Am I controlling?

[bigminime]

Dh and I are both quiet by nature unlike dh family who are loud and pushy and can be quite persuasive.
I never felt like I had a voice with his family or even with dh if and we discussed anything and made plans they'd soon be pushed aside when his family had other suggestions.
I decided a couple of years ago not to go along with what his family were doing and keep myself to myself and asked dh not to share too much of our personal lives because his thoughts would often change as they talked him in or out of things after we'd agreed between ourselves.
Dh doesn't see much of them now and I know it's because of arguments with him always trying to please his family and please me and in the end I think he felt he had to choose although that was never truly the case, more that he was fed up being stuck in the middle.
Dh has never been much of a decision maker and likes to go with the flow but I feel like he'll agree with me if they aren't involved or them otherwise.

I suppose I felt as if they stepped on my toes and I'm used to my independence and felt a bit stifled.
Now there isn't any real relationship between dh and his family and I suppose I'm responsible for that even though dh says he doesn't mind or could see them if he wanted but doesn't bother these days.
I feel a lot of guilt and as much as I'd like to put things right I can't go back to being constantly undermined either.
All I said was I didn't want to be involved with them and he's not seen them either because for very obvious reasons they don't like me now and want to see him without me which I do worry about because I know they'll try and persuade him to leave and I think he knows this and that's why he stays away.
I thought getting away from them would make me happier but living with this guilty feeling is even worse.
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.
I used to think how controlling they were and it was unbearable but now I'm wondering if I've been just as controlling?

My friends who have been controlled a lot by a parent have tended to get together with controlling partners, presumably because that is what they are used to. I have no idea if you are controlling or not. Maybe you are and he doesn’t mind but it does put a lot of responsibility on you.

You are controlling.

You've made him 'choose' not to see his family as he knows if he does it'll cause an argument with you - that's coercive control.

He will see through it eventually. It took me 18 years to see through my ex husband and another 5 years to actually leave.

I'm now the happiest I've ever been.

Reading between the lines, I suspect the answer is yes.

This.

Him not seeing his family to attempt to keep the peace with you is a direct result of your actions.

Also, trying to police what he speaks to his family about is fucked up, and I’m not overly surprised they’re not a fan of you if he’s made them aware.

You've made a decision to cut out narcissistic, controlling behaviour from your life.
You didn't ask your husband stop contact with his family, the fact that he has perhaps suggests he was ready to break away.
Nothing wrong with putting boundaries in place, I wouldn't want the minutiae of my life discussed with my in laws either (nothing stopping him discussing his life with them).
He's a grown man, don't take responsibility for his decisions.

But it's because of the op he may have felt forced into it.

Why can't your partner talk to his family about your life? He may change his mind on things because he gets a different point of view from them, you have isolated him from his family have you done the same with his friends?

Exactly my thoughts. He’s isolated himself from his family because of your feelings about them. I would really struggle with this, knowing I’m responsible for a child not having a relationship with his parents. Could be you one day if a son of yours had a DIL who cut you off. I’d be encouraging him to rebuild, his parents won’t be around forever and he will regret this choice any day. It’s easy to say you’ve told him to see them etc, but he’s clearly worried about your response or he would do it, given he’s been close to them in the past. This happens a lot where son’s cut off their family, and it’s why the old saying comes from ‘a daughter is a daughter all your life, a son is a son until he gets a wife’.

Agreed with this

He clearly loves you given the choice he has made, but he probably thinks you will leave him if he does see them, given you have said you should let him go/leave.

Replies on here are ridiculous.

No you are not responsible for DH's relationship with his family.

The problem is rooted in his inability to prioritise your relationship and draw boundaries around it.

It's a big problem if you make decisions as a couple and then he changes his mind every time his mum says something different.

To be honest, he sounds like a bit of a weak character.

OP is only coming across as controlling because she has a spineless DP. Seriously, now - do we all think it is reasonable that his family feel entitled to push for a different baby name a week after it has been born? The family sound bonkers. Did the DP respond in a reasonable way and shut them down? Nope.

He sounds lazy. It's as if having an opinion (and a spine) requires too much effort and so he's decided to mindlessly follow OP and make her the bad guy.

they don't like me now and want to see him without me

My husband would never visit his family again if they said this.
He's putting his wife first as they've made an unreasonable ultimatum regarding his wife.

You're in control of you and you're entitled to make the decision to cut disrespectful and toxic people out of your life.
What your husband does is up to him but maybe he's opened his eyes now and seen his family enmeshed from the outside and taken a step back.
I would imagine he has just broken free from a lifetime of a narcissistic upbringing and has probably been here with many previous girlfriends enough to realise his mum will never let him go unless he walks away.

This.
he is a grown man! I can understand you not wanting private things shared with family. I hate it when people spill all the issues and then expect everyone to sit at Sunday lunch. That is unhealthy imo. They have too much to say and so you have asked him to limit what he says to avoid conflict. That is sensible , not controlling.

Nah, he's just seeking his own comfort most likely. My DH is like this. He can talk to his mother about an issue that needs to be addressed (and could be quite easily) or he can stay comfortable and avoid raising the topic. How do you avoid the topic? You stay away from the person you're having the issue with. It's really quite spineless. (And no, I don't think my DH is spineless, but when it comes to this sort of thing, he actually is). Who raised him to be that way instead of teaching him how to negotiate or handle conflict?

I can actually see why he was so averse to talking to his mother about anything. He finally got the courage to talk to ask her to call before she came over and she went off on a rant and told him she was cutting him out of her life. MIL of course blames me but it was her decision and their inability to communicate that led to it. In the months after many people commented on how much more relaxed my DH seemed. He's never been happier.

Sounds like he's finally cut the apron strings and is venturing into life and his family don't approve.
Good for him.

I don’t know whether this is true, but I do think he married his mother- someone strong who knows her own mind, is used to getting her own way, and active about make the environment one where she will get her own way.

Is OP controlling? yes, she would tend to that way of behaviour.

OP, how does the conversation go if your husband disagrees with you. Does he ever say that he thinks you are plain wrong.

He's in his 40s and terrified of his mums disapproval??
What attracted you to this mummy's boy and why are you still after 20 years playing tug of wool with his mum?

Adults are responsible for their own decisions, including decisions about relationships with in- laws and their own family.
I don't think that you should feel guilty, you decided to keep your distance from your husband's family and he did similar.
It's hard to deal with overbearing people if you're naturally quiet and introverted yourself.
Your husband can still make changes as far as his family is concerned.

Exactly. Did he enjoy having 2 woman fight over him and him being the prize in the middle, seems op has given up the fight and walked away and he's stood by her.

There is nothing wrong with knowing your own mind when it includes things like how you choose to parent or run your household, even if it is counter to MIL's ideas of how she would like someone to run their household or parent their kids to suit her, or her vision of grandparenting. She had her turn to decide those things for her own household. Now it's someone else's turn for their own household. If MIL's are so inflexible they are going to make life difficult if they aren't the centre of their child's family over and above his wife, then they are going to have trouble.

I'm a man and I was once the husband in this situation so I'll give you my view.

I met a girl when I was younger who I liked a lot and she couldn't stand my mum so wanted nothing to do with her, this upset my mum so I broke up with her through guilt.
I met someone else and the same thing happened, she couldn't stand my mums interfering which made things awkward so I broke up with her.
My mum would always convince me that I could do better.
After about 10 failed attempts at finding someone who would accept and respect my mum and failing miserably I started to realise it wasn't everyone else that was the problem.
So I moved away from my family, met the love of my life and lived happily ever after, that was until the birth of my son when my guilt got the better of me and I decided to visit mum who I heard had not been well, I decided to try and make peace before it was too late.
She'd never met my wife who was keen to meet her with our son.
My wife went to greet my mum with a smile and open arms and she coldly shook her hand before telling me I could do much better.
I knew then I'd done the right thing and walked away with no regrets.

No you're not controlling op and I say that as someone who knows a controlling woman when I see one, maybe because I grew up with one.

My advice, let your husband take the lead here and if he has left his family in the past, there's a reason and it wasn't easy so support him with whatever he does but make your own decisions regarding who you'll make contact with.
If he only wants to make contact if you organise it and go, he doesn't want to make contact.

@bigminime
I have said I should let him go but he doesn't want that.

So you're also making him beg/feel guilty for towards you so you don't leave him?

You've never been in a toxic relationship have you?

I have. 22 years I was married to a covert narcissist.

The second you do things to keep the peace at home is a red flag.

Sadly it's so subtle that you can't see it.

Chances are they'll be friends too that he no longer sees too - and other things to save arguments.

Maybe money can't be spent on certain things - only op knows and unlikely to admit it.

Honestly unless you've lived with it (truly and not just someone who isn't right for you) you've no idea how bad it is.

The family sounds absolutely toxic. You don't need that in your life, nobody does.
You have every right to choose who you will and won't have influence your life and put your happiness first.
And of course you're entitled to privacy even if that means asking your spouse not to discuss private family matters with other family, just because your married to him doesn't mean they get to be privy to your private life, you're in your 40s not teens so not unreasonable in the circumstances.
Stick to your guns regarding low contact and if dh doesn't bother with them either very often that's not your concern.
I'd never pry and intrude on my children's lives.