DD current medical investigations and GP response

[Sparklybutold]

Our beautiful DD has started investigations for either a genetic disease or a tumour. She is a toddler and will have to undergo lots of invasive testing over the coming days. Today I let her grandparents know. They asked which hospital, which I let them know, they then replied that it wasn't far and that they were now going to go visit a national trust. Cue a few hours later and DD grandma sent a photo of her trip.

I have posted in the past about the in laws lack of emotional intelligence but this has been particularly difficult today.

Should I say something or let it go?

Are they? You don't know that. They might have been desperately worried but felt that sitting around at home worrying wasn't doing them any good. And often not many visitors are allowed in hospital. People can still do stuff whilst feeling very upset on the inside. I have put in a brave face and got on with all sorts of things. Doesn't mean I am not as worried and upset as the person who falls apart dramatically, I just have a different way of dealing with it.

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@combinationpadlock just to be present?

So sorry for what your little one is going through. I completely understand why you feel the way you do. Your daughter is going through some really invasive procedures and you're stressed and worried to death. So sending you pics of a day out they've taken after being told all of that just seems really thoughtless and almost spiteful. I'd just take a step back whilst you're dealing with little one and definitely don't be hosting them, especially if they're going to expect you to wait on them hand and foot. Keep your focus where it's needed and they can just go on days out instead of dropping on you. Really hope your little girl is ok and that you are too😊💐💐💐

Are you sure they haven't misunderstood?

Because I did. When you said she's being investigated for a genetic disease or a tumour, what I understood is that it could be neither. What you seem to now be saying is that it's definitely one or the other.

Maybe they thought it's probably neither, or that they didn't want to start ringing the alarm bells and make you think the tests were going to show up anything.

Its either one or the other. Her clinical presentation is beyond what could be considered’normal’. Her grandparents are aware of the symptoms and so will know its serious enough to be something requiring invasive investigations and active, possibly long term treatment.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and wish you all the best.
With regards to the G parents, they’re obviously not up to the job. Limit what you share with them in the future to spare yourself the upset.
Just lower the bar, they’ve shown you who they are.

Sorry to press the point but are you ABSOLUTELY sure they understand the severity of the situation? I'm not trying to second guess you - here's my angle. I'm the parent of a disabled child. The grandparents on one side were adamant for a very long time that they 'couldn't see' my child's very obvious signs of disability and even post-diagnosis and extensive treatment, they still either don't mention it or claim that they don't really see it. I'm not sure if it's being blinded by love or old-fashioned stiff upper lip but it's annoying and just made me wonder if that was the case with you. Like if they admit it it somehow tarnishes their beloved DGD maybe. Sorry you're going through this. x

present where? why? the child was unconscious?

I just remain gobsmacked at there responses. There other son told them a few weeks ago about a significant event in his life and when I asked for an update recently, his mum didn't know, literally hadn't thought of contacting him to see how he was.

@combinationpadlock

Yes he was unconscious but present as in emotionally present. Offering practical support. Is this expecting too much from grandparents?

How can grandparents spend time at a wedding whilst one of there grandchildren lay in a hospital bed unconscious?

Remember they are not a generation of people who have communicated via text message for long. In the not so distance past the news would have been communicated via Telephone and maybe that’s better as you can have a conversation about it. Unless they send long caring texts on a regular basis I’d put it down to them not being comfortable with texting about such serious news. Wishing your DD all the best

@Justrelax

Interesting viewpont. One I hadn't considered.

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I think you're right and this does form part of it. I know I put unrealistic expectations on them but then there's a fine line between
‘Fair enough that's the way they are’ to ‘no, that's not acceptable behaviour and actually a more proactive response is needed and deserved?’

My Mum just shows constant apathy, OP and it's miserable. All I can do is learn from it and never be that parent to my own DC. I've built a wall round me and my family, and rarely let the drawbridge down these days. My sense of self preservation kicked in a few years ago (better late than never) and it's been life changing.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DD. I would perhaps cancel their visit while you have so much going on, or message to warn them ahead of time that you won't be the hostess with the mostess on this occasion so can they bring food/drink and they'll need to make their beds up etc.

I think I will let them know in advance that I won't be hosting like I typically do - I just don't have the energy.

I'm sorry to read about your mum. I completely empathise with how miserable it can feel. I just don't expect it as I know I wouldn't dream of being so out of touch with my own kids and grandkids down the line. I am trying to go out, socialise etc, I see other grandparents and hear how involved they are, even the sister or my FIL who travels to support her daughter with her kids owing to chronic health conditions and yet FIL remains so aloof.

I think you are being quite unreasonable and demanding. Sending nice pictures is often a way of sharing something nice with someone who is having a bad day. I don't think there is anything they could have done which would be acceptable to you, whatever they did would be worng.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong in going about their normal business rather than dropping everything and running around like headless chickens at every family drama - that doesn't help anyone

To be clear - I wouldn't expect them to drop everything nor cancel there day, but asking the simple questions? Surely this isn't a big ask?

And sending a nice picture when someone is having a bad day? Yes I agree that this can be nice but it is also important to ‘read the room’.

Also ‘family drama’? Just reread that back to yourself to see whether you can grasp how awful that sounds in the context of whats happening here?

I'm so sorry you are going through this and that your in-laws are being so cold. I've been there with a child in and out of hospital and difficult inlaws. I understand that you're desperate for support and probably for someone to sit with your little one while you have a shower, go to the loo and get some food.

What they’re at the hospital taking up space and doing nothing effective? I truly cannot think of anything worse! Are they supposed to sit at home worrying? How does that help?

OP you’ve got a tough few weeks with all these tests. Don’t let this negativity take over your mind. Just ignore them. If they knew how much they’ve upset you, I’m sure they would feel bad.

Just concentrate on you DD and don’t try to judge others actions. It’s difficult for some people to express their feelings, doesn’t mean they don’t love Dgd.