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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

help me live a lovely single life

108 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 11:54

I'm 50 soon, abandoning OLD as a bad job and leaving it up to the Gods of Fate. I'm financially secure, got lovely friends, probably need to develop my going out social life a little more with Meetup app etc
If you are fabulously single and enjoying it person- tell me all your hints, tips and tricks or just fill this thread with solidarity (I can swing into fear of loneliness quite easily especially when I am tired)
How can my life be great?

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 18/07/2024 14:16

The only person you spend the WHOLE of your life with is you. Make sure it's in love with you.

Jellybean85 · 18/07/2024 14:36

On a practical note attend DIY/woodworking courses at a local college if possible. There is something freeing about being able to go your own odd jobs and home improvements. Total satisfaction of being self reliant and not worrying about being ripped off by tradesmen! Made my single life far more fun and pleasant. I'm also a dab hand at decorating.

MiddleAgedLurker · 18/07/2024 14:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 14:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Yeah I was hoping for some good inspiration and validation ! I find myself in this position, I want to make the best of it

I love the advice about not letting anything in that isn't net positive. I have a really difficult friendship that brings me down, i need to step away

OP posts:
Cliedi · 18/07/2024 14:55

SauvignonBlonk · 18/07/2024 12:07

You can do what you want, when you want. Your house and the fridge contents remain exactly as you left them. There is no one sitting in a chair watching you do all the house jobs. No one wakes you up snoring.
Every now and again I think it might be nice having a partner, then I remember the above and know how lucky I am!

It would never be nice having a partner who sits and watches you do house jobs! I think you might be underestimating all the lovely partners out there who share the load equally and treat their partner with respect!

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 15:00

Cliedi · 18/07/2024 14:55

It would never be nice having a partner who sits and watches you do house jobs! I think you might be underestimating all the lovely partners out there who share the load equally and treat their partner with respect!

with respect, that's not what this thread is- this is to celebrate being single. I'm sure there are nice partners, in the same way as I'm sure there are very posh mansions in London. But that's not where I live , so I don't need to include them in my thread

OP posts:
Iheartmysmart · 18/07/2024 15:24

I’ve just got back from a solo camping trip. I visited places I found interesting, ate what I liked, sat outside and read my book for ages with a glass or two of wine and returned home to a lovely and tidy flat which was exactly how I left it.

I’m meeting friends for dinner tonight then am going to the cinema on my own tomorrow evening and will probably have dinner out again.

The weekend will be spent pottering around doing whatever I please. I love the single life.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 15:30

I’ve had this week off work. I’ve got a few jobs done, had lunch with a friend yesterday & seeing another one tomorrow, been to the gym, tried a couple of new recipes & done a lot of lying around the flat with the cats. It’s been lovely.

And yes, solo holidays are fabulous!

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 15:44

I'd like to do a pretty big solo trip abroad - so I am currently practicing with UK breaks- off to the Lakes next week!

OP posts:
Jennyjojo5 · 18/07/2024 15:49

I’m 46 and just the other day this is what I decided I want as a perfect relationship!

monogamous relationship where we never live together

go out for dinner or similar once a week/every couple of weeks

nice holidays

affection

never stay overnight (yuck can’t imagine a sweaty man sleeping next to me overnight)

pay half my household bills 🤣🤣🤣

what are the chances do you reckon 🤣

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/07/2024 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I totally get your point and I think what you wrote rings true for many women in relationships with inconsiderate men.

But I also think if you find the right person, you don't have to do any of the above. DH and I have been together 12 years and I've never had any of the above imposed on me...except for the snoring sometimes 😅

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/07/2024 16:08

@OP - I think the beauty of a single life is the freedom that it brings. You can make a life that is filled with all the things that bring you joy. There are no expectations or compromises except for the ones imposed by money I suppose.

I'd start by making several lists.

  1. Everything I enjoy doing on a daily basis - reading, painting, long walks, cooking/baking, spending time with friends, eating out, going to the theatre or museums etc. I'd make sure I do at least one of these things daily or several on a weekly basis so I always have something to look forward to.
  2. The big things that I'd like to experience at least once - if you regularly go to the theatre, maybe you want to see a production of Phantom of the Opera on Broadway, dinner at a fancy Michelin-star restaurant, These are more occasional things that you may do only once or twice a year but they're something to look forward to and work towards.
  3. The places that you enjoy being usually - your local park or a special coffee shop, a nearby town/City, the Lake district, the seaside etc. And I'd try to go to these places as often as feasible. At least weekly/monthly.
  4. The once-in-a-lifetime places - For eg, I really want to go to Japan. And I will but it's a long-term goal due to the costs. So keep a list of these places and make an aim to go somewhere you always wanted to maybe every 3-5 years? In the meantime, continue going to all the places you love that are nearby (see list above)
  5. And finally, I'd make a development list. More of a medium-term thing but try to develop yourself on a personal level. These are the things that might not always been fun but that you've always wanted to do. Learn a new language, learn a new sport, lose weight/get fitter, learn a new skill. It may not be as enjoyable as the hobbies listed in List 1 and you may be required to join a class or impose some structure in your routine but at any given time, I think it's good to be learning/doing at least one new thing that will make you a better, happier person.
Mysticguru · 18/07/2024 16:19

Everyone is different and you can only do you.

For me it was simplifying my life, letting go of material desires and attachments. Unlearning the programming, conditioning and concepts of societal norms and expectations.

Sit in silence for a while OP and inspiration will come to you.

SafariShoes · 18/07/2024 16:23

Buy yourself flowers/plants/beautiful things (however you define that). You deserve to live in a place you love

Dweetfidilove · 18/07/2024 16:32

Jennyjojo5 · 18/07/2024 15:49

I’m 46 and just the other day this is what I decided I want as a perfect relationship!

monogamous relationship where we never live together

go out for dinner or similar once a week/every couple of weeks

nice holidays

affection

never stay overnight (yuck can’t imagine a sweaty man sleeping next to me overnight)

pay half my household bills 🤣🤣🤣

what are the chances do you reckon 🤣

This sounds lovely and I'm happy for him to pay all my bills too. There are so many other things I'd like to do with my money 😊

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 16:33

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/07/2024 15:54

I totally get your point and I think what you wrote rings true for many women in relationships with inconsiderate men.

But I also think if you find the right person, you don't have to do any of the above. DH and I have been together 12 years and I've never had any of the above imposed on me...except for the snoring sometimes 😅

I don’t think the OP will find this helpful.

She’s asked people to tell her about the benefits of being single, in order to help her embrace it. Not for people to tell her what’s good about their relationships.

Feel free to contradict me @crochetmonkey74….

MsNorburry · 18/07/2024 16:40

I do feel lonely sometimes but dating /hoping to meet somebody made me miserable

DancingLions · 18/07/2024 16:44

But I also think if you find the right person, you don't have to do any of the above

It's not about the "right" person. People who say this are missing the point.
No one is perfect. There will always be compromises that need to be made, however small. There will always be times when one partner annoys another, however rare. It's life and we're all only human.

My aunt and uncle in their 70s have what I consider to be a great relationship. They met at Uni, have tons in common, always on the same page re major life stuff. Share everything, finances, chores, child rearing, grandparent duties etc. They have holidays together and apart, shared hobbies and their own hobbies. They've always had a great life. They still really piss each other sometimes! They still consult each other on any major decision. Sure they might agree, but they still need to do it. My uncle sadly had a major illness not long ago and my aunt is now his carer. She of course does it, because they have a 50+ year relationship behind them, but it's still hard.

The true joy of being single is not having to deal with even 1% of the negatives. Sure we miss out on the positives, but that's IF we could even find that person that would make it worth it. There comes a point for some people (me being one of them) where virtually no amount of positives are going to make up for the negative. I'm just not interested.

I have grown up DC, enough money that I'm not struggling in any way, a nice home, I'm not lonely, I'm not bored, don't even really miss sex any more. So I'm not sure why I would bother. I'm also mid 50s so realistically, you're talking men of around 60. No thank you!

anon12345anon · 18/07/2024 16:48

Hey @crochetmonkey74 ..... Fantastic thread.... Following, and will be reading this thread several times! Love the motto - make a life where you don't need a vacation! Star

I have a great life, job, money, pet, hobbies, friends..... But old is shit Hmm😊

But I still get lonely at times, and I miss having a partner... I do wonder if that feeling will ever go, as I've more or less given up on finding someone special Blush

Anyway, just pondering x

crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 16:56

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/07/2024 16:08

@OP - I think the beauty of a single life is the freedom that it brings. You can make a life that is filled with all the things that bring you joy. There are no expectations or compromises except for the ones imposed by money I suppose.

I'd start by making several lists.

  1. Everything I enjoy doing on a daily basis - reading, painting, long walks, cooking/baking, spending time with friends, eating out, going to the theatre or museums etc. I'd make sure I do at least one of these things daily or several on a weekly basis so I always have something to look forward to.
  2. The big things that I'd like to experience at least once - if you regularly go to the theatre, maybe you want to see a production of Phantom of the Opera on Broadway, dinner at a fancy Michelin-star restaurant, These are more occasional things that you may do only once or twice a year but they're something to look forward to and work towards.
  3. The places that you enjoy being usually - your local park or a special coffee shop, a nearby town/City, the Lake district, the seaside etc. And I'd try to go to these places as often as feasible. At least weekly/monthly.
  4. The once-in-a-lifetime places - For eg, I really want to go to Japan. And I will but it's a long-term goal due to the costs. So keep a list of these places and make an aim to go somewhere you always wanted to maybe every 3-5 years? In the meantime, continue going to all the places you love that are nearby (see list above)
  5. And finally, I'd make a development list. More of a medium-term thing but try to develop yourself on a personal level. These are the things that might not always been fun but that you've always wanted to do. Learn a new language, learn a new sport, lose weight/get fitter, learn a new skill. It may not be as enjoyable as the hobbies listed in List 1 and you may be required to join a class or impose some structure in your routine but at any given time, I think it's good to be learning/doing at least one new thing that will make you a better, happier person.

I love this plan!

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 18/07/2024 17:00

For those of you saying how great having a partner can be- with the greatest of respect, do not come on here and say that. The thread is clearly titled, the context is clear from the other posts. If I made a thread saying "I've just got a cat, what do I need to know?" you wouldn't come on and tell me I had overlooked dogs!
I've had relationships and loved them, I don't have one now but I still want to live my life and love it. I'd like a positive thread to reread and one with lots of tips and tricks on to help me future plan and fall in love with my own life!

OP posts:
honeyandbutterontoast · 18/07/2024 17:38

Thank goodness for this thread!

I recently ended a short term relationship because I just felt stifled. I didn’t want to “stay the night” (in sheets that weren’t mine), didn’t want to holiday with someone (and fit in with their idea of what a good holiday was). I wanted to do what I wanted to do, not have to endlessly be what was expected of me.

Ive had a long marriage, and then a long term relationship that ended horribly. Now all I want is peace and a simple life.

Still have one DC at home so maybe I will think differently when they leave home, but I think I’m done with men and their weird ways.

Will be reading this list for inspiration as I have no single friends to show me the way!!

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 18/07/2024 17:42

In all the 10 years I was with my ex, I think I hardly ever really relaxed.

Now I do.

Meadowwild · 18/07/2024 17:48

Just make sure you have a very full life, in which dating if it happens would only ever be a part.

Contribute regularly and actively to something you care about - a charity, eco or political organisation.
See different circles of friends and make new ones. Make sure you socialise a couple of times a week with them, whether it's having mates over for Sunday lunch or going on a hike or out to a show.
Ensure you have regular and really enjoyable fitness every week, and one other hobby or interest group every week.
Make a massive bucket list of things big and small that you have always wanted to do and start doing them. At very least one a month.
If you have a spiritual side, take time to find the right place to worship where you really feel you belong. If not, do something active in nature ponce a week - something that lifts us beyond the human to the bigger picture.

Eyelinerwonky · 18/07/2024 18:01

Hoping to be in this position in the future and loving all your inspirational posts.

OP so many great ideas. Get a note pad and write them in it and enjoy ticking off your favourite things as you do them.