To lend/give money to a friend....again.....

[TigerJoy]

It's DH's friend.

Friend has mental health problems and has struggled to get started in life. He's finally, in his 40s, got a steady job, albeit low-paid. He asked DH for £100 last month, DH talked to me about it and we agreed to help - in this case it wasn't a loan but we "bought" £100 of Amazon vouchers from him (legit, apparently, although from the country he's in, where DH Is from....apparently he's paid partly in Amazon vouchers. Yes I know this sounds dodgy).

This time he's asked for £700...because apparently he owes his coke dealer. Who will break his legs if not paid. I know, I know. Friend is seeing psychiatrist more often, doing his best to get his life back on track apparently. He doesn't have anyone else he could ask, parents don't have much.

I think we should give him the money - it'll come out of savings, but we can afford it, even if we don't get it back. Having said that, we're having a baby soon. And I think we should tell friend this is the last time we can help him - due to baby etc.

Most importantly, I feel so sad for DH that this has happened to their relationship and I don't want this friend feeling he can hit him up for money every month.

Anyone got advice on how we handle this?

AIBU to lend/give him the money?
YANBU - don't give him money, he'll just keep asking, it won't help him in the long run

I'm afraid this is just all going to end in tears whatever you do. So best to not give him the £700 to buy more drugs.

You give him the £700, he buys more drugs and then next time he comes back asking for more money. You say no, he pushes and pushes until you feel really uncomfortable and the friendship is really damaged. Then he asks again for money and the cycle continues until your DH breaks off the friendship.

So why throw £700 now at more drugs as it won't be to pay off his dealer.

You're being an absolute fool.

Even IF this threat of violence is true, it isn't going to be the last, is it? What if next time instead of broken legs they threaten to kill him and he needs 2k to prevent it?

You're funding his drug habit and he is never going to get better with you doing it.

I would say I cannot give or lend you any cash for you to give it to a drug dealer, that is not and never will happen, but I would be happy to get you a food shop, or pay a specific bill or take you to AA each week - or whatever the drug equivalent is.

I haven't abandoned him totally to his fate, but my money is not going directly to a drug dealer. If he refuses the help on offer - and I suspect he would - then that's his choice, not mine.

Obviously I know that if I spend £50 in Asda that's £50 extra he has in his pocket to spend on drugs, and I am delaying the descent to rock bottom, but i would feel really bad just not doing anything

If you give him cash this time, he absolutely will ask again. Like a PP said, best start practicing the art of "no" now. When a person's in active addiction, they only have one mission in life - to obtain more substance of choice. Lying becomes like breathing.

This man won't stop asking for money because you asked him to. You'll have to put your foot down at some point, so may as well do it now. You're doing him no favours by kicking the can down the road anyway. You don't need this man's shit marring the arrival of your baby.

Because he probably had another gullible person who's had enough!

Honestly you are not helping him giving him the money, next time it will be £1k etc etc

I wouldn't no. You are funding a drug habit. I see how hard that is though.

In an ex cocaine addict, you can search me on here as I've talked about this in the past on other threads about people asking if they should support a cocaine addict.

The answer is no. Absolutely 100% do not give this man money. If you do you are enabling him to carry on taking drugs. You are funding organised crime and that's a whole other moral equation.

Cocaine addicts take take take and can not see the trauma they are putting people through in their worst to get High. BUT it's pretty common for petite with drug issues ( especially cocaine) to have undiagnosed ADHD . ADHD is a dopamine disorder and coke literally gives us a giant ZIIIING! Of the very chemical we are so desperately lacking.

If you wait really want to help him then consider if he could foot the profile for ADHD and support him in chasing a diagnosis and then legal medication.

He's not a friend any more, he knows this, you haven't caught up yet.

I actually think you're both being despicable. You're involving yourself in drugs while you have a baby on the way.

What happens if this friend tells his drug dealer buddies that you paid his bill? What happens if he can't pay next time and he gives them your address? Drug addicts will do anything to avoid a beating. You'd risk any of that with a baby?

Drug dealer threatening violence is an old scam. Even if it was true it wouldn't be long before he'd run up another debt and his legs would be under threat of breakage again. Never ending circle of asking for ever increasing amounts of money. Tell him no, no money, ever again. He's an adult, let him sort his own life and debts out. You need to focus on your baby, your little family should be both yours and your husband's first priority now. It doesn't matter how long your husband has been friends with him, he needs to distance himself.

He will ask again and he'll up the ante too. It won't be broken legs, it'll be his life.

It doesn't matter if you tell him this is the last time.
He won't believe you.

You're being daft and prioritising an unrelated drug addict over your baby.

Do not enable

OP, you need to put your baby first. This parasite will, as others have said, be back for more and suck the very life blood from you if you let him. You need to say no now, loud and clear. I would be worried about repercussions that would affect my family - and constant, draining demands for money will surely do that. Who asks a friend for £700 to settle a drug debt? Don’t enable him, or the drugs industry. You sound like a kind person, but I regret to say you’re being taken for a mug.

From one sucker to another. Toughen up.

You will never see that money again and that man is too far gone to be a friend any longer.

Just tell him you don’t have it.

Coke is a truly vile drug and destroys the lives of thousands, particularly the poor in countries like Columbia. He's an addict and trying to sponge off you is appalling. Tell him to go get himself clean or find a job to pay off the money. The threat of violence is not your problem. Tough love needed here.

I think you're mad getting involved. He's an addict. This will never end.

You'd be an absolute fool to give him £700 to pay a drug dealer. He will see this as a free pass to buy more drugs and get in an even shittier situation next month. He needs to stand on his own two feet, you're enabling at the moment, and that's nothing to be proud of. If anything, you giving him this money is going to end him in a heap load of more trouble in time. What happens next time he owes his dealer £2000? When you don't stump up for that, he'll be even more fucked. Stop. Now. Let him figure this one out for himself and then he hopefully will learn that he can't rely on others to bail him out, and may think twice about his life choices. You've got a baby on the way for christ sake, don't tangle yourself up financially with drug dealers and their "clients".

I wouldn’t give money to a druggie. If he’s in trouble, it’s up to him to sort it out. Enabling this never works. 🤷‍♀️

Never asked you for money before, but are you absolutely sure he hasn't asked others and those others have now stopped giving it to him.
He may be moving along his line of friends asking to borrow money.

This. It's actually maddening. You and your partner need to grow some balls, tell him NO, and ideally give him a stark warning of "how dare you ask me for that sort of money when you know we have a baby on the way, and I've already (stupidly) helped you out recently. Do not ask me for money ever again. Sort your life out." and then maybe, just maybe, he may grow up a little and learn that no one is going to be there to wipe his ass for him, and he needs to make better choices in life. You giving him money, although may make you feel like a good samaritan, but trust me, all it does is makes YOU part of his long term problems.

I’ve worked with drug addicts over the years. Their situations end one of three ways:

1. dead
2. in prison (generally boomeranging in and out)
3. they get proper help and support and get clean.

Nobody ever, ever gets to 3) while they are still in the phase of asking their friends for money and making you feel guilty because if you don’t they’ll be beaten up or killed. If you give him this money he’ll buy more drugs and he’ll be further on the path to outcome 1) or 2).

The best help you can give him - and the best way of being a friend - is to help him to access services to help with his addiction, but even then it won’t work if he’s not ready to face up to his problems.

Giving him more money just buys more
drugs. Don’t do it.

You lost me at 'dealer'

Giving him money is enabling him. Stop.

Absolutely not. I would bet he doesn't owe it to a drug dealer and there's no threat to his legs at all. My guess is he tried you out with the £100 and now he's using this as an excuse to get money out of you knowing you're too kind hearted to say no - it'll go straight up his nose. If he does get his legs broken it might teach him not to get into debt to drug dealers. Sorry but no way would I give anyone money like that when I could save it for my children.

Next time it might be you that the drug dealer is threatening with violence. Addicts have no hesitation in throwing their family and friends to the wolves to feed their habit