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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I controlling?

78 replies

bigminime · 15/07/2024 11:20

Dh and I are both quiet by nature unlike dh family who are loud and pushy and can be quite persuasive.
I never felt like I had a voice with his family or even with dh if and we discussed anything and made plans they'd soon be pushed aside when his family had other suggestions.
I decided a couple of years ago not to go along with what his family were doing and keep myself to myself and asked dh not to share too much of our personal lives because his thoughts would often change as they talked him in or out of things after we'd agreed between ourselves.
Dh doesn't see much of them now and I know it's because of arguments with him always trying to please his family and please me and in the end I think he felt he had to choose although that was never truly the case, more that he was fed up being stuck in the middle.
Dh has never been much of a decision maker and likes to go with the flow but I feel like he'll agree with me if they aren't involved or them otherwise.

I suppose I felt as if they stepped on my toes and I'm used to my independence and felt a bit stifled.
Now there isn't any real relationship between dh and his family and I suppose I'm responsible for that even though dh says he doesn't mind or could see them if he wanted but doesn't bother these days.
I feel a lot of guilt and as much as I'd like to put things right I can't go back to being constantly undermined either.
All I said was I didn't want to be involved with them and he's not seen them either because for very obvious reasons they don't like me now and want to see him without me which I do worry about because I know they'll try and persuade him to leave and I think he knows this and that's why he stays away.
I thought getting away from them would make me happier but living with this guilty feeling is even worse.
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.
I used to think how controlling they were and it was unbearable but now I'm wondering if I've been just as controlling?

OP posts:

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/07/2024 11:36

If he asked you not to talk about things that were going on in your life or things that were bothering you with your family and friends, because he didn’t want them saying something different from what he was telling you, would you think that was a healthy dynamic?

Isolating a partner from family and friends and ensuring they can’t seek outside opinions about something is a tactic commonly used by those who want to remain in control, because it means that the partner never realises that the something in question is abnormal or that other people disagree with it. Perhaps his family were overbearing, but I don’t think that your response to it is facilitating a healthy, equal relationship.

anchoviesanchovies · 15/07/2024 11:37

This is quite hard to answer without more information really. To my mind, a lot of what you said does sound controlling and it’s a shame that he effectively no longer has contact with his family. You saying he’ll agree with you without their influence sounds a bit off. BUT it depends on how they undermined you. Is it just that you have different opinions to them or were they really trying to control DH? Any examples?

ContentSolitudinarian · 15/07/2024 11:38

Your DH has chosen to have lower contact with his family rather than deal with the issues. He finds that easier, so he's chosen that for himself. My take on it fwiw.

MissUltraViolet · 15/07/2024 11:41

It sounds controlling but you'd need to give examples of what they used to do/say for anyone to have a better idea.

It's ok for someone to have a different opinion to yourself and it's ok for a partner to seek the thoughts and opinions of family and friends and talk things through with people.

Bex5490 · 15/07/2024 11:41

What was his relationship like with his family before you? Were they close? Does he say he had a good upbringing?

KrisAkabusi · 15/07/2024 11:43

All I said was I didn't want to be involved with them

But you also asked dh not to share too much of our personal lives and Dh has never been much of a decision maker and likes to go with the flow but I feel like he'll agree with me if they aren't involved or them otherwise, so you don't actually want him to ever disagree with you.

It does sound pretty controlling to me.

EatTheGnome · 15/07/2024 11:44

It depends on the exact examples.

You both agree to breastfedd nd they push formula, no you aren't being controlling.

You want to go to Turkey and they want you come on a familynholiday to Itay and DH wants to do Italy, yeah you could well be.

ContentSolitudinarian · 15/07/2024 11:48

Bex5490 · 15/07/2024 11:41

What was his relationship like with his family before you? Were they close? Does he say he had a good upbringing?

I think it depends. We are very close and open as a family. My son in law is more private, so there are things my DD isn't so open about. I don't think that's a problem. I think it's important to respect that different people have different levels of comfort about sharing.

It does sound to me like OP's DH is just going low contact as that's easier for him than navigating the different styles. Communication is hard for some people.

StrawberryMemories · 15/07/2024 11:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

oapcarer · 15/07/2024 11:53

I think the parents are probably controlling and clash with you as you are a stronger character than your DH and, while he will take their nonsense, you won't.

The fact that he can't make decisions is a red flag to me. He can't make decisions because he is used to people making them for him and hasn't been allowed to have his own opinion.

I also wouldn't see your reluctance for him to discuss your relationship with them as something more sinister. They already have a bias against you and sound as if they would throw anything back in his or your face. If he did need to confide in anyone, it would need to be someone more neutral so he could maintain a clear head.

Be careful, though, that he doesn't swap his passiveness with his family for his passiveness with you or he'll become resentful. You are right to discourage zero contact with his family.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 11:59

Agree wit other posters, it's hard to say really.

I mean, it's pretty classic controlling/abusive behaviour to find ways to separate a person from their family. And it's also pretty classic for someone like this to pick someone who is a people pleaser/wants to keep everyone happy.

On th eother hand, if his family were massively controlling/overbearing/manipulative, then your response might be totally justified.

Original poster

bigminime · 15/07/2024 12:02

It's more along the lines of we pick out baby names and agree on one, call baby that for a week, tell them, they don't like it and so he doesn't like that name anymore.
We arrange and book to go somewhere for lunch and then invite one of them, they say somewhere else and we end up going there.
I feel completely invisible, like we had plans before we invited them now that all goes out the window and we go along with what they want.

Dh lived with his family until his late 20s and always did as they said mostly his mum but it's a family where everyone has always gone along with what she says and I didn't want to. A lot of it is that I have lived independently since I was 18 and my family support my choices and he lived with his family until late 20s and was terrified of their disapproval.

OP posts:

Original poster

bigminime · 15/07/2024 12:14

I've never wanted to isolate him from his support network, I'm aware of the importance of family.
I agree we have very different upbringings, my family are very respectful of our privacy and his family don't have any boundaries whatsoever and it feels a bit like an interigaion so you share much more than you wanted because you're put on the spot and then you're life pulled apart and analysed that makes me uncomfortable.
We're in our 40s and I haven't had to answer to anyone for my entire adult life so I don't now.

OP posts:

stayathomer · 15/07/2024 12:21

Is the name thing not just him hearing it and changing his mind though? I’d be like him in that way, easily turned, but yes I get that when people are more forthright it can be hard. To be honest he sounds like he’s caught a bit as he’s easily swayed but then you’ve had to adapt/adjust too so really hard but sad for him too.

I wouldn’t blame yourself but it’s just a pity- my dh doesn’t see my family a lot- we live near his and he works a lot so doesn’t prioritise visiting with me and so it’s like a non family event and so I do feel a bit isolated sometimes (although his family are lovely and great). My kids don’t know my side so would never talk about them/ see them as family. It’s a pity.

Sotired22 · 15/07/2024 12:23

It sounds more like the issue is that you were never really compatible with your DH to be honest, he’s a people pleaser who can’t make his own decisions and that annoyed you (it would me as well), but he hasn’t changed, he’s just cut his family off to do as you say now rather than them? I’m not sure you can ever really resolve this unless he finds a bit more of a backbone and finds a way to be involved with his family but also still have boundaries with them and know his own mind.

Drizzlebizzle · 15/07/2024 12:26

Doesn't sound controlling to me. You've understandably stepped back and your DH isn't making much of an effort to see his family. That's his decision - or it sounds like if you're not actively facilitating contact, he won't take that action himself. Still not your problem

bringmethesun · 15/07/2024 12:55

It sounds like his mother is a classic narcissist and the rest of his family including him are used to rallying round trying to please her, your husband is used to doing things her way and now is choosing to support you knowing the detrimental effects this will have on his mother and her flying monkeys.
You are now feeling the effects of the narcissist who doesn't want you around and is gaslighting you and everyone into believing it's all your doing and is backed up by flying monkeys and your husband knows the guilt and manipulation he faces to earn his place back in the family after his disloyalty so has decided to put it off while they blame you for his cowardly disappearance.
You're right to be worried about them trying to get him to leave you because to her you've stolen her son and she wants him back.
I'd also bet he hasn't stopped making an effort to see them he just never has made an effort to see them and it's just that you stopped making the effort so it doesn't happen much anymore and he's happy for them to blame you while he hides behind you.

Longdueachange · 15/07/2024 13:02

It sounds as though he has gone from letting himself be controlled by his family to letting himself be controlled by you. It sounds as though he is quite passive and it was perhaps easier to go low contact with his family than risk leaking information. Telling him not to share information with his immediate family would be a red flag to me btw, although I understand why you did it. He needs to find himself and his own voice.

anchoviesanchovies · 15/07/2024 13:02

Based on your update I would say you’re not in the wrong. It’s a difficult one in terms of how to deal with his family without cutting them off.

Izzynohopanda · 15/07/2024 13:04

Doesn’t sound controlling to me. You’re not preventing him from seeing his family, but just putting in boundaries .

Kelly51 · 15/07/2024 13:14

I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.
Let? he doesn't need you to let him do anything.
For you to say you've not had to answer to anyone yet have dictated your DHs relationship with his family is shocking.

5128gap · 15/07/2024 13:20

You sound like you have a tendancy to control, as do many of us, but that you've excercised it primarily because your husband is a complete wet lettuce, unable to decide anything for himself, too lazy to steer his own life and content to be a passive reed in the wind.
You and his family wanted different things and have both attempted to influence him in your favour. You, being his best bet as the provider of his home and comfort have won the rather disappointing prize.
I wouldn't feel guilty about it, its on him if he's allowed this. I would however be cautious, because with a man like him, you are only winning while you remain his best bet and favoured option. If he's that suggestible, you should watch out for who might be influencing him next.

Escapetheinescapable · 15/07/2024 13:23

I couldn't stay with a man with no backbone, why hasn't he put boundaries in place?

It's definitely a difficult one because I want to say leave him and his family to it but then what?
He goes back to mummy and spends the rest of his life doing as he's told and if he meets someone else they will run a mile too.

I'd continue with the no contact and if he chooses to do the same - not your problem but probably best.
Enmeshed families are not healthy and you're right to remove yourself from this toxic set up but with that comes consequences.
For example was he expecting inheritance?
And it sounds like he is becoming estranged from his entire family because he's not following his mums wishes. That's where it gets tricky because he's going to lose a lot of people and may be resentful.

Original poster

bigminime · 15/07/2024 13:28

Kelly51 · 15/07/2024 13:14

I said let him go, as in leave him.

OP posts:

NewDay00 · 15/07/2024 13:45

I think you can't have it both ways. As in stop back, but then don't like him going there in case they get in his head. That's all not normal behaviour and is controlling. But you are fine to step back, he shouldn't be feeling stuck in the middle. You do you and he does him, and if that doesn't work you are not compatible.

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