To want advice before bf moves in?

[Desertislandparadise]

I've been on mn for a while and have read so many heartbreaking and/or enraging posts about deadbeat partners. I really don't want to be writing my own some years down the line. Does anyone have any advice for specific red flags or boundaries to pay attention to?

My bf (32) and I (34) have been together 2 years. We have discussed living together soon. I own my own home while he rents so it would be a question of him moving in with me (he suggested finding a new place together, but I don't want to leave my flat). He's a lovely person, very kind, but also e.g. much less confident about cooking than I am (lives off ready meals and take out) and more tolerant to mess.

I absolutely don't want to end up in a dynamic where he is "helping" me to cook and clean in the home we share. Especially not if we end up having kids.

I guess I'm asking if there are things I can do from day one that would help head that off. Since it is originally my home, how can I encourage him to see it as also his responsibility as soon as he's moved in? Financially I'll be responsible for all repairs etc but I mean the general housekeeping work needed everyday?

Get a cohabitation agreement setting out monthly contribution to bills and no equity. Then decide who does the dishes...

Make a rota for chores and cooking.
50/50 on all bills.
Set boundaries from the start.
Don't be a martyr or skivvy.

How is he contributing financially to the household? Have you worked out how much extra it will cost you for him to live there? No one gets to live for free.

Personally, I think you need to start as you mean to go on. If you cook then he washes up and puts the dishes away or load and unload the dishwasher. He does his own laundry. Write a list of household chores and agree which you'll both be doing.

You need to protect yourself. Everyone is lovely in the beginning. At the end it's a different story.

Thanks. I'm not so worried about the financial side, we've always managed to keep things fair. We've agreed an amount for him to contribute and we'll be revisiting that after a couple of months to check it's enough when we know true costs.

Let him do his own laundry
Take it in turns to cook
Both come up with a meal plan for the week
Take it in turns to do the bathroom
Divvy up the rest of the chores
Don't let him control the remote/viewing
Maintain your own activities outside the relationship

I would get legal advice as to how best to protect yourself. Everyone starts out with the best intentions, but if you're already noticing that he's muddly and can't be bothered to cook.... I would want some pretty firm ground rules and make sure that you're splitting everything 50/50 and not just living expenses.

The thing is him living with you will be saving him money. Which is lovely but it should also benefit you. Your giving up your space. You're accomodating him. He shouldn't get to save heaps while you pay everything. Where I live renting a room in a house costs £800 PCM minimum. You don't want to be unfair but you shouldn't be subsidising someone either.

Does he know how to operate a washing machine? Does he know what cleaning products to use for certain jobs? Has he ever cleaned a bathroom himself? Does his mum still do any cleaning or washing for him still? All red flags if the answer is no, apart from the mum one which if the answer is yes is also a red flag.

If you are going to end up having more work to do or having to cook all the time it’s not worth it.

Watch for phrases like ‘oh but you’re so much better at it than me’ ‘I thought you enjoyed cooking/cleaning/washing’ ‘I just can’t do it as well as you’ etc etc

Would definitely be red flags, I agree! My bf's been living independently for years now so he can do basic household chores. It's more that he cleans less often or a bit less thoroughly. With food he is happy to cook with me but doesn't cook by himself. He buys a lot of ready meals etc but I prefer home cooking.

I'm worried that there's been a dynamic where he is a 'guest' when over at mine while I'm a guest while over at his. Now that we're both going to be moving into my flat, I want to make sure that dynamic doesn't continue.

Don't forget you'll be losing your single person council tax discount. Think about how to protect your investment in the flat in case of a split further down the line. As pp said he will be making a huge saving on rent and no matter how well off you are, you should be seeing a similar saving in your expenditure.

Oh. And love too. It's not a business deal.

Not sure I'm following this. Should I ask for more money than it costs for 2 people to live in my flat? I think I would feel a bit like I was using him in that case. I want a boyfriend and not a housemate... But maybe I'm wrong. What's the norm?

You can't be the only one cooking, trust me, it gets old fast. And when kids come along, making food and food shopping becomes 100x more important and time consuming, you will HATE him if he doesn't pull his weight. You make it clear you expect him to cook. You are both grown ups, with jobs, eating is not optional. Anyone can make pasta, eggs, chilli, roast potatoes, salads, etc.

Same with cleaning. You let go some standards but make sure he does his share. And correct him every time he says he'll "help" or "I'll do it for you". It's pedantic but so much easier to correct these things in the beginning.

It will be easier to give in now and do more than him as you have no responsibilities really, but don't make that mistake for an easy life now.

Trust me, and every woman on MN, once you throw a baby in the mix, a useless man is like an anchor around your neck and it's impossible to change them because you will have more to lose than he does.

Personally, DH lived with me for 5 years in my house before we moved into a house together and I never charged him rent. That felt off. He paid for a larger share of the food shop, bills, meals out and treats. He also did a ton of maintenance on the house as he's very handy. I was happy with that.

You need a cohabiting agreement protecting your property. Please don’t ignore me and others suggesting it! Everyone is nice at the start. And he should be saving up money himself, so that you can buy a bigger place together in the future. This is so much more important than who does laundry.

Give him some firm house rules, and agree how much he'll contribute each month.
He should pay half for all the utilities/broadband, either half for food or you buy separate food.
Half for toiletries/,cleaning products/cleaner if you have one. Or might need one.
And obviously do half the household cleaning.
If he can't comply with that you should have a written clause that he has to leave!

Ok, thanks for this, definitely something to consider. I've been considering doing the cooking so long as he takes over other jobs, but I can see what you mean about that being a bad idea. I definitely want to start as I mean to go on and appreciate the advice!

I found it hard living with my soon to be ex as our levels of cleanliness and tidiness were SO different. I am probably top end of the scale, and he is bottom. I could about cope with somewhere inbetween but he is so fucking messy, and after having spent a couple of hours cleaning him walking on the floor in his muddy boots or dumping his shit everywhere instead of putting it away really got to me. I just picked up after him constantly. He did fuck all, and was happy to watch me do everything because ‘you’re so much better at it than me’ 🤬🤬

Thanks yes, I will look into something along those lines. I don't live in the UK though so it works a bit differently where I am.
And yes, I intend to ask him to set aside at least some of the money he's saving to then potentially buy a place together in the future.

I agree with PP about cooking too, being faced with ‘what’s for dinner’ every night and being the only one to have to think up things to cook is really draining. Especially if he is a fussy eater.

I realise I am projecting/venting a bit here 😂

That sounds very difficult, I'm sorry. Do you mind if I ask if it was a major source of your break up? Or is it just the cherry on top as it were?

Discuss expectations re cleaning and cooking before he moves in, and agree fair division. His attitude and responses will tell you a lot.

But I think the most important thing is whether or not he’s kind and considerate, and wants to pull his weight, and will respect you and your home. Do you get the sense he is?

My DP moved into my home and like you, I have no concerns about finances - we split things in a way we’re happy with. But we are very different! I’m very clean and tidy; he is naturally very scatty and his idea of clean is different to mine. But the important thing is: he cares about my happiness. So he cleans more than he would do if he lived along because he accepts my standards there. And he wants to cook for us. And if I’m ever doing anything round the house, or ask him for help, he helps willingly. I can’t even take out the bin without him trying to take over because he feels bad for not having done it!

So I can cope with the things that aren’t perfect because I know we love and respect each other, and that he wants things to be right, and also because discussing these things never causes a row.

@Desertislandparadise my ex didn't like cooking and I was ok with it, like you say. But then things come up such as:

1. my mum having cancer and wishing someone would make me a nice warm meal after a whole day in the hospital
2. c section - you can't move or stand enough to cook and you really can't just have takeaways, they're gross and you need nutritious food
3. wake up on a Sunday and don't want to be the one getting up to do breakfast again, forever
4. kids. Strict division of chores goes out the window. You need to be a team. And you can't be that if he won't make dinner while you deal with a sick baby or something similar. Plus, if you're the only one cooking, you're also the only one meal planning and thinking of the food shop. It's a real pain in the arse if you have a million other things to do.

More practically OP we agreed he cleans bathroom and hoovers floors; I do the kitchen and surfaces. Minimum once a week (although flexible if we’re busy, ill or away). I cook Mondays and Thursdays, he does Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It’s that easy - if the person you’re with is a team player and actually does it!