions.

You’re not being unreasonable at all OP. It’s hard and it’s not fair. When my son goes to his dads for the occasional week I do miss him but it is bliss! People saying you need to save up for therapy for her are being utterly ridiculous. You’re allowed to want some time to yourself. Could you suggest him having her more frequently? An extra night a week or something?

Good for you. Not the point of the thread how wonderful you find it all. The point is why this child’s father isn’t pulling his equal weight. If he can’t do his bit without becoming angry, perhaps he needs parenting classes or counselling. Slowly start upping the time his daughter spends with him so both parents are doing enough for their child. Not one too much and one too little, it’s how burnout happens and both sides are unhealthy for the daughter to see.

I get it op
My ex has pretty much checked out of his responsibilities by drinking himself out of a driving license and job
He has his mother and new wife doing absolutely everything for him and I mean everything .
Everything falls down to me
Even when I'm putting a bin out I've caught myself thinking 'he doesn't even have to worry about putting a bin out as someone else does it for him '
He will never have to attend any of dcs appointments, school stuff etc. it's all down to me
So yeah I get it .

I wasn't talking to you or particularly even about you. There are a lot of superparents here shitting on the OP. It was a general comment about the nasty, condemning nature of these remarks.

I'm being "superior" by characterizing what some people say as bullshit and intellectually dishonest?
Nowhere is there a moral judgement in that. It's about the arguments you make, not you as a person. Just make better ones if you don't want any criticism of them.
I did not say you are stupid. I said a term that was used is hackneyed and stupid.

And the common denominator is always feckless fathers.

Yanbu op, it is shit that men get to opt out meanwhile a woman so much as enjoys a break from her kids and she's treated like some kind of pariah. I'm not a single parent and I'd fucking love a week off, I'm bloody knackered