To think that Mumsnet is a little premature with the ‘Go No Contact!’

[Bex5490]

This came up on another thread but didn’t want to hijack so started a new one.

I’m just surprised at how often people on here advise going no contact with close members of family.

There are people in my family that have made bad choices at times but I would never dream of cutting them off.

I also still have friends from school decades later who have pissed me off at times but I value our shared history.

Obviously if someone is abusive, they should definitely be cut off. But AIBU to think that family is something you should work hard to keep hold of rather than being quick to walk away?

I don't think that the majority of people actually make the decision to go no contact with their family flippantly or lightly. I think it's a decision which is generally laden with hurt and guilt. However, there are plenty of parents whose behaviour is harmful and life is better for the child without them in their life. It isn't normally about one off bad choices but more often it is about patterns of behaviours, often stemming back to childhood, which they've probably lived with for years and tried unsuccessfully to alter.
I am not NC with my parents but have very strong boundaries in place which I guess would equate to LC because I have recognised the impact on my emotional wellbeing. If you don't feel the need for this maybe just recognise the privilege you have in terms of your connection with your family rather than judging other people's choices.

I am no with my parents but it’s really not been an easy or light decision and not one I recommend

it’s painful but my self esteem had fully eroded being around my mother who is quite manipulative. I walked on eggshells for years and cried many many tears and still do as she’s my mother - but I cannot go back to the vile mouth and spiteful comments

Thank for the responses.

I think what you’re describing though is emotional abuse. Which I totally agree would warrant NC. Nobody deserves to be around anyone that damages their self esteem or well being. But I think often on here the advice is go NC for issues that don’t seem as bad as what you’re describing.

@Twotimesrhymes I’m really sorry you suffered that and glad that you are no longer in that situation 💙

There was a NYT article the other day along these lines: https://archive.ph/X8zSK

“Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy?
Encouraged on social media, many Americans are estranging themselves from their families as a therapeutic step.”

Yes, I think if you followed all the advice on MN you’d find yourself all alone, forever, having left your husband, cut off your family and dumped all your friends. Your boundaries would be unassailed though 😭

You're wrong not cutting off toxic people is a massive issue

Yes, of course some commenters jump to the most extreme reaction, same as with suggestions to LTB.

No-one should take advice from a stranger without adding a pinch of salt and weighing the validity of the different points of view presented. But even if I wouldn't go NC with my family for anything but the most egregious misbehaviour, I recognise that not everyone has had a lifetime of mostly positive interactions with their family, and while I might not go full no-contact, I would certainly consider limiting time spent with people who were dragging me down. If they happen to be family or friends, that's unfortunate, but still a valid choice.

I would sit opposite my mother while she would give me filthy looks, spin stories about me (mocking) never once ask how I am whilst I have to pander to her every whim. Tell me she wanted to kill herself, go to a counsellor who ‘told her’ to write a letter with everything I had done wrong to her and that she was to read it out to me (no counsellor would ever do this)

Yes!

Then again, you could come on here and moan your husband forgot to take out the bins and people would be saying "red flags", "run while you still can" and "when my husband didn't wash up, I threw him out that night and never looked back, best decision I ever made!"

MN told me to go no/low contact with someone (let's call them Z) and to never leave my DC alone with Z after I posted about an incident

I ignored that advice and we have had many happy times together since, just like we did before the incident.

A family member has gone very low contact with Z because they feel Z said some very unkind things to them recently. Z is very hurt, and has no idea why they have been ghosted. It's a horrible situation, but seems to be the modern way.

Of course there are cases when no contact is best, and times when people should go no contact but don't, but MN is pretty quick to give out the advice to go no contact without being able to see the bigger picture.

Many people on Mn struggle with relationships, so it’s hardly surprising, surely?

Because it’s easy to say go no contact or I’d LTB when it’s theoretical. In reality most of these people wouldn’t follow their own advice.

Some of the advice on here is appalling.
On the basis of just a few sentences from one side, posters often jump straight to the most severe course of action.

It would be funny if it wasn't for the fact that real people's lives are discussed.

I think many people want to sound tough - very easy on an anonymous forum. I also feel that many people on here have been emotionally damaged in past and bring too much emotional baggage to discussions to give helpful advice.

In today’s Daily Mail:

Why millennials cut off their parents because they're bad for their 'mental health': Psychologists explain how they're being egged on by social media

“ […] There are also dozens of threads on the Mumsnet website ­discussing estrangements between adult children and their parents and offering words of ­support for those who have gone ‘No Contact’.

Not even the fear of regret should a parent die before the rift has been patched up seems to sway the more assertive posters, ­judging by comments such as ‘I’m not interested in death-bed tears’ and ‘I won’t be swooping in to pay for it [mother’s funeral] nor will I be attending it’.

Clinical ­psychologist Dr ­Gurpreet Kaur believes the influence of online forums should not be underestimated.“

archive.ph/8tG7v

I've been no contact with my mother for nearly 13 years.

This is on the back of emotional abuse from the the of about 3. Despite this no contact status, and now being 50 years old, the intervening 34 years of abuse has had a long lasting impact I'll never really fully recover from because it permeated every aspect of my life. Nothing was safe from it.

The final straw was my mother's choices resulting in police involvement and a safeguarding alert being raised with the LA. My children were allocated a social worker, and at the initial assessment, I said we'd have no further contact with her and they closed the case.

They were quite clear that any further contact would result in a Section 47 enquiry and potential removal of my children. It would never have got that far. I should have gone nc with her years previously. I could fill the Internet with examples of things she did (big and small) over the years. I just didn't have the confidence to do it before then.

So, no, not all people who go nc have been influenced by SM. Many have tolerated years of abuse before there is a final straw. I won't ever have contact with her again.

I will admit that it makes it easier to cut off other people (eg so called friends) who behave badly. But that just means you won't find me posting on here because my friends are treating me badly. The only people who get to be in my life now are the ones who contribute positively. And I expect that to go both ways.

Can you give some examples of posts advising NC for reasons other than abuse OP? It's not something I've noticed tbh but the threads I read which mention NC tend to be Stately Homes type threads where there most definitely is abuse and NC is 100% warranted.

I really agree that it is a bit of a look how tough I am thing.

It’s often accompanied with the ‘I would never put up with that tone…’

There are a million in-law ones. Most recently was because the OP was wealthier than her family and they kept expecting her to pay for meals and mocking her finances. And loads on anything to do with inheritance…

Really sorry you went through this and obviously absolutely justified going NC. 💙

This is interesting…

I went NC and I hate saying it on here as I can almost feel the eye rolls and assumptions that I went NC after a few arguments, or because of a differing of personality. Sadly my mum has severe MH issues and moved in a partner who she allowed to abuse us, the things we witnessed were horrific and when I called the police because she was being beaten up, she tried to have me arrested saying I was maliciously lying. She eventually had the partner arrested and convicted for domestic violence, but no understanding or anything close to an apology has been forthcoming from her - whether it’s embarrassment or complete selfishness I don’t know. She still sticks up for this person from time to time and looks after their kids (her ex step kids). She won’t ever sever their ties completely and so I have no choice if I want to bring my kids up peacefully and without the cycle of drama.

My dad is an alcoholic (drinking from 9am every day), and lives abroad. He was incredibly violent when we were growing up, regularly screamed in our faces (actual screaming not raised voice) and hit us. He has awful misogynistic views, really enjoys arguing and if bored would simply fire off a text telling me how awful I am or how much I remind him of my mother.

I spent 15 years trying to form some kind of normal relationship with them, even low contact, but it’s impossible.

Sometimes it can be useful to have a "time-out" though to let things cool down/give the other party time to think about their actions. It doesnt have to mean go nc forever. Unless there is serious abuse going on. Then it's absolutely necessary to go nc.

I think far more people on here should be cutting relatives out. The thread I’ve just read before this one was where the op was wringing her hands because her bil is blatantly ogling his own 18yo niece (the ops daughter) at family gatherings. She doesn’t want to say anything in case it upsets someone. I wouldn’t need to cut him off as my oh would literally snap his fucking arms. It actually gobsmacks me the shit that some people put up with on here.

I can see this playing out too often. People are being encouraged as never before to be utterly introspective. Should you cut everything and everyone out of your life so you never feel discomfort or frustration? Surely this makes you insensitive and self absorbed and inures you to the difficulties or opinions of others. It makes you a closed book that cannot accept or understand other people. Compromise is essential for interaction with other human beings but is, I believe, being sacrificed at the alter of self.

If you follow the two most common pieces of advice on MN you would be lonely very quickly - go no contact and LTB. MN is pretty poor at giving balanced relationship advice.