Am I controlling?

[bigminime]

Dh and I are both quiet by nature unlike dh family who are loud and pushy and can be quite persuasive.
I never felt like I had a voice with his family or even with dh if and we discussed anything and made plans they'd soon be pushed aside when his family had other suggestions.
I decided a couple of years ago not to go along with what his family were doing and keep myself to myself and asked dh not to share too much of our personal lives because his thoughts would often change as they talked him in or out of things after we'd agreed between ourselves.
Dh doesn't see much of them now and I know it's because of arguments with him always trying to please his family and please me and in the end I think he felt he had to choose although that was never truly the case, more that he was fed up being stuck in the middle.
Dh has never been much of a decision maker and likes to go with the flow but I feel like he'll agree with me if they aren't involved or them otherwise.

I suppose I felt as if they stepped on my toes and I'm used to my independence and felt a bit stifled.
Now there isn't any real relationship between dh and his family and I suppose I'm responsible for that even though dh says he doesn't mind or could see them if he wanted but doesn't bother these days.
I feel a lot of guilt and as much as I'd like to put things right I can't go back to being constantly undermined either.
All I said was I didn't want to be involved with them and he's not seen them either because for very obvious reasons they don't like me now and want to see him without me which I do worry about because I know they'll try and persuade him to leave and I think he knows this and that's why he stays away.
I thought getting away from them would make me happier but living with this guilty feeling is even worse.
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.
I used to think how controlling they were and it was unbearable but now I'm wondering if I've been just as controlling?

That's entirely different scenario.

Your mum is toxic - same as mine.

The husbands family aren't toxic - they're a normal family getting involved in normal family life - OP doesn't like that and only her opinion goes.

Sometimes the toxic relationship is the MIL (and possibly a toxic family culture there). Sometimes the son is staying away to keep the peace his mother always disturbs.

One of the things I did wrong early in marriage was try to promote the relationship with DH's family because I was idealistic and felt we should have a relationship with them. I should have let him lead there more.

Recently we learned my MIL is very sick. I talked to DH about how he'd feel if she died and things were as they are and encouraged him to think about it. Just because I didn't want him to have any regrets if she died. He called her and she hung up on him before a minute had passed. I feel terrible that happened and DH had to deal with it but it has at least proven that she hasn't changed.

With respect, I have been in a highly toxic, abusive relationship in the past. I am sorry that also happened to you. I think you might be projecting a little. But possibly I am too, because my mother is that mother who never likes anyone I have a relationship with, and my MIL has similar tendencies.

OP is allowed to have boundaries when her in laws are even getting in the conversation about baby names and her husband tries to change his mind on a mutual agreed name because his mum doesn't approve! It's too much. The toxic relationship isn't always the romantic partnership - sometimes it is in the birth family dynamic.

This is a complex situation. It appears that your DH struggles to articulate his own needs ands seeks dynamics where he plays the role of the people pleaser without asserting anything for himself. He pla this role in his family and it appears he is now playing this role with you.

I believe that it was not your wish to isolate him from his family but he has chosen the path of least resistance.

I wouldn’t feel responsible for isolating him from his family. But maybe you might want to encourage him to explore what he actually wants in life himself and make it clear that he is entitled to his own wants and needs and this would include seeing more of his family of this is what he chose. There’s a good chance he doesn’t want to change the dynamic anyway tbh.

I think the first issue here is that your husband isn't strong enough. He's obviously easily influenced and a people-pleaser which impacts on your relationship when he makes you join in with his people-pleasing as this isn't your way.

I think that if he has decided that he values your relationship above all else, then it is fine that he chooses to not see his family. This is his issue, not yours. He needs to work on his strength of character. Although I would say, at the moment, you don't really know who he is...because of his people-pleasing tendencies.

We arrange and book to go somewhere for lunch and then invite one of them, they say somewhere else and we end up going there.

This is where you should stand up and say you have booked the other place and they're welcome to come if they wish but you're not changing plans to suit them.
If this happens again decline to go to the place they change on the basis you are dining at such a place and don't plan on going to different such a place.
If dh is hell bent on pleasing them, leave them to it and don't invite them next time.

You've asserted your boundaries and he's actually done nothing at all, he hasn't cut contact but he hasn't gone to see them, he's stayed firmly out of it in fact he probably hasn't given it any head space at all or perhaps because his wife isn't welcome he sees you as a package and they sound like people who create a lot of drama and you've said yourself and dh are quiet and introverted.

You haven't given him an ultimatum - they have, what kind of family asks to see him but not to bring his wife? Presumably there's a child as you picked out a baby name so is he expected to take baby to visit people who exclude his wife?

I'm like you in the privacy sense, I don't over share and I keep myself to myself.
I'm close to my own family but we don't put one another on the spot and demand to know the ins and outs of each other's lives especially if one is not comfortable.
I hate interfering busybodies and would run a mile in your shoes. However I wouldn't have married a man with such an entwined family and then decided it wasn't for me.
There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries for yourself and that includes how much you care to share with other people who have strong opinions or are judgy so I can see why you'd naturally recoil.
If you've given it 20 years and still feel the negative impact of their involvement then I agree you've done right removing yourself, if you're husband by his 40s chooses to stand by his family (you and his child) and concentrate on your future then that's his choice, it doesn't sound like he's burnt any bridges but your name is probably mud so why would you have anything to do with people that feel that way, you shouldn't have to beg to be in peoples lives and it sounds like their choice to end their connection with you.

Absolutely. My mother is a narcissist who freely admits she never wanted a girl and dotes on my brother - I cut her out of my life.

People are missing what's written in the original post - dh isn't seeing his family because of the arguments it causes with OP - him seeing family shouldn't cause an argument - he's choosing not to go because of the reactions later. That IS control. As soon as you stop doing things you enjoy to please your partner, is the first sign of a controlled relationship.

It was only when I was away from my ex that I could see it was friends, family, financial control - all done very slyly so you don't see it.

This is what I see from the original post.

I have a similar situation. With my DH.. family was everything to him and he ran around after his siblings and their children yet it was never reciprocated!

I never stopped him but made him aware and things stopped... as soon as his siblings stopped being able to boss him about.. I was blamed and called controlling.

Even to the point that they even tried to break us up with stories and lies.. and to be fair DH stepped in and challenged them.

I decided I didn't want anymore to do with them but never once stopped him. He's the one who doesn't make an effort with them and because he doesn't try.. they don't!

I know they blame me! But I don't think they really realise what they are blaming me for? I'm called controlling... I don't control my DH he makes his own decisions... if they were honest with themselves they blame me for opening his eyes!

I can live with that

I wouldn't want to be with someone so easily swayed.
He stays away because if he sees them they might persuade him to leave you?
I would encourage him to see them and help him pack if he wants to leave.
Wet men are so unattractive.

I don't think you are controlling, it sounds like they inlaws have tried to control you through a weak/easily influenced DH, which you have understandably rejected.

I think what bothers me reading this is you refer to your different upbringing and how your family live more independently from one another as if that's right and your In-laws are wrong, they're not wrong, they may seem overbearing if you're not used to that family environment but they're just different to yours.
You speak as if your family are satisfactory so I suspect they have a lot of involvement with the grandchildren but the in-laws don't seem to know their place so they no longer have one.
I've seen this many times, matriarch mothers are hard work and do have a need to be at the centre of everything and from the sounds of it by the rest of the family going along with it, she's at the heart of the family and is used to organising everything and feels overshadowed, probably why she wants to exclude you and see ds and gc without you. Usually when there's conflict with a mil like this it will involve the whole family.
I don't think this will be resolved without family counselling because your ideas of family are too far on opposite spectrums.

I think accepting a partner's family is part of what we do when we marry.

If they're difficult and challenging- well that's probably 70% of in laws.

My SIL is a crazy assed, narcissistic, pain in the ass drunk, show off (I could go on) she drives me mad but - she would do anything for my kids at the drop of a hat. I love her despite how obnoxious she can be! We still have a laugh.

Families are tough.

Ideally it is an act of generosity to our up with them a limited number of times a year for your partner's sake - keep it to things you can manage - then he needn't give them up. Pick your gatherings and be as generous as you can.

I think you are likely to gain more in the long run then dividing a family- just my opinion but I often think I gain when DH gains overall

Some of these answers are so far fetched.

If your own mil invited your dh to visit but on the condition he came without you would your husband actually say ok then and trot off round with your children leaving you out?
I very much doubt most husbands would do that.

If this dh was a daughter she'd be pointed in the direction of the stately home's board.
His mother sounds every bit the classic narcissist but because she's backed up by the rest of the family and gaslighting op she's now even believing she's at fault.
No controlling abusive person I know go on public forums anonymously worried if they are being unreasonable.

i remember a conversation with a counsellor recently where i was discussing some family issues i had, i didn't realise that 2 of my siblins were narcissists and i asked her 'am i a narcissist' and her answer was... 'narcissists wouldnt ask that question because it would be so far fetched for them to even consider it... no you are not a narcissist'

I agree with a lot of posters on here that the main problem is that your husband is totally passive and has no backbone.

Unless there’s a back story what you did doesn’t sound particularly controlling and it’s quite reasonable to not want personal information in a marriage shared with the whole extended family. In a healthy relationship between two people who are able to stand their ground that sort of pushback would be taken on board without the need to alienate his entire family.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a textbook example of a syndrome you see with blokes who just swap their mum for their wife and blow wherever the wind takes them. A bloke who has been pushed around by his mum is particularly susceptible to being pushed around by his wife.

I would really struggle to respect a man like that.

They absolutely are toxic. They wanted to interfere with and control what they named their baby, ffs. That is not at all normal.

You’re projecting.

No, sorry, I don't have to accept a family where my SIL tries to break us up because she doesn't want to share her brother and isn't nice to me because of it (her own words and admission). I also don't have to accept a MIL who scapegoats me and refuses to recognise my house is not an extension of hers and she is not the boss of my branch of the family. We don't have to accept abuse for the sake of family.

I don't think this will be resolved without family counselling because your ideas of family are too far on opposite spectrums.

But the in-laws don't want a relationship with op and op doesn't want a relationship with them, that ship has sailed.
It's the husband that needs counselling but he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it so it's a non issue.
Pointless thread really.

I did it, I had to for my sanity, my in-laws were very overbearing, it was their way or the highway so we chose the highway.
We've given them chances from time to time to meet and talk, see the grandchildren but each time it's had to be on their terms or not at all so it's been not at all.
Sometimes you just have to walk away from people like that, they don't change, they're so stubborn they'd rather loose all contact than back down and then they complain to everyone else that you don't let them see their grandchildren and guess who's the bad guy?

Contentsolitudinarian

I didn't mean under any circumstances to stay in touch - certainly not.

It's just difficult challenging people are part of life - but abusive is a different matter absolutely.

I mean my SIL is fantastically annoying but bearable because I love the family - but in-laws are always loved at some cost - but I mean within reason absolutely

His family are horrible to you. He knows that, and has chosen to side with you.

That's not you being controlling, that's him having your back.

Controlling yes and manipulative. The sentence you wrote is classic:
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.

I think if one partner is passive and indecisive they force the other person to be in control, whether they want to or not, which suits some people but puts crippling responsibility on the others and in time it may be seen as controlling to an outsider. If his family are used to controlling him they will resent a new controller.

I think your DH has issues, maybe counselling would help him whether alone or as a couple. He needs to grow up and learn his own mind. I also think you may need to encourage him to build bridges with his family, he should never have had to choose. Maybe you need to reach out too, they can't all be equally controlling, there must be someone you can relate to and start by inviting them over or meeting up. Ignore the ring leader, that will be too hard to start with.