Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lend/give money to a friend....again.....

78 replies

TigerJoy · 15/07/2024 23:58

It's DH's friend.

Friend has mental health problems and has struggled to get started in life. He's finally, in his 40s, got a steady job, albeit low-paid. He asked DH for £100 last month, DH talked to me about it and we agreed to help - in this case it wasn't a loan but we "bought" £100 of Amazon vouchers from him (legit, apparently, although from the country he's in, where DH Is from....apparently he's paid partly in Amazon vouchers. Yes I know this sounds dodgy).

This time he's asked for £700...because apparently he owes his coke dealer. Who will break his legs if not paid. I know, I know. Friend is seeing psychiatrist more often, doing his best to get his life back on track apparently. He doesn't have anyone else he could ask, parents don't have much.

I think we should give him the money - it'll come out of savings, but we can afford it, even if we don't get it back. Having said that, we're having a baby soon. And I think we should tell friend this is the last time we can help him - due to baby etc.

Most importantly, I feel so sad for DH that this has happened to their relationship and I don't want this friend feeling he can hit him up for money every month.

Anyone got advice on how we handle this?

AIBU to lend/give him the money?
YANBU - don't give him money, he'll just keep asking, it won't help him in the long run

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 16/07/2024 00:02

He's a drug addict. He's just going to keep coming back to you for more money every time you give in to him. Why would you rather your money went towards this man's cocaine habit rather than your baby?

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:03

No, but I just feel so sorry for him.

He's been friends with DH for 30+ years and never asked for money before.

OP posts:
Walkacrossthesand · 16/07/2024 00:08

How long's he been on coke?

PossumintheHouse · 16/07/2024 00:16

So was the £100 the first time he's ever asked for money? Going up to £700 for a second loan is quite the jump. Next month it'll be £4000.
If you decide to give it to him, you have to make it absolutely clear that it is the last time. There's no winning here, though. He's bound to ask again. Why is he suddenly buying vast quantities of coke? What job pays partly in Amazon vouchers?

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:23

I don't know how long he's taken coke. He's always taken some drugs as far as I know, he has (poorly) self-medicated his MH problem.

No never asked for money before. He's been a good friend to DH through the years.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 16/07/2024 00:27

You'd be nuts to get sucked into this drama,it will be never ending.
Ex amphetamine addict of 20years.

DanielGault · 16/07/2024 00:27

£700 is a huge amount of money. Too much. In all likelihood he's going to be back in the same situation before long. So really I'd say there's no point.

lifesrichpageant · 16/07/2024 00:29

Don't do it! I say this as someone with great compassion for drug users and folks with mental health issues - if he is such a good friend to DH he wouldn't put him in this position. Set boundaries - it is believe it or not a more loving thing to do than supporting his drug habit.

suburberphobe · 16/07/2024 00:31

Your child is your priority now, not some drug addict.

MsLavender · 16/07/2024 00:35

Look into the drug trade and what happens to drug mules, including children, in the countries this is trafficked from. If you're happy to fund that then go ahead but hell would freeze over before I gave money towards funding that shit.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:39

DanielGault · 16/07/2024 00:27

£700 is a huge amount of money. Too much. In all likelihood he's going to be back in the same situation before long. So really I'd say there's no point.

This is what I'm worried about. That this will just be the start of lots of drama and begging requests which will massively upset DH and not do his friend any good in the long run either.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 16/07/2024 00:41

@TigerJoy are you certain this is DH’s friend and not a scammer? Even if it is the friend, he won’t stop asking … you need to say no.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:58

Ohnobackagain · 16/07/2024 00:41

@TigerJoy are you certain this is DH’s friend and not a scammer? Even if it is the friend, he won’t stop asking … you need to say no.

Yep, definitely friend, they have talked on the phone about it.

I think given the threat of violence we'll give him this and say absolutely last time, can't afford anymore.

OP posts:
DanielGault · 16/07/2024 01:04

TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:58

Yep, definitely friend, they have talked on the phone about it.

I think given the threat of violence we'll give him this and say absolutely last time, can't afford anymore.

Show quote history

Write it off in this instance and make it crystal clear to H that this is the last time. No matter what sob story he comes up with next time. You are a very lovely friend btw.

Heelworkhero · 16/07/2024 01:04

You’ll give him the money, he’ll ask again and then you’ll say no.
Friend will feel even more let down as you were able to help before, why not now?

Friendship will be over then and you’re £700 down.
Rather than friendship over now and you hang onto your £700.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 01:22

DanielGault · 16/07/2024 01:04

Write it off in this instance and make it crystal clear to H that this is the last time. No matter what sob story he comes up with next time. You are a very lovely friend btw.

Show quote history

Thanks. I think that's the stance to take. Absolutely this is the last time.

And hope that it is the last time he asks.

OP posts:
DanielGault · 16/07/2024 01:43

TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 01:22

Thanks. I think that's the stance to take. Absolutely this is the last time.

And hope that it is the last time he asks.

Show quote history

You're wavering already there now. It doesn't matter if it's the last time he asks, you can almost be sure he will. But you need to have it very very clear in your head that he will never get another red cent out of you again. He'll probably disappear soon enough after the cash dries up. Sorry.

Theleftbehind · 16/07/2024 01:56

Do not give him the £700!

He might pay it all to his dealer or only part of it and then get high with the rest.

If he pays it all to his dealer, the dealer may then think he is reliable in paying his debt and your DH's friend gets more cocaine on the understanding they'll get paid later. Who will your DH's friend keep running to to help pay the drug dealer so he doesn't get beaten up?

You and your DH are going to lose the friendship in the end. You might as well start the process now by saying no to giving him the £700.

That way when the friendship ends he hasn't taken all your savings with him, especially when you need all the money for your baby. Having a drug addiction is expensive, but so is bringing up a child. So prioritise your baby not your drug addict friend.

Original poster
TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 01:58

DanielGault · 16/07/2024 01:43

You're wavering already there now. It doesn't matter if it's the last time he asks, you can almost be sure he will. But you need to have it very very clear in your head that he will never get another red cent out of you again. He'll probably disappear soon enough after the cash dries up. Sorry.

Show quote history

Not wavering on giving any more money - just hoping friend respects our decision and doesn't ask DH again. I appreciate he probably will - but I can hope, for DH's sake.

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 16/07/2024 02:02

I think given the threat of violence we'll give him this and say absolutely last time, can't afford anymore

You're worse than daft if you give him a single penny. He's a drug addict. He's dealing with people who use threats of violence all the time. He'll be threatened with violence again probably sooner than later. What then

You're basically giving him £700 to an addict to buy drugs. How will you feel when he's found dead having overdosed on the drugs you paid for

Pay him this time and he'll be back again and again and again

Nothankyou22 · 16/07/2024 02:10

Don’t give it to him, my brother did this all the time, never paid the debts, got beaten up and would do it over and over again, he found ways to fund his habits either way, usually through theft, lasted 17 years until he hit rock bottom and thankfully now has rebuilt his life but I realised we were all just helping fund his habit.

SheSaidHummingbird · 16/07/2024 02:22

No. Absolutely no.

FuckMeUpFlorida · 16/07/2024 02:46

Don't do it OP, this won't be the end of it. Prioritise your baby.

HarrytheHobbit · 16/07/2024 02:50

Don't be a fool. He will ask for more and more. It's a situation of his own making, he'll just have to deal with it himself. Prioritise your family and forget about this coke addled loser.

Eviebeans · 16/07/2024 02:55

TigerJoy · 16/07/2024 00:58

Yep, definitely friend, they have talked on the phone about it.

I think given the threat of violence we'll give him this and say absolutely last time, can't afford anymore.

Show quote history

The trouble is that - if this is true- once the dealer knows there is someone who will clear any debt (I.e. you and your DH) they will keep supplying to your friend