Buying house with DP… not sure what to do.

[cocunut]

Hi MN. I’ve been with my DP for a few years now and we are looking for somewhere to buy. We live in London/south east so expensive!
The problem is we are at loggerheads over what we are looking for. 300k max budget. I really don’t want to buy a flat - service charges, leasehold, not having your own garden or front door. But his income is much greater than mine (I'm a new graduate looking for an entry level job, he has an established career albeit self-employed).
He wants a flat purely due to cost. I feel like I have no say in this although I will be contributing to bills and some of the mortgage (with my contribution in proportion to his wages) once I’ve got a job. We’re looking for next year anyway but I don’t see myself on more than 20-25k by then. We are not married yet.
Im just not sure what to do! Does he have the overarching say in this? I want a forever home, don’t want to buy a flat to have to sell it in a few years when we have kids and I really want a garden. I just feel like I don’t have a leg to stand on as his income is the highest!!

Can anyone offer sensible advice on what property might suit us?

YABU. There's no way you'll find a house in London for £350k so it's a moot point really.

Honestly I think you're being a bit cheeky op. With your predicted salary you'd only be able to afford approx 100k property, DPs salary is boosting your affordability a lot and it's coming across like it's still not enough for you.

Fwiw my first property was a flat that didn't make any profit. Mortgage was a lot less than renting though and it was the first step on the ladder. People don't tend to go straight into a forever home unless there's been some sort of inheritance.

I'm sorry OP, but you are being ridiculous wanting a 'forever home' at this stage in your life. You have only recently graduated and are currently jobless not knowing when you will get your first position and don't know what the salary will be when you do get it.

You can't afford a 'forever home' in the area you want to live in and your partner realises this. They have tried to explain this to you, but you are not listening. Them standing their ground and only wanting to look at properties that you both will be able to afford, not just now but later on too, if there are unexpected changes to finances, is being sensible. They are not being mean and thwarting your dreams for no good reason.

So, you two really need to have a longer discussion about this and come to an agreement, where one of you is not feeling resentful about the home you finally purchase.

The issue is I’m very spoilt at the moment; still at home with lots of outside space, hours commute into London, lovely big kitchen/bathroom. I think it would be hard going from here to a flat in the suburbs. I need to start a life with my DP and start properly “adulting” but I’m so used to having green space and living in a nice quiet area!!

Forever is a long, long time.

Circumstances can drastically change on the spin of a coin.

Agreed - there are very boring practical reasons that most people do things in this order.

Unless you have a huge income or family willing to buy you your first (bigger than you need) house then you need to build up to a house.

DH and I used help to buy on a new build flat in London, having been there 5 years, and with 2 kids who have outgrown the space, we are now looking for our bigger ‘forever’ home somewhere a bit more suburban (and affordable) than our central London flat.

Everything has changed and what we are now looking for in a home is totally different than what we wanted when we bought the first one.

Give it time - and enjoy being childless for a bit in a lovely flat!

This may be his way of indicating that your vision of living in a house with a garden and a baby is not what he wants.

Also - if you’re at home, does that mean this will be the first time you’re living with DP?

If so I’d suggest renting for a bit first before you commit to even a flat!!

He’s currently renting - I spend a lot of time at his but often come back home just to get away from being surrounded by noise/roads/traffic! He also works away sometimes so will come home when he’s away to avoid being on my own for longer than a couple of days at a time. I want to stay close to my and his family for this reason as he is away often (not for long periods of time but long enough that it could get lonely),

I know it's exciting to see some milestones in your near future - but yeah, don't rush too far ahead or you can find yourself legally in a tough spot.

Being married to the father of my child was the most wise decision of my life (and I'm not of the wise kind - too impulsive). We also had a financial disparity, which made the above particularly important at every significant turn.

P. S.
I'm sure you'll get a pleasant surprise and above 25k in London. And I wish you best of luck with the start of your career

Yes indeed it does seem that you are spoiled. 🙄

OP, surely your parents didn't start out in life in their 'forever home' unless they had huge trust funds and inherited wealth.

If they didn't have those things, they will have worked their way up the housing ladder themselves.

Slow Down. Live with him for at least a year before you buy together. You

Whenever you’re buying there’s that mental temptation of ‘if only we could stretch to x we could afford…’

see a mortgage adviser and work out what you can afford - now and if you did fall pregnant/ wanted extended maternity leave / to work part time after.

factor in mortgage rate increases to test for affordability.

then you’re in a position to go shopping.

very few people’s first home is their ‘forever home’, to be honest it’s a bit of a romantic concept. Houses are a liability as well as an asset - we’ve had to repoint and reroof ours and luckily we’re not maxed out on our mortgage.

don’t railroad your partner into financial situations he’s not comfortable with

Well yes… back in the 70s when you could purchase a flat with 50k and a 1% mortgage… Times have changed

Sorry, but you're living in LaLa land. You need to educate yourself about buying a home, slow down, and start thinking rationally. You currently, won't even be able to qualify for a mortgage, and won't be able to for quite a while, never mind be able to buy your "forever home."

Focus on your relationship and forget about buying a house for now.

Where are you living now - why not rent a flat?

My first flat was a purpose built maisonette - own front door, no communal hallways, minimal ground rent and service charge (less than £100 pa) - so a halfway step. Equally a house that is split into just two flats would be very different to an apartment block.
If you do find a house for £350k, it'll either need a lot of work (that you can't afford because you've maxed out your budget) or be in such a shit area that the price will be held back compared to a flat in a more popular location.

Enjoy being young and in love with everything to look forward to!

Jheez - I’ve got 2 kids and the idea of a forever home scares the shit out of me! What if you get an amazing career opportunity abroad or decide to travel or something equally amazing comes up?!

But jokes aside, don’t wish your life away. There’s plenty of time for forever!

If we rented for any longer than he has been already, we wouldn’t be able to afford to buy. Most of the deposit is mine from savings as i am living at home. But I think a maisonette would be a good first step!

So I live in bucks, but with an LU postcode (people that know will know) and our two bed 1800's cottage, albeit with an extension was nearly £300k. With a £50k deposit and my mortgage is £1200.. I'm hoping I can shorten the fixed rate at some point and I know interest rates will hopefully go down but just to let you know it's still expensive and not worth stretching yourselves too much at this point in time. We're changing governments, think about it

And when the average household income was under 10k - so not really different from 400k on an 80k income.

My parents bought in London in the 70s. It was a two bedroom, leasehold flat in Bromley which they bought when they already had 2 kids.

https://www.gov.uk/first-homes-scheme

This first time buyer scheme looks perfect for you though. You have to earn less than £90k together and can potentially get a property for 30% cheaper.

Although I’m sure a mortgage advisor will be able to offer better advice than my late night googling…

Omg thank you! Just the sort of advice I was looking for!

You have two main problems here.

First, your expectations of buying a property are unrealistic. You are a new graduate looking for an entry level job. You are not married, no kids, unsteady relationship (see below). None of this fits with buying a forever home. You need to manage your own expectations and look instead for your first/current home that matches your current position in life.

Second, your relationship seems off kilter. It's not the difference in money or employment status. It's your place in the relationship.
"I feel like I have no say in this"
"Does he have the overarching say in this?"
You sound like you are a teenager talking about a parent who won't let you go to a party. The two of you need to be able to converse as equals, both have realistic expectations, both be willing to listen to the other's wants/needs, both be willing to compromise.
You may be paying less money into the property, you may be earning less to contribute to the finances, but you are an equal part of the relationship, you have an equal say in your shared life together. Wake up to the reality of what's practical, but also, find your voice.

Shared ownership? Try Acton.
But most importantly get married.
All the Wise MumsNetters and most of the Unwise agree on this.

Move north

You can have your forever home, a 4 bed detached for £200k.