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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have no friends and I'm lonely

65 replies

Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:04

Hi I'm in my 50s and up until about 5 years ago, I had a massive friendship group and I was always at the centre of our socials..going to gigs, festivals, nights out, meals etc.
Then this new girl joined our group and we became really good friends. After about a year she falsely accused me of having an affair with her husband and everyone took her side. Everyone fell out with me and I suddenly didn't have a single friend. Later she admitted she lied but my ex friends remained her friends and all I saw on social media were the numerous parties etc they were all having. Even when I bumped into any of these friends they admitted they were wrong to support her but I was never invited back into the fold. I am now in a lovely relationship and we go out regularly together but I still have not managed to make any friends and I'm lonely. My ex friends still speak to me when they see me but that's about it. I was absolutely devastated when it happened and I still think I must have been a truly awful person for them to react to the situation the way they did. Not quite sure what responses i want but I have just seen all of my ex friends including my accuser at a local festival together looking like they are having a wonderful time and I'm at home with not a single person to contact as I've struggled to make friends since it happened all those years ago.

OP posts:
FuckingFreezing · 14/07/2024 20:12

Fuck the lot of them OP you are better off without disloyal people x

Thatcat · 14/07/2024 20:14

They sound like a bunch of hairy mean girls. It seems so odd that they would take her side and ostracise you, even by after she admitted she was lying. Is there anything else that went on?

They weren’t really friends were they, OP? Even if they invite you back to the fold, you’ll know they’re not friends.

You’re just going to have to put yourself out there and make new friends. Join a class, a club, a hobby group… there’s lots of people out there looking for connection.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:14

FuckingFreezing · 14/07/2024 20:12

Fuck the lot of them OP you are better off without disloyal people x

Thank you, I do try to tell myself that x

OP posts:
Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:17

Thatcat · 14/07/2024 20:14

They sound like a bunch of hairy mean girls. It seems so odd that they would take her side and ostracise you, even by after she admitted she was lying. Is there anything else that went on?

They weren’t really friends were they, OP? Even if they invite you back to the fold, you’ll know they’re not friends.

You’re just going to have to put yourself out there and make new friends. Join a class, a club, a hobby group… there’s lots of people out there looking for connection.

Edited

I can't think of anything else. I did wonder if the girl who accused me was jealous that I had so many friends and she didn't...well they're her friends now, not mine so she got them in the end

OP posts:
DrSalome · 14/07/2024 20:18

That's awful 😥 Really traumatic.

NessasBoots · 14/07/2024 20:21

They're not worth having as friends, op.
They must have felt bad when they realised they'd picked the wrong version of events, but weren't good or classy enough to apologise and make amends correctly.
You need to move on and up.

Arielsmummy · 14/07/2024 20:21

Can you join some groups maybe, book club, gym? A class?
Something that gets you out and in places to meet new people.
Do you still work?
Walking club

I think it's horrible what happened to you but agree with other posters, they clearly weren't really your friends....so try tactics to make new friends. Good luck

Stoptherideiwanttogetoff24 · 14/07/2024 20:21

Genuinely think all the lonely people on mumsnet should meet up everyone sounds really lovely who say they don’t have friends much nicer than the ones who have abandoned them

Thatcat · 14/07/2024 20:22

Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:17

I can't think of anything else. I did wonder if the girl who accused me was jealous that I had so many friends and she didn't...well they're her friends now, not mine so she got them in the end

Show quote history

Good luck to her. She’ll accuse one of them of something else soon and it will all fall in on itself. Sorry OP, they sound like a bunch of awful people.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:23

DrSalome · 14/07/2024 20:18

That's awful 😥 Really traumatic.

I had to stay off work a while on the sick. I could barely leave the house for weeks in case I bumped into any of them. I was mortified that I meant so little to these people who I thought would take a bullet for me

OP posts:
Stoptherideiwanttogetoff24 · 14/07/2024 20:24

Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:23

I had to stay off work a while on the sick. I could barely leave the house for weeks in case I bumped into any of them. I was mortified that I meant so little to these people who I thought would take a bullet for me

Show quote history

I really hate people sometimes :(

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:25

Thank you all for your kind replies. I am still working and I tend to keep myself to myself now. I do get angry sometimes that even though people knew she lied, they forgave her but not me, who didn't do anything. I can't fathom it and really don't understand why it happened

OP posts:
TheSerenePinkOrca · 14/07/2024 20:26

Well short of getting a voodoo doll and stabbing pins into it, you have to believe in karma and one day she'll get what she deserves.

Perhaps the friends are too embarrassed that they sided with the liar so feel too awkward to make amends?

Have you actually ever asked one of them why they sided with this other woman and why when she admitted to lying they chose her over you?

I'd maybe use this chance to go out and make some new friends. Join a rock choir or something!

Stoptherideiwanttogetoff24 · 14/07/2024 20:28

Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 20:25

Thank you all for your kind replies. I am still working and I tend to keep myself to myself now. I do get angry sometimes that even though people knew she lied, they forgave her but not me, who didn't do anything. I can't fathom it and really don't understand why it happened

Guilt can make people avoid you there’s nothing that people hate more than feeling bad. Knowing how badly they treated you will make them feel guilty and avoid you as they can’t face admitting they did something wrong

they have no spine or character

spiderlight · 14/07/2024 20:31

That sounds like such a horrible experience - some people never quite leave the schoolyard mentality behind, do they? So sorry they put you through it. Sounds as if the new person was jealous of your popularity and saw you as a threat. You're obviously a fun person to be around, so take a deep breath and put yourself out there to spread that sunshine and make new friends. A choir, a running club, cold-water swimming - these are all activities where people I know have made fantastic new friendship groups.

Eadfrith · 14/07/2024 20:31

It sounds like one bad egg ruined the group dynamic, but then I also question how they could be your good friends and abandon you like that. They obviously weren’t meant to be long term friends in the first place. If I knew how to make friends as an adult I’d suggest a few things but I’m pretty much without any close friends too. If you’re feeling lonely it might be worth exploring some hobbies and finding some group activities out there, like gardening or walking to meet some other people and potentially make friends, but if you were used to going to festivals etc then maybe that’s not your scene.

Greenlittecat · 14/07/2024 20:32

God what an absolute bitch.

I'm so sorry that's such an awful thing to happen. I'm not suprised you are traumatised.

It's so hard to make friends as adults, especially after such a nasty thing happened to you.

Sending you lots of love ❤️

FuckingFreezing · 14/07/2024 20:41

Where are you based OP?

Sillystrumpet · 14/07/2024 20:45

Did she do 9t out of spite or did she genuinely think you were?

Clarice99 · 14/07/2024 20:46

That must have been so traumatic for you @Tooshyshy123 I'm so sorry you had to go through such a horrible experience.

You certainly found out the hard way that none of those women were your friend. I sincerely hope that you don't sell yourself short by trying to 'get back in' with such a nasty crowd. They should have apologised when they found out that the other woman lied. It says a lot about them that they didn't apologise. 😡

I hope you find new friends, ones who value you and your friendship.

Yousaidwhatagain · 14/07/2024 20:49

If they believed her so readily even though knowing you first, then they were not your friends op and she did you a favour. Block the lot of them. Sometimes in life we can't move on because we are stuck in the past. Cut these so called friends out and make space for new ones.

Regalia · 14/07/2024 20:55

Eadfrith · 14/07/2024 20:31

It sounds like one bad egg ruined the group dynamic, but then I also question how they could be your good friends and abandon you like that. They obviously weren’t meant to be long term friends in the first place. If I knew how to make friends as an adult I’d suggest a few things but I’m pretty much without any close friends too. If you’re feeling lonely it might be worth exploring some hobbies and finding some group activities out there, like gardening or walking to meet some other people and potentially make friends, but if you were used to going to festivals etc then maybe that’s not your scene.

Yes. ‘Really good friends’ aren’t going to arbitrarily believe you’re shagging the DH of a comparatively new group member, on no evidence. I don’t think that a ‘massive friendship group’ that socialised and messaged a lot necessarily equates to actual friends, just people who socialise in the same gang.

Regalia · 14/07/2024 20:55

But it sounds like a traumatic experience, OP.

runningpram · 14/07/2024 20:58

That is so horrible. I am really sorry. It is so traumatic.

When I was 13 my best friends not only dropped me but turned lots of the school year against me, making up false stories ans unleashing some really awful sexual bullying from a group of boys. I spent the remainder of my school career really isolated. I still had a small group of other friends (thankfully!) but I ended missing on so much of the typical teen girl stuff, no prom, no boyfriends or anything else.

I rebuilt my confidence and made great friends at university but my experience has stayed with me years later. One of my former friends keeps making overtures over social media. It is clear they have no memory of the trauma they caused.

To sum up, whatever age this happens it’s equally awful.

My only thought is that people in the wider group (not the horrid lady) don’t realise how this has hurt you or are in denial or feel it’s too awkward to reach out.

So, only if you feel up to it, perhaps it’s worth reaching out one time to make the first move and see what happens. If they don’t reciprocate call it a day and get closure. You’re too good for them.

Original poster
Tooshyshy123 · 14/07/2024 21:13

Sillystrumpet · 14/07/2024 20:45

Did she do 9t out of spite or did she genuinely think you were?

Out of spite I think. I barely knew her husband so there was no way she ccould genuinely think that. He was also angry at her for making those claims as obviously it implicated him too. Of course he got over it and they are still together

OP posts:
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