To lend/give money to a friend....again.....

[TigerJoy]

It's DH's friend.

Friend has mental health problems and has struggled to get started in life. He's finally, in his 40s, got a steady job, albeit low-paid. He asked DH for £100 last month, DH talked to me about it and we agreed to help - in this case it wasn't a loan but we "bought" £100 of Amazon vouchers from him (legit, apparently, although from the country he's in, where DH Is from....apparently he's paid partly in Amazon vouchers. Yes I know this sounds dodgy).

This time he's asked for £700...because apparently he owes his coke dealer. Who will break his legs if not paid. I know, I know. Friend is seeing psychiatrist more often, doing his best to get his life back on track apparently. He doesn't have anyone else he could ask, parents don't have much.

I think we should give him the money - it'll come out of savings, but we can afford it, even if we don't get it back. Having said that, we're having a baby soon. And I think we should tell friend this is the last time we can help him - due to baby etc.

Most importantly, I feel so sad for DH that this has happened to their relationship and I don't want this friend feeling he can hit him up for money every month.

Anyone got advice on how we handle this?

AIBU to lend/give him the money?
YANBU - don't give him money, he'll just keep asking, it won't help him in the long run

No. Sorry, "Friend", but you don't have money to spare. Your family has to come first. You can't honestly believe this will stop him coming back for more. It's only postponing the inevitable hard no your husband will have to give his former friend.

Drugs suck, but you can't pick up all the pieces for this ex-friend, no matter how hard you want to, even if you had all the money in the world to bail him out time after time. He has to face the consequences and help himself.

This is the thin end of the wedge. He will keep a asking you for money - already it’s ramped up from £100 to £700.

I suspect he can’t ask other people because he’s already abused their good nature, and they’ve turned him down. Rarely does someone randomly ask for money - there’s usually a pattern.

Seven hundred pounds is alot if money, and you’re having a baby soon. Don’t give him the money . Say that spare cash is baby stuff etc.

Do you really hate this man OP? If not, then why would you even think of funding his drug addiction. By giving him more money, you are just prolonging his agony. So, he gets his legs broken because he owes his dealer, harsh, I know, but maybe that is what it will take to make him realise that he has to stop and get the help he needs to get off the drugs. Give him the money, OK, you may stop him getting his legs broken, but you may be paying for the drugs that kill him.

A horrible thought I know, but what if when your baby arrives, he/she is in need of extremely expensive treatment for something, that isn't available on the NHS, and you can't pay for it because you are short of £700?

THINK ABOUT IT OP!!

Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind!

if you really want to help him financially (and I am not at all sure you should) can you give him it in other ways? Directly pay some credit card debt, directly pay his landlord or his electricity bill etc.

I know you will feel bad if you don't give it to him, but just don't. Seriously it would be like flushing it down the loo

Anyone taking drugs will say absolutely anything to get the money and won't think twice about the friendship. Believe me I've been here so many times with my brother.

Always some fantastical story and I end up feeling bad or guilty but somehow his legs never got broken or the job he was about to lose didn't fall through.

Even if you give it to him, you'll just feel resentful and deep down know it's a complete waste.

You’re a mug if you think this wil be the last request. Next request will come with an even more extreme threat of violence towards him if he doesn’t pay. Etc etc etc

don’t fund a drug habit

You're a mug OP. But it sounds like you need to learn the hard way.

You’re clearly a very compassionate person OP and I really commend you wanting to help.

That said, I think you have to show great caution in situations like these. Drug addiction robs people of their ability to show respect and consideration for their friends. He may already be lying to you about why he needs the money (it’s ringing alarm bells that he’s saying it’s needed for his safety), he certainly will do so again in future. If he’s actively using then sending him £700 is likely just giving him a large amount of money to hurt himself with.

Can you offer him support in other ways? Pay for food or a bill of some kind, help him access rehab or addiction support services? You’re under no obligation but if you want to spend money on helping him that would be a safer way to do it.

But you are wavering on this request. And you will waver on the next, otherwise you wouldn't be having a dilemma this time. You'd see what everyone else can see and say no. If you're this much of a pushover with him, he must think it's like taking candy from a baby. Can you lend me £700 too please? I'll pm you my account details 😉

Obviously I'm not expecting you to do it, I'm just demonstrating what a mug you look like to everyone else.

Drug addicts are manipulative and will do or say anything to get their fix; this person is no longer a friend.

I think that is what I'd do too. But absolutely try and make sure he understands you cannot afford anymore.

Are you mad? I wouldn’t even consider giving him the money. As others have pointed out, now he knows you’re a soft touch, he’ll just keep coming back with more sob stories.

I doubt he'll believe you that it's the last time as you appear to have mug written across your forehead.

Don’t do it he needs to learn his lesson least it’s only his legs getting broke, if you give him the £700 what will happen next month when he rings and says he needs 2k or his legs are going to get chopped off. You are joining a vicious circle that isn’t going to help anyone.

I'd stop. I wouldn't have given any after the first time they didn't pay it back but then we don't have much to spare.

There are plenty of agencies that will help someone in genuine need.

He’s a drug addict. He’s not going to magically stop because you give him money but insist it’s the last time. He will be back, the amount will be higher and his claims will escalate. This will not buy you peace.

I think given the threat of violence we'll give him this and say absolutely last time, can't afford anymore.

And what happens next time the friend asks, no doubt with another sob story?

Time to face the reality that friend as very sadly a drug addict, and you really aren't helping him by funding his habit.

You have a baby on the way. Your money should be spent on your baby, not on some misguided attempt to help an addict.

Just a hint, drug users tell lies to get money. Even to their friends. They make up stories like my drug dealer is going to break my legs. next week it will be my drug dealer is going to beat my mum up if i don't pay. Your own posts read like you are just trying to justify to yourself why you should do it and are going to do it anyway regardless what people say, so why are you bothering? Just give him the money. You are going to anyway. I look forward to your future post when you don't know if you should lend him money the third time because his drug dealer is going to punch his granny.

This is a really hard situation, because you want to help your friend and are trying to work out how to do it.

I think giving money specifically to pay off a drug debt would be crossing a boundary for me - it's enabling the behaviour and it will make it very hard to say no next time. It isn't going to solve the problem for him - it's just pushing it further down the line.

I would probably speak to a drug addiction helpline to see what their advice is. But it doesn't sound like he is planning to stop using drugs.

I think your beingnincredibly naive to think he will spend £700 on repaying a dealer instead of hunting more drugs. He would probably rather have £700 of coke and broken legs.

I'm actually quite cross that you both think £700 is better spent to a drug dealer than on your child. Just because you can afford something it doesn't make it morally the right choice. Your friend is an adult and needs to he accountable.

It'll be £700 then £1000 then £1500 etc.
Don't be a fool.

Basically your hard earned cash is paying for his drug habit. If he OD's will you feel guilty?

This is one of the most batshit posts I've ever read. He's had a hard time of it and you want to help him out - but he's spending his (and yours if you give it) money on cocaine! What do you think your £700 will achieve? You might as well set fire to fifty pound notes.

I can't believe that you are giving money that you could use for your baby and giving it to a drug addict to give to his dealer. Invest it for your baby.