AIBU to be so angry?!

[CatsRuleOkay]

I split up with my ex about 6 years ago, we have a DD who is 12.

We started off doing 50:50 which I knew he wouldn’t be able to keep to as his job is so important to him. Pretty soon, we had after school club complaining he was always late & my DD complaining he was always shouting.

I now have her the majority of the time, she is not easy!

In the last week, my DD has been on holiday with my ex & it has been so chilled & peaceful at home, I feel like a new woman!

My ex & I do exactly the same job, both full time. AIBU to feel so angry that he gets a full week off every other week whereas it’s a luxury to me that happens once every few years?!

Exactly, I just want 50:50 which is what I thought I signed up for when I got pregnant. But he gets to walk away & do what the fuck he likes so I pick up the pieces, that’s what makes me angry.

I hear you OP. I don't have children and one of the biggest reasons is that I had a shit dad who opted out of most of parenting. I saw how my mum's life was - not that she didn't want us but she never expected to be doing most of it alone- and vowed that would never happen to me. If it's any comfort she will when she's older see who was there for her in good times and bad, and when she's more independent you can enjoy life more knowing you did what needed to be done. Anger doesn't help so try and get past that- it is what it is- but it's ok to feel you were sold a story that didn't happen

No, that’s not a given.

You’ve described getting the house in order, being on top of things, having time to yourself. All of these things can be done as a single mother with 50/50; as a widow with more than one child; as a working mother with a DH who is away a lot. Life as a married working mum can be extremely difficult under quite common circumstances.

Your single status isn’t what’s stopping you from getting the house in order and being on top of things. Your child is 12yo. Unless you’re working 60 hour weeks; or one or both of you has additional needs; or are suffering penury or difficult financial times, you’re going wrong somewhere. One adult, one FT job, one tween, one house. It’s very manageable. You just have to cut your cloth.

Try to think of ways to make your day to day easier. Rejig your routine; change or lower expectations; train your DD to do more for herself; get exDH to pay for help seeing as he’s not pulling his parenting weight. There are ways.

I worked full time. I had 4. 1 exh had 3 of them every other weekend. No work constraints. Nothing. Other one died.

I never saw my children as a chore. Ever.

I am not a single parent but I still appreciate time to myself and a break occasionally. I can't imagine how much harder it is to carry the whole load. I don't blame you for feeling resentful - parenting is hard and that's why so many men opt out.

My ex won’t pay for anything, is self employed & tells the CMS he’s on minimum wage when he’s on 6 figures.

I also have another child with a life limiting illness so it’s not a case of “cutting my cloth”.

It’s a case of realising this week that one “week off” gave me room to breathe & that’s what my ex gets every week.

Op - YANBU.

Parenting can feel relentless. I think some of the responses on here are pretty harsh.

I would engineer the move back to 50/50.

So what if after school club complain, they complain to him.

Ok so dad is shouting, some parents are a bit shouty, as long as its not abusive its just his style and if its that much of a worry then she wouldnt be there any of the time

So move back to 50/50

I’m on the cusp of suggesting 50:50 again but only if DD is ok with it I know she prefers to be with me so wouldn’t force the issue if she wasn’t keen.

But you could take both singles out of this sentence and it would still hold true.

Children are very hard work. They go through phases where they are very, very hard work. Lots of parents are single, lots.of parents work full time. I get that you're fed up with your lot in life. But would you rather still be married to this prince of a man? Start telling yourself a different story about the situation. You have a healthy, feisty child who wants to live most of her time with you and you've got rid of the loser. These really hard times will honestly pass so quickly. She'll be an older teenager before you know it. And you two will have a fantastic, happy, strong relationship because she felt loved and cherished in your home. It's very likely that she'll see right through her dad and his crap parenting.

Thank you @Jumblebum I think you’re right.

Children are hard.
Being a single parent is hard, being a single parent that works full time is very hard!

I have an ex that only does school holidays as he followed a woman to Scotland...

i prefer it that way to be honest but do welcome the school holidays so I can do a few less tasks a day

I don’t think this is even about being separated, I think it’s about, going into having children, I thought it would be an equal partnership & boy was I wrong!

As someone who was in a similar (actually sometimes worse) situation I can completely understand the anger. It is unbelievably unfair that men get to do this without being held to account and society doesn’t penalise or judge them in any way. It’s unfair that we get stuck with the heavy lifting, physical, financial and emotional. It’s shit.

It is also the case that being the parent who stuck around and turned up means you will ultimately have a far deeper and more loving relationship with your child and will gain their respect and trust in a way or partner never will.

There’s no conflict between those two things.

Oh stop. It's not unreasonable to be angry at double standards and unfairness. She just wants more rest and is angry that the ex gets it and she doesn't.

Well he is her father, if anything happened to you thats where she would live. She may not be as keen to be with him as to you, and any change for children is of course difficult, moving back to 50/50 will be a change for her, but I would do it now before she gets much older.

My child has never met their dad - it was me all the way - and it was fine

Agree. Harsh and stupid. The supermun types who are eager to play superior over somebody who is stressed by an unequal burden of parental responsibility are so irritating.

@combinationpadlock it’s not a race to the bottom.

Me too. I imagine most commenters aren’t single parents.

All parents need a break. Why is it that when a married poster posts about having a useless husband who’s always out, when she gets zero “me” time everyone sympathises, but god forbid a single mum feels like she needs some time to herself!

You have misrepresented what OP said in order to have an excuse to play morally superior. She only said she enjoyed the break.

Of course we would all like a break. Some women just love to police other women's parenting, to the extent that they will pretend children are never tiring. So gross.

what bottom? I'm not racing to any bottom. I love my life

You have a night and a weekend off every fortnight? It’s not exactly nothing, you’re still getting substantially more child free time than many parents in couples.

By all means discuss him upping his time, but if you’re DD is settle with you, doesn’t hugely enjoy her time with him as he’s shouty then you’re doing it for your benefit only, not hers.

She said this

In the last week, my DD has been on holiday with my ex & it has been so chilled & peaceful at home, I feel like a new woman!

To me, that reads like she is saying her home is better without her child in it.