To not want to get him anything?

[MooonDreamz]

I expect Mumsnet will tell me I am not being unreasonable but applying real life logic I being a bit of a bitch?

I have a colleague who often seems to ask me to get them things. Examples - I'm buying some chocolates so he wants some too. I offered to buy on this occasion as I had a good discount. Next time I am buying something from a market stall we are passing on the way back from lunch. He is in a rush so asks me to get it for him and he will pay me. He did pay me but it annoyed me we had walked past them twice before and he had not noticed but when I bought it he thought he was missing out. This morning I was buying coffees on the way in, which he knew as he texted me asking if I am in the office today, and I said yes just waiting for my coffee. He called me and asked how much is an espresso and can I get home one. I told him I'd already been served and so would need to order again. He laughed. He often laughs at things. I then felt liked I would seem like a bitch if I went back to the office without it when I was going to be sitting next to him. When I got in he asked how much it was, commented it was expensive, but did not pay me. It's a subsidised cafe in our building so was only £2 so he might think it doesn't matter but it is starting to annoy me. He is very quick to ask for things, ask me to go over and talk to him, comes over and asks when I'm free for a meeting (as if I should stop what I'm doing and check my diary right there). We get along but I find him a bit overbearing at times!

He's totally over familiar. Touching you and your stuff.

It's really crossing boundaries.

And than asking you to get stuff. You have to start saying no. Even better don't tell him you're getting stuff.

I would absolutely reduce this work relationship to a distant, polite relationship because he clearly does not understand he's taking the piss.

'Can you just start getting your own stuff. If I were to buy a turd, I feel like you'd want in on the act.'

I like the direct approach

i don't understans why you think you're being mean not to buy him things?

well being mean as if I'm at the coffee shop and then come back and sit next to him with my coffee when he asked for one BUT I had already ordered so I think it's fair enough not to want to queue again

Avoid him subtly. If he accuses you of avoiding him bite right back, but subtly, so you stake out your boundaries. ‘No, of course I’m not avoiding you, what a weird thing to say. If I’ve done something to upset you you should just say it’ (with a puzzled and not very friendly look on your face). Turn it around on him.

I don't know if he would accuse me of avoiding him maybe just be a bit off if he thought I was. I definitely avoid it him at times for example just
now he's been over to ask if I want to go out for lunch with him and I said no because he's already been annoying me today!

Would he do any of this to a male colleague?

I don't know but a colleague has said she has heard him speaking horribly to his wife. She could be exaggerating but I believe her as he is quite overbearing.

I would have stopped at "I've already been served." And if pushed, "yeah, no, the line is too long now and I'm just leaving."

Yes I think this is what I should have done and just said I ordered I haven't got time to order again (I was about to go to a meeting so was under time pressure which he knew as he went to the same meeting but didn't stop at the shop!!)

'Can you just start getting your own stuff. If I were to buy a turd, I feel like you'd want in on the act.'

I commented on this last night as he ordered a drink from the waiter (drinks were paid for as it was a work social). Someone else ordered a different drink so he ordered one of those as well. I said Paul (not real name) is one of those people who wants whatever someone else is having.

He's totally over familiar. Touching you and your stuff.

100%

He also always calls or comes over if he wants to speak about something, which I totally get, but sometimes it's not urgent and I'd rather not be interrupted. I really don't like being interrupted when I'm working through so when it's cause he needs help with something I'd rather he messaged and asked if I've got 5 mins to talk.

It sounds as though he’s decided you’re his territory in some sense and wants to keep reminding you. I’d tell him to back off, very firmly.

Total power play - especially as you know he’s an arsehole to his wife.

And don’t you dare say that you being uptight is a bad combo!! You’re not uptight. Break this social conditioning to excuse and accept shite from men.

I know it’s harder IRL than on here, but someone going near your food? “Ugh Paul, I hate people touching my food” neatly turns it on you if you don’t feel about to say, “back the fuck off my food you power tripping cunt”.

Set clear boundaries politely and firmly, and don’t concern yourself with his feelings. If it upsets him that is his lookout.

You need a backbone!
And spend less time with him.
Dont buy things if he is nearby (if you can’t find it in you to say no). Why are you walking around looking at chocolates with him anyways.
Keep any conversation short and work related only.

He texts you “are you in the building”. You ignore or say “I’ll be there shortly, why?”.

He comes over to your desk. You ignore him and keep working on your computer and say “sorry I’m busy atm, can you email me if you need something”.

Would he do this to a man? Unlikely.

Your last example - you really really really need a backbone. He is walking all over you. It’s actually infuriating to read.

Also you can stop buying so many coffees. Bring a keep cup and then no one knows what you’ve got in there.

Also you can stop buying so many coffees. Bring a keep cup and then no one knows what you’ve got in there.

So we have a woman who has so little boundaries and self worth that she allows a colleague to drink from her cup and paw at her and thinks she would be mean to say no, a colleague who won't stop asking her for things and yet here you are having a dig at her, telling her to do stuff like this. Time and place mate, this ain't it.

And don’t you dare say that you being uptight is a bad combo!! You’re not uptight. Break this social conditioning to excuse and accept shite from men.

This was my vibe yesterday. Stop touching me and my stuff. Don't touch my drink, you're not having any.

You need a backbone!
And spend less time with him.
Dont buy things if he is nearby (if you can’t find it in you to say no). Why are you walking around looking at chocolates with him anyways.
Keep any conversation short and work related only.

We went for lunch and stopped by a market stall on the way back.

Also you can stop buying so many coffees. Bring a keep cup and then no one knows what you’ve got in there.

who said I buy "many" coffees and don't have a reusable cup?

I’m not having a dig - actually trying to offer some help which is what I thought the post was for.

OP said she didn’t want to walk into a meeting with a fresh coffee and then this guy would see that she had just got one. So a keep cup would at least help with that scenario - no one would know if you had just bought a Starbucks or made an instant coffee.

Anyways, I’m out, if you’re not looking for help.

@Bananabreadandstrawberries It sounded very much like you were saying I buy a lot of coffees and I don't. That wasn't really the issue though as he asked for it before I'd left the shop. He called me and I was there ordering and he asked me to get him something too. If he just saw I had a coffee after it wouldn't have mattered as I'd have already left.

A bit pushy?!!! I think that’s a huge understatement!!!

He’s basically taking you for a ride. Start by ignoring his messages when you’re getting coffee. If he comments, just say you didn’t see them.

This.

Thanks everyone

You have helped to reassure me I'm not being oversensitive so I'll feel better about being more bold. I'm not a shrinking violet but it just feels so awkward IRL.

But but but…

if you had a policy of looking at your phone to see who’s calling and if it’s him, rolling your eyes and not answering, then none of this would even have to be considered!!

I dunno OP I get a really bad vibe from this, all this boundary pushing.

would you ever be in a situation where he could assault you, like a work do at a hotel. It’s like he is making out you are closer than you are so he can go too far then say ‘I thought she was up for it’

grooming you …..

How much do you subsidise him? Does he owe you money?

if you had a policy of looking at your phone to see who’s calling and if it’s him, rolling your eyes and not answering, then none of this would even have to be considered!!

Yes I could just not answer the phone but it was prior to a meeting and he was calling on my work phone so I didn't know if it was work related. Then again nothing is really that urgent so I could still not answer.

@greenwoodentablelegs Erm I don't think so but yes we have been in a hotel situation at least once before and there was no impropriety

@dieselKiller Well the little thing I got him the first time before lunch I'd sort of left at "it's fine you can get the next lunch" because we'd got into a habit of taking it in turns to buy lunch and that one I'd paid for was a cheap one and then obviously the coffee which is a couple of quid and he asked how much it was, commented it was expensive but hasn't offered me money. It's only £2.

If he bought a lunch that would probably make up for it but then again not if I was expected to reciprocate again the following time. He asked me for lunch yesterday and I said know though as he was annoying me.

@greenwoodentablelegs But I find it weird he wants to spend so much time together. Like some days we're together all day for a project and then he wants to go for lunch together and again the next day. Maybe he doesn't have other friends at work. I don't have many people I'd go for lunch with but I quite like my own space and if I see him one day and I'm happy to give him a wide berth the next!

You’re being a total doormat. Stop answering your phone or agreeing to buy him stuff. You don’t have to answer the phone! I’d have told him to get lost ages ago. Make a huge fuss about not being touched sharing/buying him stuff, you’re not his mother.

Send him an invoice for all the bits and bobs he owes you. Next time he asks say ‘you still owe me £9, so that won’t be possible.’