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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9 year old saying I look pregnant

53 replies

Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:35

I've got 3 kids and while I'm generally slim all over, I do have a little pot belly and I'm also on my period.

I was sitting down and my 9 year old said 'when you sit down you look pregnant!'. Now, as a teenager, my parents (dad in particular) commented on my weight all the time. My son has made comments about my weight in the past, and I spoke to him about never commenting on anyone's appearance. Neither me nor my husband ever discuss anyone's appearance either to them or behind their back and for me it's just a no-no.

My son said it as I was just sitting having a cup of tea and I said 'oh right, thanks'. He said he didn't mean anything by it and I felt like I'd gone back in time to my dad telling me I need to lose weight. I remember the feeling of just living, just existing in my home watching TV or reading a book and having some kind of comment directed at me. I left the room and then asked my son for a word.

I calmly told him that it's unkind to comment on anyone's body, that 3 pregnancies have left me with a bit of a tummy but it hurt my feelings. My son started to cry and said sorry. We hugged it out and it was over in about 2 minutes but did I over react?

I don't know if it's just a sore spot for me or if anyone else would have just laughed it off? I didn't think it was funny but I don't think my son meant to be mean. Should I have just ignored it or have I actually created an issue of projecting my issues onto him? I don't want to be hyper sensitive mother who requires everyone to tip toe around her, either.

So, wibu to speak to him about it? Commenting on people's weight was so normal in my house that I really don't know.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 15/07/2024 16:36

I don't think you overreacted, it seems a lovely way to deal with it.n

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 16:37

You're right to say we don't comment on other people's appearance, but I'd let it go beyond that.

PennyNotWise · 15/07/2024 16:38

I think it’s fine, it’s good to learn not to comment on a persons appearance.

Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:39

DanielGault · 15/07/2024 16:37

You're right to say we don't comment on other people's appearance, but I'd let it go beyond that.

Yes I'm.going to leave it as I've dealt with it now.

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 15/07/2024 16:39

I’d say you handled it well. I have a 10yo and would have said similar.

AbraAbraCadabra · 15/07/2024 16:41

I think you handled it perfectly.

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:41

I’d not have taken it so seriously, not to make him cry like that. It’s a bit much.

I also find not ever discussing appearance a bit much too. People comment on appearance, it’s ok to do so, things like you look fantastic, your hair cut is nice, you suit your new top, you’re very handsome, whatever. But never doing it will make him think something is wrong.

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:42

Sorry why did you ask him to leave the room to talk to him. Why couldn’t you do it there and then?

Moonshiners · 15/07/2024 16:42

Oh he is a sweetie.
Sounds like you said all that needs to be said and now hopefully he will never accidentally say it to someone who could be far more upset than you (such as more poor friend who desperately wants a baby but is infertile but has IBS)

Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:43

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:41

I’d not have taken it so seriously, not to make him cry like that. It’s a bit much.

I also find not ever discussing appearance a bit much too. People comment on appearance, it’s ok to do so, things like you look fantastic, your hair cut is nice, you suit your new top, you’re very handsome, whatever. But never doing it will make him think something is wrong.

Well yes, we very frequently make positive comments, and try to build.our kids up by telling them how beautiful they are (just the way they are) and saying kind things about others appearance. I meant we don't criticise people's appearance.

OP posts:
Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:44

Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:43

Well yes, we very frequently make positive comments, and try to build.our kids up by telling them how beautiful they are (just the way they are) and saying kind things about others appearance. I meant we don't criticise people's appearance.

Show quote history

Ok, but please accept that’s not what you said and as I don’t know you, it would have been impossible for me to guess you’d written the wrong thing.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 15/07/2024 16:45

I think you were a little over-dramatic saying it hurt your feelings.

You've chosen to have three babies so of course it's likely you won't have a flat stomach, so rather than saying it hurt your feelings, I would have just explained that's what happens to a woman's body when you go through three pregnancies and normalise it.

By saying it hurt your feelings almost implies that there is something wrong with your body, which is not true at all.

LionAndEmperor13 · 15/07/2024 16:46

I've also had the occasional unkind comment from my youngest son. I've done the same as you and spoken to him gently about it, but he did get upset.
I felt terrible but I do think it's so important to teach our kids to be kind. They obviously didn't mean to be 'mean' and probably thought the comment was funny, but of course it's hurtful, and I'd rather my kids be brought up with consideration for other people's feelings. I might be 'just mummy' but I have feelings too!

MartyFunkhouser · 15/07/2024 16:46

I think you over-reacted. He wasn’t saying it to be unkind.

Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:46

Sillystrumpet · 15/07/2024 16:42

Sorry why did you ask him to leave the room to talk to him. Why couldn’t you do it there and then?

I just went into a weird headrush where I felt like I was a teenager again and felt a sense of shame totally wash over me. I walked into the hallway because I had an instinctive reaction to stand up when he said it, and then went back inside to call him out. I was deciding what to do and thought the best thing was to nip it in the bud but didn't want to do it in front of my husband and daughter as they were playing a game. I didn't deliberately try to make him cry; I just don't think he realised how hurtful I found it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:48

LionAndEmperor13 · 15/07/2024 16:46

I've also had the occasional unkind comment from my youngest son. I've done the same as you and spoken to him gently about it, but he did get upset.
I felt terrible but I do think it's so important to teach our kids to be kind. They obviously didn't mean to be 'mean' and probably thought the comment was funny, but of course it's hurtful, and I'd rather my kids be brought up with consideration for other people's feelings. I might be 'just mummy' but I have feelings too!

That's how I feel too.

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/07/2024 16:49

I think you did fine. We also teach our kids not to comment on appearance unless it’s to give compliments. That is a simple rule all children (and adults) should be able to grasp. Mine also forget occasionally and have to be gently reminded.

At 9 they’re ready to understand that these comments can cause pain, even if made innocently. Doesn’t sound like you hammered the point or shamed him. He just felt bad about hurting you. Which is fine and healthy.

Greenlittecat · 15/07/2024 16:51

My son has said similar in the past and I took the same, gentle approach- it's not nice to comment on people's size and if it's not a compliment to keep it to himself. No shaming for having those thoughts but not to be unkind.

GlassOfMilkandCookies · 15/07/2024 16:52

It's odd that people think you shouldn't have said your feelings were hurt! That's literally the truth and a perfect way for him to understand it was hurtful. He cried as he felt guilty, not because he was called out on it.

I think you handled it well.

Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:52

My parents have poked me in the belly into adulthood saying things like 'porky!' And 'are you sure there's not another one in there?' and it's humiliating and very difficult not to feel hurt. This triggered it.

OP posts:
MartyFunkhouser · 15/07/2024 16:57

It’s not really your son’s burden to bear that you found it triggering though. I’d be more upset you made him cry over his innocent comment.

GiveItAGoMalcom · 15/07/2024 16:58

I think you overreacted but I get why, because if you read your OP back, there's an awful lot about you in it.

I think taking him out of the room was unnecessary, no wonder he cried when he was just telling the truth (you agreed your had a swollen stomach).

A simple "It's unkind to make comments like that, even if you do believe it to be true".

And then once he's apologised (or asked why and you've explained), you should've left it at that.

GiveItAGoMalcom · 15/07/2024 16:59

MartyFunkhouser · 15/07/2024 16:57

It’s not really your son’s burden to bear that you found it triggering though. I’d be more upset you made him cry over his innocent comment.

Yes, this is what I was getting at but I waffled a bit.

Original poster
Messageinathrottle · 15/07/2024 16:59

GiveItAGoMalcom · 15/07/2024 16:58

I think you overreacted but I get why, because if you read your OP back, there's an awful lot about you in it.

I think taking him out of the room was unnecessary, no wonder he cried when he was just telling the truth (you agreed your had a swollen stomach).

A simple "It's unkind to make comments like that, even if you do believe it to be true".

And then once he's apologised (or asked why and you've explained), you should've left it at that.

I did leave it at that

OP posts:
TiffanyBean · 15/07/2024 17:01

Maybe he was just trying to find out if you were actually pregnant? Perhaps he didn’t see it as a positive or a negative comment, just a possible observation.