To want overachieving partner to stop 'motivating' me in my career?

[Rizzo8]

Been with partner almost a year, fairly serious.

He is an academic and I do a few things. I'm an early career author (first book) and I have a full time day job. The day job earns well and I enjoy it. It has decent salary progression but I'm never going to be filthy rich.

My partner earns 10k more than I do and has aspirations to earn a lot more. Since becoming an academic he is rubbing shoulders with a lot of senior people earning massive sums of money and has got a taste for that kind of life.

In the last few months he has twice said 'you could be an academic too if you wanted, you're more than capable' bla bla. I know that but I don't want to. It simply doesn't interest me.

But the fact it's a recurring theme bothers me - like he's disappointed with me as a partner when I do well in my own right. He also meets a lot of women around our age who are academics so it worries me sometimes.

What would you say to him if you were me?

One year? No kids?
I'd tell him firmly to stop and reconsider tbe relationship if he doesn't.

Thanks @Drizzlebizzle he said himself the other day that I am more balanced and varied than him in my interests and sounded a bit envious of that!

And to PP I have an academic friend who was just made redundant so he might be getting ahead of himself after all.

@radio4everyday no kids yet but starting to have those conversations.

Don't get me wrong - I do appreciate nice holidays and restaurants etc. So we have that in common. We're not poles apart. He wants a house by the sea in a similar location, so do I. And other things we've discussed.

Frankly I'm the one that owns property so I'm the one with money right now and have nothing to feel bad about!

Have you ever literally told him that you know you could, but you don't want to? And asked him why he thinks it would be better for you to do that than what you are actually doing?

I don't think this is break up material, it doesn't sound like he's being malicious especially as I'm not exactly clear if the OP has been crystal clear with him about her career aspirations not being the same as his.

He’s into activism and yet is driven by money? Those two things don’t go together…sounds like a poser to me.

I had a very similar problem, I’m a single mother and met a man who had 2 very prestigious jobs and did quite well. He was constantly sending me jobs, emailing me vacancies, signing me up to university things without asking first (so I’d get random calls and emails). He’s say the same things ‘you could do anything you want, you’re so capable’ but didn’t respect that I raise a toddler alone and don’t have time. He’d say ‘I work with lots of women who have kids’ 🙄 anyway it was clear he looked down on me and I left him yesterday 😂

If he's an academic surely he has had years of unpaid study?

He only earns 10k more and I think your son and book sounds really interesting!

I would say you are happy with your choices, but if he isn't then you'll need to have a serious conversation about what your future together looks like

Well done you! He sounds like he has major boundary issues.

Hope you are ok! X

only the very senior leaders at a university would be on 6-figures! He sounds a bit unrealistic about his own prospects. It sounds like there's a compatibility issue if he's only focused on money and progression over other things in life.

There was a thread here a while back titled something like ‘which profession would you not date, based on working that profession’. Police officer came first, then surgeon but academic did get a lot of mentions.

I know that doesn’t answer your question 😁

It kind of implies that being an academic is the pinnacle of achievement. I remember some of my peers as an undergraduate stanning the PHD students. It seemed a bit, not juvenile, but having kind of narrow horizons.

All profs in my dept are on six figures. And many of them will have private consultancy work where they double that. But that really involves horrendous hours so you don't want to encourage that as it will be you (op) who is the one facilitating that. **

Oh interesting @Footbull he has just been saying he would consider taking some additional consultancy work. Although he was quick to say 'only occasionally' because he wouldn't want it to eat in to our time together.

But I can see how that would easily get out of control.

Yes @Peonies12 he is quite ambitious. That doesn't mean he will get there but he would like to.

I asked him the other day if the work he does or the money drives him more and he said the work. I asked because he has become quite focused on the money aspect...

i'm a prof and I'm most definitely not on 6 figures. Our head of dept probably is, but the starting point for a professor in London is around £82K.

anyone in academia is clever enough to earn 10x the salary if they went into law / city / IT / etc. It is not a job that you do for the money. especially given the long hours and general insecurity etc.

One of the issues with academia is it's a bit like a pyramid scheme. I can't remember whether it's of undergrads or PhDs but only 1% will become professors

There's the constant drive for publications and grant funding then getting through REF, teaching commitments, marking and so on

My partner did do a bit of consultancy but he would be very hesitant to do it again. It was a lot of work and by the time the university and tax man took their cut it wasn't worth the effort and part of the reason he likes academia is not having a boss and freedom to explore the science that interests him and not following the demands of another person which is what the consultancy ended up.

I wonder if he has been love bombed by academia with the recent events and now is a bit googoo eyed and who wouldn't want to join the dream? Maybe it's worth a discussion about his contingency planning for academia and talk about the pros of your way of life!

I wouldn't have gotten through my PhD if I thought that academia was the only option. The prize in my eyes was a post doc position in industry. I'm just not the right personality for academia. Spending almost 5 years justifying my existence and constantly having my supervisor trying to get me kicked off the course was relentless and demolarising

Don’t add to him to your mortgage!

Make sure you’re financially protected. He’s clearly money focused.

He can either be happy with you or go off with an academic if he prefers.

As pp says, do NOT add him to your mortgage, and think very carefully about marriage if the only asset is your flat. You could get really shafted here.

I would find that really tough and have been in relationships as lower income earner (happy in my industry though)

He probably thinks he is helping you but have you told him how you feel? Money isn't everything, happiness is far more important

I know prof’s that earn 6 figures, but also Oxford Prof’s that don’t.

Sounds to me that he wants you to want a role or to value it more than you do.

Are you and him likely to want children at some point?

Of course you don't have to, but most people do and usually, raising children involves at least one person (usually the mother) losing some career progression/earnings. You don't have to go all surrendered wife and give up work to handmake jam etc. But even women in high flying, well paid jobs with kids can be negatively affected, even with childcare etc someone needs to take emergency leave when the children are sick. It might mean one woman gives up her job. It might mean another is earning 100k not 120.

Thats fine - if you have a supportive partner who also wants children and understands the costs (and values you as more than an extra paycheck). But in your situation I would worry that he might well end up feeling as if you aren't contributing/trying as hard as him while you deal with everything he can't because he's a high flyer academic

I think, after a year, it's well worth having that conversation. And definitely make sure you are on the same page before TTC. Because children change everything.

He sounds like a snob with delusions of grandeur (sorry). Hopefully he snaps out of it!

Congratulations on your book!

Gently remind him next time he mentions it, JKR is richer than the King (and the King of England too).

This is so incredibly weird.

Academia is really, really Badly paid for the level of qualifications and work.

No one enters Academia for the money.

He doesn't seem to understand what Academia is or that it's a really bad life choice if he wants to be a big earner

"stop patronising me. I'll choose my own career, if that's not good enough for you, you know where the door is".

Is probably something like what I'd say.