To think that Mumsnet is a little premature with the ‘Go No Contact!’

[Bex5490]

This came up on another thread but didn’t want to hijack so started a new one.

I’m just surprised at how often people on here advise going no contact with close members of family.

There are people in my family that have made bad choices at times but I would never dream of cutting them off.

I also still have friends from school decades later who have pissed me off at times but I value our shared history.

Obviously if someone is abusive, they should definitely be cut off. But AIBU to think that family is something you should work hard to keep hold of rather than being quick to walk away?

Well, advice to go nuclear is always easier to give out from behind a keyboard, if you’re not involved, and it won’t impact your life.😉

I disagree - going N/C with my very abusive MIL was the best thing I ever did

The Mail. Quelle surprise…

Not even the fear of regret should a parent die before the rift has been patched up seems to sway the more assertive posters, ­judging by comments such as ‘I’m not interested in death-bed tears’ and ‘I won’t be swooping in to pay for it [mother’s funeral] nor will I be attending it’.

The “You’d regret it if they died tomorrow” argument is precisely what toxic people rely on to keep their victims in line. And a disturbing number of people fall for it. Look at the number of times someone will post about their mother’s appalling behaviour and one of the first responses is, “At least you still have a mother. I would give anything to have an argument with my mum”. Completely ignoring, of course, that the late mother they miss so much wasn’t a toxic bitch, which just might be swaying their view slightly.

I cut my so-called “best friend” out of my life several years ago. Not long afterwards, a former friend of my mother, who had treated her appallingly, died suddenly. I asked myself if I’d regret my decision if the same thing happened. I realised I wouldn’t, and that I’d made the right choice. Zero regrets.

I think it's a very mumsnet thing. I don't know anyone in real life who is no contact with family. Plus it often seems on here that someone will be no contact with lots of people suggesting they're the common denominator...

I’m always slightly puzzled by the term, unless of course it relates to an abusive upbringing.

My FIL is a horrible person and was particularly awful to me when I hosted him for Christmas last year.

I had previously been cooking and delivering food to him once a week but I decided to stop seeing him after his behaviour at Christmas and I haven’t seen him since and nor have I made any of my usual food deliveries. I will host him again at Christmas and of course be civil to him for the sake of our family. So I would never dream of going “No Contact” and will certainly see him at family events but I will never see him again otherwise.

It’s also a very Mumsnet thing to say “Well, I don’t know anyone who had done this/thinks this/behaves like this…” as if somehow something being outside of their experience can’t possibly have happened.

Going no contact is very very hard. I've not spoken to my parents for several years and whilst it was the best decision I ever made, it has been very very difficult at times.

I would love to pop round for dinner mid week, celebrate our birthdays, talk about people and things I only know via them etc etc

But every single time I've opened the door a crack, they've done something to make me close it again.

For every second of happiness I would get from them, I would have five seconds of unhappiness and that balance does not work for me.

I know many people who have parents that fall into the category of 'hard work' and they still see them semi regularly and have them in their lives. In general people do not go no contact with their parents over something of nothing. It is after years of upset, drama, nastiness, control etc etc

I can understand my mother is similarly narcissistic with no self awareness. It's awful however I have been no contact for a good while now. They are not your cheerleaders or well wishers, I think of them as the enemy within. Totally against human nature and not at all what a mother should be.

The problem is...

Someone posts that their husband does X thing. They really hate that the husband does X thing, they can't put up with husband doing X thing - they have tried so hard to move past it but they just can't. They have asked the husband not to do X thing, pleaded, explained etc. Husband says he doesn't care. He will keep doing X thing or the husband keeps saying he will stop doing X but doesn't.

So then they come to mumsnet and ask for advice on how to make the husband stop doing X because putting up with it isn't an option. The ONLY advice really is LTB. It sort of doesn't matter if the thing is big or small - one person can't stand it, the other is going to continue it. The only solution for the first person is put up with it or leave. Posters on here overwhelmingly advice leave.

Family is different since, in reality, going low contact or grey rock with really difficult family members is better most of the time. Unless it is impossible to emotionally detach enough to do that. Someone mentioned this being a Western problem. Yes, other countries probably stick by relatives much more but on the flip side you get more elderly abuse/abuse of disabled people. Because some families are just really messed up.

I used to think mumsnet was quite strong on LTB/go no contact. But in comparison to other advice forums on places like reddit etc it is actually much more measured. I really don't think it is the worst.

Also, reading mumsnet has made me realise just how bad some peoples boundaries can be. Someone will be roped into taking someone else's kids to school every day even though it means a half hour extra journey and then will be asking if they ABU because their "friend" now also wants to give them breakfast. Frankly some people NEED the advice to have strong boundaries/say no to CFs even though it is a cliche.

I chose not to go NC with my mother, and I think this shows how very bad things have to be before someone will cut a personn off completely.

I know many people through my voluntary work who have gone NC with family. Every single one of them left it the longest possible time, and suffered greatly as a result.

I think what is happening now is that the internet is shedding light on abuse that was previously kept at home and in the dark. People are coming to understand that what they thought of as a normal upbringing was in fact abuse. And are taking the necessary steps to protect themselves.

I think future generations will thank them for breaking the generational cycle of abuse that blights so many families.

Thanks everyone - very interesting points that have me thinking maybe the advice is given to empower women to think that they have options when dealing with abusive people.

I guess it’s a double edge sword because some families are genuinely abusive.@GreyCarpet, I am so thankful that you’re in a place where you feel you can say no now. The unlearning must be a lifetime’s work.

But I do also feel like there’s the kind of Gen Z cancel culture that affects families where parents are labelled: controlling, fascist, overbearing etc for either their political views or just being a bit strict.

I also agree that it’s a good thing that women are feeling more that they can set boundaries.

No, I often think people have already put up with shit and been taken completely for granted for way too long.

I agree with the advice on removing toxic people from your environment and having healthy boundaries, but we don't hear as much about parents (usually mothers) cutting out spiteful and abusive adult children in the same way?

This can be true but not for the reasons you suggest.

People who've lived with abuse experience trauma. Just as if you've had one abusive romantic relationship, statistically you're likely to find yourself in another, the same is true for familial abuse.

People are less likely to notice red flags because they've lived amongst them for so long.

If you're the person who is going no contact, it's likely you've just found your voice and your boundaries. If you're the person lots of people cut contact with on the other hand...

I went NC with a parent for 25 years (and some of that side of the family as a result). I am not NC with anyone else. Have close and loving relationships with other parent, siblings, wider family and in laws. My closest friends are ones that I've had for decades. I generally maintain positive relationships with colleagues, neighbours, school gate mums, professional network etc.

That said, I am someone who lets friendships that have run their course become happy memories rather than trying manically to keep them resuscitated (as some seem to do on here). I also have never been friends with exes. I'm quite ruthless in that regard.

That said, I am someone who lets friendships that have run their course become happy memories rather than trying manically to keep them resuscitated (as some seem to do on here). I also have never been friends with exes. I'm quite ruthless in that regard

I think that's probably true of me too tbf. There's only one friend I actively went nc with after he hit on me thus ruining our friendship and the friendship I had with his wife.

But I do let friendships slide when I don't want to maintain them amd am always a bit surprised at the friendships that are sometimes described on MN which don't sound anything like a friendship to me but people don't seem to he able to let them go because its someone they've known from school or whatever.

On the flip side, abusive partners and cults DO encourage people to lose contact with their families in order to increase their own hold on them. It is something that happens. But I don't think you can say "going NC is always wrong" or "anyone that goes NC with a relative has a good reason for doing so". There's a world of nuance.

I don’t think anyone who has gone no contact with a family member has done it quickly because someone pissed them off.

I’m technically no contact you could say with my whole family. To be fair, I wasn’t really close to any of them and when I turned 18 and moved away, I never looked back. We just had nothing in common and we live on opposite sides of the world now. Just not really interested. 🤷🏻‍♀️ That said, I am very close to dh’s family and have lots of lovely friendships spanning decades now.

As for my parents, my dad is dead but I did actually go NC with my mum. She married a convicted paedophile and lied to us about his past so he could have contact with my children. When we found out, we cut off any contact with him, obviously. And while I don’t think my children were ever harmed, honestly I’ll never know for sure. She took that away from me and from them. As a result of cutting off contact with this man, my mum went on to spread rumours about Dh and I and continues to this day to send crazy harassing messages. Thankfully, she no longer knows where I live, but every birthday, Christmas and Mother’s Day, without fail, I get a message from her telling me what a terrible mother I am. 🙄

But for the most part, I don’t even read them anymore. I don’t really think of her much. I won’t visit her if she is ill and I won’t go to her funeral (I doubt her partner would tell me anyway and she’s lost all her friends too, so I don’t think any of us will know when she dies).

I can’t tell you the positive difference it’s made in my life though. I can breathe again. My children will never grow up knowing the chaos I knew. They have two happy, emotionally engaged parents who aren’t stuck in the same old cycles of generational trauma. Dh and I have been the cycle breakers. I have absolutely no regrets about that. It’s been life changing.

Goodness @mindutopia what a story. Good on you for getting away, many congratulations on your peaceful life. Your mum - Jesus Christ!

Well, I think you need to go 'no contact' in your head. There's no point giving them an ''im off' manifesto. Just fade away and expect nothing. So, yeh, although I never decided to go no contact with my family, they went no contact with me because I tried to be heard. What I wish I'd done now was had an internal expect NOTHING in my head. I had so much hope though, that they'd hear me, if I could just get them to listen. Not once for five minutes in the last 5 years have they listened, so i was naive. Hearing me was never their goal. kieeping things the same was their goal.

Going no contact is supposed to be in response to toxic people who are making no effort to improve themselves.
It's not about people pissing you off sometimes. It's about people who destroy your peace of mind, even your physical health, with their abusive behavior. Why does it matter if they are relatives? Shared DNA doesn't make you family. Love does, and love has to be reciprocal.

@HotChocolateNotCocoa - Z genuinely has no idea why relative has ghosted her. I've spoken to the relative today who has told me it's because she has nothing nice to say in reply to Z's comments, and doesn't want to be unkind so would rather say nothing to Z. Meanwhile Z is sad, hurt and confused, but I don't feel it's my place to give an explanation. The relative feels Z would be even more sad, hurt and confused if she said what she wanted to, and therefore low contact is best. Personally I think she's being unkind by going very low contact with Z. I believe relative is acting on the advice of a councellor, which is why I say it's the "modern way".