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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to get him anything?

73 replies

MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:15

I expect Mumsnet will tell me I am not being unreasonable but applying real life logic I being a bit of a bitch?

I have a colleague who often seems to ask me to get them things. Examples - I'm buying some chocolates so he wants some too. I offered to buy on this occasion as I had a good discount. Next time I am buying something from a market stall we are passing on the way back from lunch. He is in a rush so asks me to get it for him and he will pay me. He did pay me but it annoyed me we had walked past them twice before and he had not noticed but when I bought it he thought he was missing out. This morning I was buying coffees on the way in, which he knew as he texted me asking if I am in the office today, and I said yes just waiting for my coffee. He called me and asked how much is an espresso and can I get home one. I told him I'd already been served and so would need to order again. He laughed. He often laughs at things. I then felt liked I would seem like a bitch if I went back to the office without it when I was going to be sitting next to him. When I got in he asked how much it was, commented it was expensive, but did not pay me. It's a subsidised cafe in our building so was only £2 so he might think it doesn't matter but it is starting to annoy me. He is very quick to ask for things, ask me to go over and talk to him, comes over and asks when I'm free for a meeting (as if I should stop what I'm doing and check my diary right there). We get along but I find him a bit overbearing at times!

OP posts:
Original poster
MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:16

Also the cafe I bought the cafe from was in the building so he walked past it and went upstairs. This is what I mean by ignoring things until I'm having something and then he wants it too. I find it odd.

OP posts:
Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 17:17

Absoloutely not.

You're not his wife. Even if you were it wouldn't be your job.

Original poster
MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:34

If it makes a difference he would do the same for me, if just seems like that is never the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:35

Thanks @Meowzabub I feel like I am being highly strung about it b it sometimes I just want to be able to sort myself out and not think about him. Maybe I am selfish...

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 17/07/2024 17:36
  1. Stop telling him you're buying stuff.
  2. Laugh if he asks.
  3. Tell.him to go and get his own.

Easy.

Coconutter24 · 17/07/2024 17:41

MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:34

If it makes a difference he would do the same for me, if just seems like that is never the situation.

Would he though? Because he hasn’t, from what you’ve said he’s walked past multiple occasions when he could of offered to get you something but hasn’t and only decided to get something when your there

Whothefuckdoesthat · 17/07/2024 17:41

This morning I was buying coffees on the way in, which he knew as he texted me asking if I am in the office today, and I said yes just waiting for my coffee. He called me and asked how much is an espresso and can I get home one. I told him I'd already been served and so would need to order again. He laughed. He often laughs at things Is it usually after you’ve implied you won’t be doing what he wants? He’s acting like you saying ‘no’ is a joke; you don’t mean it, you’re not to be taken seriously.

I then felt liked I would seem like a bitch if I went back to the office without it when I was going to be sitting next to him. If he thinks you’re a bitch, that’s none of your business. It’s his problem to deal with, not yours. So if it happens again, you text back ‘sorry, too late. Have been served and there’s a massive queue, so I’m not letting mine go cold, so you’ll have to grab one from upstairs’.

He is very quick to ask for things Because you never say no to him. He’s a piss taker.

ask me to go over and talk to him, comes over and asks when I'm free for a meeting (as if I should stop what I'm doing and check my diary right there) Sorry, I’m concentrating on this atm, message me what you need and I’ll look at it when I get a minute.

Original poster
MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:51

Yeah the meeting thing I've just said no. He's also come over asking what time is that meeting or what when are we going for lunch when it's in my diary and I tell him to check his diary or I'll let him know later.

I think I will be saying no from now on or not telling him what I'm getting. Obviously some of the times he's there with me.

It did occur to me if I'm buying something and he says he wants one too I'll pass him mine and say "great you can get both!"

It always feels harder IRL though!

OP posts:
Original poster
MooonDreamz · 17/07/2024 17:52

But yes the laughing grates.

We have a strange relationship as we have been friendly from the outset but he has always grated on me a bit in the way he can be a bit pushy.

OP posts:
Punkrockprincess · 17/07/2024 17:58

Just say no op

DollyBelle · 17/07/2024 18:04

He sounds like something out of The Office?!
As women I think we are taught to be polite and nice and helpful.
This man knows you are.
Nothing wrong if it’s now and again but if it’s constant like this tell him to get his own stuff.

Original poster
MooonDreamz · 18/07/2024 11:46

We had another incident yesterday evening at after work drinks when I inadvertently ended up sitting next to him. I should say I don't dislike him and we have a friendly relationship which is why I feel bad about saying any of this but the fact is he makes me uncomfortable by getting in my space, touching me (or my stuff), always asks to try my drink or food (I'm not someone who like sharing from same cup and things), picks my phone up to check the time and I'm like just don't touch me or my stuff. He feels overfamiliar and maybe I'm uptight it is a bad combo. We work in the same time and have a lot of events and projects together so I think I need to be honest about not being comfortable with certain things.

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 18/07/2024 11:50

I'm friendly with lots of people at work but they don't drink out of my cup or check my phone!! For goodness' sake, woman, stiffen your spine and stand up to him. He's seeing how far he can push you, so push back.

celadora · 18/07/2024 11:51

i don't understans why you think you're being mean not to buy him things? He can get them himself. Just say no and stop answering the phone.

And touching you and getting in your space is completely unacceptable. Get up and sit away from him and email him to tell him 'I do not like it when you touch me or get close, please keep your distance or I will complain to HR.'

justforthisnow · 18/07/2024 11:53

It's ok to set and enforce boundaries. Start doing so with this diamond of a man.

TheCultureHusks · 18/07/2024 11:58

You need to become a lot less ‘friendly’.

It’s a power play.

Start not replying to his texts. ‘Oh sorry, didn’t see it.’

Avoid him subtly. If he accuses you of avoiding him bite right back, but subtly, so you stake out your boundaries. ‘No, of course I’m not avoiding you, what a weird thing to say. If I’ve done something to upset you you should just say it’ (with a puzzled and not very friendly look on your face). Turn it around on him.

Don’t tell him you’re buying things.

He’s not a friend!

BuddhaAtSea · 18/07/2024 12:09

@MooonDreamz this kind of shit fills me with rage, I’m in my 50s and menopausal, I would have told him to fuck off a long time ago.
I work in an environment where I’m really really close physically and emotionally to my colleagues, it’s the nature of the job. We’ve been known to share a slice of toast at 4 am, split a can of coke or use each other’s bank cards, borrow socks etc. We wouldn’t just do it, you take it if it’s offered, but you never ask and you ALWAYS return the favour. For me it’s normal, 20 years with the same team. But: what your colleague is doing is not ok, he’s just pushing your boundaries and manipulating you.
it’s ok to say: you need to stop this shit, it’s annoying, I’m not your mother or your wife. I don’t need to say it, my face has subtitles, stop smiling at him.

LittleGreenDragons · 18/07/2024 12:15

Stop telling him things. Stop answering your phone when in the cafe or out of the office. He texted to ask if you were coming in - you should have just replied yes (or since you were in the building don't answer at all, he would be seeing you in two minutes).

When he asks you to buy something say sorry but you are a bit short this week but if he wants to buy for both of you, you can send him your share later.

If he touches you then step back and say don't. Move chairs and/or phones. You should have placed your phone in your pocket, bag or other side of you. If he tried to reach across you then place your hand on your phone and say no.

Don't discuss your reasons, keep everything short ie No. Don't. Stop. Not today. Later. You can make it "nicer" by putting " I'm sorry" in front and saying with a smile.

But I think the biggest and most effective change would be to stop going for lunches with him.

BTW - he wouldn't reciprocate. He might give the impression he would, but he really, really wouldn't. He's not your friend.

Toptotoe · 18/07/2024 12:16

Sounds like you need to grow a backbone. This s 100% a power game and he is winning . . .

Don't answer his calls/texts and if he asks just say 'sorry didn't hear/see' it.

Become more aware - don't sit next to him - wait until he has taken his place then go somewhere not near him or suddenly realise you need to make an urgent call/ go to the loo.

Don't leave your phone within his reach.

If he takes your fodder drink tap his hand and say 'get off' loudly!

if he keeps touching you then say something like 'ffs Paul why are you always pawing me?' in a jokey loud way so everyone can hear.

To do these things does not make you unkind. It means you are respecting yourself which is more than this sleaze ball is doing.

mouse70 · 18/07/2024 12:26

Tasting your drink and food touching you NO,NO,NO.

FictionalCharacter · 18/07/2024 12:33

MooonDreamz · 18/07/2024 11:46

We had another incident yesterday evening at after work drinks when I inadvertently ended up sitting next to him. I should say I don't dislike him and we have a friendly relationship which is why I feel bad about saying any of this but the fact is he makes me uncomfortable by getting in my space, touching me (or my stuff), always asks to try my drink or food (I'm not someone who like sharing from same cup and things), picks my phone up to check the time and I'm like just don't touch me or my stuff. He feels overfamiliar and maybe I'm uptight it is a bad combo. We work in the same time and have a lot of events and projects together so I think I need to be honest about not being comfortable with certain things.

Oh come on OP, this man is walking all over you and enjoying the power he has over you, and you’re actually convincing yourself that you’re in the wrong.
Put a stop to all this.

MonsteraMama · 18/07/2024 12:37

Why don't you dislike him? He sounds awful.

feelingbattered · 18/07/2024 12:43

Would he do any of this to a male colleague?

EatTheGnome · 18/07/2024 12:44

In 2/3 of those examples you offer.

Examples - I'm buying some chocolates... I offered to buy on this occasion...

He called me and asked how much is an espresso and can I get him one. I told him I'd already been served and so would need to order again.

I would have stopped at "I've already been served." And if pushed, "yeah, no, the line is too long now and I'm just leaving."

Stop offering, stop saying where you are and just replying a lighthearted way

feelingbattered · 18/07/2024 12:45

And I disagree with others who say to stop telling him you're buying things.

He needs to know you're buying things but aren't prepared to keep doing it for him!

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