To want advice before bf moves in?

[Desertislandparadise]

I've been on mn for a while and have read so many heartbreaking and/or enraging posts about deadbeat partners. I really don't want to be writing my own some years down the line. Does anyone have any advice for specific red flags or boundaries to pay attention to?

My bf (32) and I (34) have been together 2 years. We have discussed living together soon. I own my own home while he rents so it would be a question of him moving in with me (he suggested finding a new place together, but I don't want to leave my flat). He's a lovely person, very kind, but also e.g. much less confident about cooking than I am (lives off ready meals and take out) and more tolerant to mess.

I absolutely don't want to end up in a dynamic where he is "helping" me to cook and clean in the home we share. Especially not if we end up having kids.

I guess I'm asking if there are things I can do from day one that would help head that off. Since it is originally my home, how can I encourage him to see it as also his responsibility as soon as he's moved in? Financially I'll be responsible for all repairs etc but I mean the general housekeeping work needed everyday?

Best advice I can give you is not to get married - if you have kids, chances are it's you who will be disadvantaged in career terms/financially and so if things do go pear shaped down the line, you don't want him having a claim on your biggest asset.
Dont let him finance home repairs/new kitchen as this gives him a claim.
At the same time, he has no security so I think it's fair that he gets to save some money to protect himself, so I wouldn't be charging him market rent.
It's unromantic but a cohabitation agreement lets everyone know where they stand and makes breaking up less hostile than it might otherwise be.
TLDR - hope for the best but plan for the worst.

Someone suggesting making a rota, don’t do that 😂

you’ll probably have a few teething problems, living together is a different ball game. But make sure you keep it as your house, do not place him on the mortgage or whatever, and make sure he knows that if the relationship doesn’t work out, that he will be the one to move out.

Not Read full thread.

DH could cook 2 things when we started living together.

When I finally admitted I was tired of fecking meatballs every time he got some cookbooks and branched out.

When he randomly said ‘oh, you’re not doing a roast this Sunday’, he ended up doing his first the next…

We’ve always shared housework but work to our strengths. I hate hoovering, folding clothes, making the bed so he does those. He hates washing up, cleaning bathroom and kitchen so I tend to do those (but not always).

IMO it’s vital child/housework is seen as shared. We are both equally responsible. We’ve not argued about this shit at all.

I’m currently on mat so doing maybe 75%? Usually while he has DC, he prefers that to me doing housework + childcare.

20 years together 14 married.

Start as you mean to go on. Compromise on standards (don’t do it all cos his are less).
DONT DO MORE.
oh and ensure he isn’t just gardening DIY, he needs to do day to day stuff too.

IMO you want to ensure that if you were away for a month you should return to the house (inc admin) as you left it.

much less confident about cooking than I am (lives off ready meals and take out) and more tolerant to mess.

Those are red flags there.

"Less confident about cooking" or just can't be arsed? Do you really need much confidence to cook basic meals? Just follow a YouTube recipe, that would build confidence. But he's chosen to live off take aways instead.

"More tolerant to mess" or just lazy and a bit of a slob?

I think you really need to think hard about living together without knowing where you are headed. that seems off to say but it sounds like you are thinking about this as a trial for a future marriage or permanent cohabitation. But it may not work out.,—children? Breaking up? Both of these contingencies will cause quite a bit of fallout and stress and should be prepared for.

I think what I mean is for you this sounds like a trial run as well as the next step. Is he of the same mind?