DD current medical investigations and GP response

[Sparklybutold]

Our beautiful DD has started investigations for either a genetic disease or a tumour. She is a toddler and will have to undergo lots of invasive testing over the coming days. Today I let her grandparents know. They asked which hospital, which I let them know, they then replied that it wasn't far and that they were now going to go visit a national trust. Cue a few hours later and DD grandma sent a photo of her trip.

I have posted in the past about the in laws lack of emotional intelligence but this has been particularly difficult today.

Should I say something or let it go?

I would not be able to NOT say exactly what's on my mind, basically that I couldn't give a single fuck about their little field trip. I'd be done with them.

The problem with people who lack emotional intelligence is that anything you do say is wasted on them.

How absolutely worrying for you and your husband.
Really hope it turns out to be nothing serious.

Maybe the grandparents are a bit ''Head in sand'' or frightened of hospitals/illness?

I'd be shocked that they didn't ask about her- Maybe they do lack emotional intelligence.

Do they seem to care in other ways?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I obviously don't know the background of your relationship or their thoughts, but from another perspective:

• Can multiple family members be visiting a paediatric ward at once? Maybe they felt they would be in the way?
• Would you want them there when she is having invasive procedures?
• Maybe they are waiting for a diagnosis and don't realise how much stress/implications this testing might result in?
• Do either have issues with being in a hospital. Past trauma or a death at that hospital?

I know they care. The grandma sent a lovely text before asking me to tell our DD how much they loved her but then to get such a emotionally tone deaf reposnse was really hurtful.

All worthwhile considerations. I guess what I'm expecting is just a little thought? I'm really struggling at the moment and actually having practical support would mean a lot right now. Mum in law stayed a couple of weeks ago but she just became another person to care for.

What did you want from them?

Not to hear about their lovely day out, not a care in the world, while she's worried sick about her baby, I'm sure.

I don't know why I keep expecting a different outcome. When their other grandchild was in hospital unconscious for 3 days and in an oxygen chamber they went to a wedding.

How's DD?
What type of tests?
How are you?
How's DH?
What do you need?

I meant in advance … sometimes we have to ask explicitly for support

they have form, so not surprising

it’s hard when people dissapoint. They won’t change.

Totally reasonable - bare minimum in fact

But some generations are more stoic- until there are facts and more information they don’t want to fuss

and some people are emotionally stunted and unavailable

They're cunts

Selfish cunts

End of

Limit contact, if not NC

I'm really struggling at the moment and actually having practical support would mean a lot right now. Mum in law stayed a couple of weeks ago but she just became another person to care for.

Have you asked them for any practical help? If the MIL isn't actually useful to help though in your home, could they help elsewhere?

• Could you ask them for specific tasks?
• pick up Jimmy from playgroup at 2pm.
• Would you mind collecting the medication from Boots for us
• Could you drop Jessie at school tomorrow ?
• It would be lovely if you could drop around one of your lovely roasts/lasanges/cottage pies for us all etc?

They will be staying with us next weekend for DD birthday. I fear they will just become 2 extra people to care for and FIL can be a complete grump. If he's tired, everyone knows about it whilst everyone else rushes around looking after him.

I fear they will just become 2 extra people to care for and FIL can be a complete grump. If he's tired, everyone knows about it whilst everyone else rushes around looking after him.

This will only happen if you let it.

Tell them directly what you want them to do. If you want them to make a cup of tea, say so. Everyone rushing round after them is why they do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

So either accept this or tell them to stay somewhere else and come and see you during the day…

You want empathy, that's all. That's normal. I wouldn't say anything, I think it'll stress you out in the long run. Cancel their visit. My thoughts are with you and your girl. X

You're absolutely right.

This is the strategy that both DH and I have done. My DH has accepted how they are. I continually expect something different. I just don't expect such coldness after hearing the news they would have heard today.

Literally, your grandaughter either has a genetic disease with lifelong consequences or a tumour. For this to fall so flat feels unreal to me because if that was my grandaughter id be devastated and would ask the most basic of questions whilst also asking my son/daughter etc what they needed from me.

Both are retired btw.

My family are similar around the same thing. I don't think they know what to say, until there's a result at least. They also don't particularly know/want to know what the tests involve. You have my sympathy though. It's very tough.

🌸

What would you say if they asked for help expressly?

DH family have a habit of vaguely hinting which he really struggles with but if they said outright they needed his help he would be there in a heartbeat.

Sending a photo of a day out doesn't necessarily mean they don't care, they might have spent the day out worrying and sent the photo to just to be a moments distraction for you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. But even when we are having awful times life (weddings etc) carries on (and i say that as someone who sat by my son's bedside for weeks, I didn't expect the whole world to stop for everyone else, and people were amazing at doing anything I asked them for help with, but I did realise I needed to give them a particular job as otherwise they might worry they would be in the way etc)

I hope you get answers and ideally positive news soon

There is no excuse for this. I have severely limited who and what I tell about my own cancer. Some people are so hurtful with their response or lack of.
I think you have to see them for who they are and only have contact that suits you. The old saying about radiators and drains springs to mind here.
Hoping for the best for your little one.

what could they have done though?