To want overachieving partner to stop 'motivating' me in my career?

[Rizzo8]

Been with partner almost a year, fairly serious.

He is an academic and I do a few things. I'm an early career author (first book) and I have a full time day job. The day job earns well and I enjoy it. It has decent salary progression but I'm never going to be filthy rich.

My partner earns 10k more than I do and has aspirations to earn a lot more. Since becoming an academic he is rubbing shoulders with a lot of senior people earning massive sums of money and has got a taste for that kind of life.

In the last few months he has twice said 'you could be an academic too if you wanted, you're more than capable' bla bla. I know that but I don't want to. It simply doesn't interest me.

But the fact it's a recurring theme bothers me - like he's disappointed with me as a partner when I do well in my own right. He also meets a lot of women around our age who are academics so it worries me sometimes.

What would you say to him if you were me?

being an academic is NOT a good way to earn money. salaries are notoriously crappy and don't go up much. So unless he is in a business school or something, I don't know who he is rubbing shoulders with.

just tell him that you don't want to be an academic. especially in the humanities, jobs are being cut all over the place and it is not a secure career to move into.

sounds a bit like he is being pretentious and doesn't know what academia is actually like.

cough tell him to fuck off and meet someone who’s not Hyacinth Bucket

But seriously, I measure my partner by how willing they are to accept me for me, and give support with things that I am trying to achieve. Your partner is the type to project his own aspirational standards on you meaning that he really doesn’t understand who you are. Leave him.

@parietal last week at a conference he had dinner with someone who earns a very big six figure sum. Think it put ideas in his head.

Although he started this line before. For me I wonder if he loves and respects me as I am - why does he need to influence me when I've lived my own life happily before meeting him?

To be clear, I'm not looking for LTB advice right now, but how to make it clear to him how I'm feeling. I struggle with this particular topic.

It sounds like your values aren't really aligned. I would just call it a day, honestly.

I know quite a few academics and most wouldn't recommend it!
They also can all only manage the academic life because their partner is not an academic!
My partner is an academic and we would really have struggled with job security and short term contracts and reliance on grant funding if I didn't have a "real" job.

Does he know and understand that you are happy as you are? If I’m being generous maybe he thinks you would like to follow in those footsteps and just need someone to believe in you/give you some encouragement?

You should dig your heels in and stick to what you are enjoying doing. Your partner has clearly gotten swept up in the whole academia thing and is trying to force you along for the ride. He may well start mixing with other women who are similar minded to him, but it would be a mistake for you to go down that route just to please him. He needs to understand and respect that you are different to him, if this causes problems further down the line then there is a different conversation to be had.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves also I'd say we are very happy in general.

As well as having a decent job, my job is flexible and I can work from various countries. Which he has already said would be great if I want to come with him for work sometimes. There are many benefits.

It's just every so often he mentions this and it winds me up.

I think he is in his own la la land - I have several friends who are in academia and no they don’t earn huge salaries , it’s definitely a case of it being a vocation. It’s notoriously problematic as much depends on funding for research etc. so often not stable. He might be lucky in an area which is currently receiving massive funding but this can change - often and quickly.

Wonder if he is currently involved in the bidding for funding process - usually lots of social events meeting the people who hold the purse strings ( not usually the academics) and paid lots as venture capitalists etc.

Just tell him it’s not for you. If he has a problem with that and struggles to accept you for you then sadly he isn’t your long term partner.

I think all you can do is have an open and honest conversation about it and then decide between you if you can agree to respect your differences.

@Lavenderblue11 thank you. I am quite happy to be different.

He is taking the relationship seriously I believe based on conversations we're having about the future.

But a small part of me worried about investing and then having him meet some shiny academic woman down the road. I suppose I can't guarantee that not happening.

I really think he needs to understand the importance of accepting you for who you are. He sounds easily swayed and influenced by peers. I think perhaps try being upfront (which you should be able to be with someone you feel entirely comfortable around ie. a partner) and just ask him if it somehow bothers him that you do not have aspirations for going into education or earning more?

He doesn't sound over-achieving. Sounds like he had one dinner with middle-management and thinks he's the bees knees.

time for The Discussion. ....you know the I am what I am one. Better to get the air clear of this now before you waste any more time.

"You've mentioned this a couple of times now. For clarity, I know I am fully capable of being an academic - I simply don't want to be. I think you mean well, but the fact you have mentioned this on multiple times is making me think you are looking down on my life choices. I am happy where I am. I respect you and your career choices, please stop making me feel that by not making those same choices you have I am somehow deficient. Everyone is different."

This is really weird - academics earn notoriously poor salaries, especially when you consider that posts which ask for PhDs, years of experience, published articles and books are ariund 40-50k. Is he perhaps feeling defensive? Maybe he is worried that YOU are going to out earn him, and is trying to establish his narrative early. "it's so easy to become an academic" isn't someting I hear academics say, ever. Brilliant academics leave all the time because of job shortage.

I would have so much more money now if I hadn't become an academic.

Your partner sounds insecure and a bit naive. He seems to need you to confirm that he's made the right career choice by aspiring to have the same thing. And from my experience as an academic in the UK, I would say a non-academic partner who can move to wherever I get a job and work from there is the holy grail of relationships. I work at an institution which is not centrally located, and where there are few skilled job opportunities nearby, so academics with professional partners either do a massive commute or their partner does. Couples where both are academics either do long-distance or one of them essentially gives up on their career and goes into professional services instead. Couples with two academics who are lucky enough both to work at the same uni can basically never leave (unless to the US or somewhere else that does partner hires).

Academic women aren't 'shiny', on the whole. Neither are the men. It's a job with ups and downs like all jobs. Most academics struggle at the moment given the state of UK universities and the lack of security. Don't let him big up himself and his own world and make you feel small. Just talk to him. Tell him you like what you do and that he needs to respect your choices.

It feels like you're insecure about him running off with another woman as he doesn't accept you the way you are. This is a him problem not a you problem. He sounds superficial. Also he's not a high flyer - he just wants to be. You sound like you have a great balance with a good f/t job plus writing.

I'm an academic. I know a few 'sleb' academics who charge £40k for speaking engagements but the vast majority of us are on crap pay and even when our pay looks ok, of you work out how many hours we work then it's probably minimum wage. It's not a glam career by any means!

I most definitely agree with this.

If I was you, and you are obviously young, I would tell him where to go.
You don't sound compatible.
I would also tell you to live your life the way you want to, as much as you can.
Nobody else is gonna do that for you, quite the opposite.

I'm really confused by this post...academics earn terrible salaries. Even the most celebrated professors earn very little... what is your partner on about?

City lawyers and bankers earn a lot – qualifying salary for a lot of city solicitors are six figures now, and I had a friend in investment banking earning around £300k in his 20s.

I've never heard of an academic earning a lot. Most stay in the profession because they love the subject, definitely not because of pay.

I think he's deluded

Only £10k more than you? He's getting above his station too quickly, I'm afraid.

@GingerPirate yes I have always lived independently and happily. Lived in multiple countries and now I'm early 30s, looking to settle down more while keeping my adventurous spirit!

The thing is we originally met through our activism and he was/is very much about the underdog and improving things for people.

I worry he's going to get carried away by the pursuit of money when it IS important but not the most important thing in life.