I have no friends and I'm lonely

[Tooshyshy123]

Hi I'm in my 50s and up until about 5 years ago, I had a massive friendship group and I was always at the centre of our socials..going to gigs, festivals, nights out, meals etc.
Then this new girl joined our group and we became really good friends. After about a year she falsely accused me of having an affair with her husband and everyone took her side. Everyone fell out with me and I suddenly didn't have a single friend. Later she admitted she lied but my ex friends remained her friends and all I saw on social media were the numerous parties etc they were all having. Even when I bumped into any of these friends they admitted they were wrong to support her but I was never invited back into the fold. I am now in a lovely relationship and we go out regularly together but I still have not managed to make any friends and I'm lonely. My ex friends still speak to me when they see me but that's about it. I was absolutely devastated when it happened and I still think I must have been a truly awful person for them to react to the situation the way they did. Not quite sure what responses i want but I have just seen all of my ex friends including my accuser at a local festival together looking like they are having a wonderful time and I'm at home with not a single person to contact as I've struggled to make friends since it happened all those years ago.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Very similar happened to me in early secondary school too.

A girl I was good friends with made up a rumour I had been fingered by her boyfriend (we were 12!!!) And I lost pretty much everyone/ the year decided I was the school bike so had lots of comments. I'd never even kissed a boy by this stage, let alone anything else!

Eventually it all came out the girl had lied so technically I "won" but I was never the same. I put on a brave face and pretended to be friends with some of them again as I was so lonely but inside I was dying. I have some trust issues surrounding friendships because of it.

The girl messaged me recently to "catchup" and it brought all the feelings back.

It's just horrible ❤️

This woman has no real friends and your old friends aren’t friends either. Yes, they hang out and ‘look’ like they are having a great time but that’s it. That’s not friendship.
Shame on her for lying about you - how insecure she must be to discredit you.
But far more shame on your previous friends for believing her, and then sticking with her when they knew she had lied.
Women within this group can now turn on each other in a moment - it’s all built on quicksand. One of them only has to make a ‘wrong’ move and she will be iced out.
You have been through all of this and value true friendship. It is never too late to make new friends either. One is great, and a handful more than enough.
Fairweather friends are there for good times but when it comes to major life events like illness or bereavement they are nowhere to be seen.
As for this group, well, I’m sure there will be a fresh target practice soon - and luckily you are now well out of range!
And if they are looking for a group event maybe they should go and see the new Mean Girls musical - they’d fit right in….

Same. Some people can be cruel. Sorry you went through that OP.

That’s awful. I’m sorry 😞. I do think they aren’t worthy of your friendship if they believed her and left you out in the cold. You deserve better. Have you told any of them how hurt you are? I agree with pp that people avoid you when they feel guilty although would you even want to be friends with them anymore. The fact they still spend time with her speaks volumes about their own character.

I know it’s a bit cliche but are there any groups you can join? Or volunteer? It’s hard making friends. I joined an outdoor fitness class recently and met a lovely bunch of people. Meets a few times a week so get exercise and time to chat to people. They organise nights out every so often.

what you went through was really upsetting. Also maybe worthwhile having some counselling (if you felt like you would benefit from it).

Lots of love to you xxx

Gosh OP that's awful. Sorry you have been through this. And as for your so called 'friends' , they are not worth it. Do you have any interests/ hobbies?. Maybe we could come up with some suggestions for you x

^ This. You are better than them. They are no-one's friends. Mean and shallow little bunch.

Thank you for sharing. It’s so horrible and the impact on your sense of self at such a formative stage is huge. I hope you get some closure.

Op - I am sure you will find some great friends soon.

Sorry OP, that sounds awful. I would surmise that for some reason the group didn't mind your absence - maybe you were a very strong character and your space let others come out more? People are in general fairly self centred at heart, if they were genuinely your friends they wouldn't have dumped you in the first place let alone leaving you out even after it proved not to be true.

That or she has been insidiously blackening your name in other ways, some people really seem to enjoy manipulation and power.

That must have been so painful to go through, and shocking to discover the false nature of people you trusted. You absolutely need to start volunteering/joining clubs/reaching out in ways where you will organically meet new people.

I have to say I absolutely would not be being nice with the old friends though, I would have told them exactly how much it hurt what they did, and giving them nothing but a nod in passing in future.

Thank you 😊 you too ❤️

I've got a lovely bunch of mates now thankfully! Im

You'll find you're friends OP, it's just shitty until you find them ❤️

I’m really sorry this happened to you @Tooshyshy123. I don’t understand what would drive someone to behave in that way. They must have something seriously wrong with them to do that.

A new girl joined our school when I was 10 and we became good friends, often at each others houses, had sleepovers etc. Then she started to spread rumours about me to everyone in our year group. I lost all my friends, and they started to bully me. She was the worst. She would come up behind me and kick me or pull my hair, then run off to tell the teacher in a sweet little voice that I was bullying her so I’d be the one to get into trouble. I ended up having a breakdown and tried to kill myself. It triggered a terrible domino effect on my life as I never managed to go back to school, so I lost all of my secondary education. It crippled my self esteem and made me wary of everybody. The whole thing really fucked up my life and I wouldn’t hesitate to punch her in the face if I ever saw her again. I have no idea where she is now but I hope it’s somewhere shit.

People can be so disappointing.

My god, I am so sorry for the awful experiences that so many of you have had. What is wrong with people? I hope that everyone who has suffered at the spiteful tongues and actions of others are in a good place and wish you all good things.

OP, the correct answer to someone claiming a claiming a close friend is sleeping with their husband is "are you sure? That doesn't sound like something she would do". You really are better off without them all. All the very best to you.

I think much beyond the teenage years some "group friendships" are quite performative and keeping the "integrity" of the group becomes more important than individual relationships, thus people are dispensable. You did nothing wrong but for whatever reason, it was easier to brush off what the liar had done and carry on with the fiction of closeness and fabulous times than stand up for you. All very fake and likely to totally implode one day.

I can only imagine how hurt you are but don't let caution stand in the way of making new and better friendships, perhaps 1:1. It isn't easy, but if you find activities that really interest you, there is more chance of meeting sympatico people on your wavelength. Try to forget the people who let you down, because they don't deserve headspace.

Thank you so much for all your responses, some of you have had an absolute horrid time and I'm so sorry to read about it.
I don't know, I've spent the last 5 years wondering how this could happen, how these people could turn on me after I was there for all their traumas and dramas..I was always the one they came to. I've tortured myself with questions about why but ultimately I just don't know.
I think maybe I don't have friends now because I just don't trust anyone and think I'm probably better off on my own. It does hurt that this woman and her husband essentially stole my friends but I guess real friends can't be stolen. People eh?

@Tooshyshy123 real friends can't be stolen. You're right.

Start small. Join online groups for the things that interest you like festivals. Chat to others and build online friendships up. Then, you can start meeting folk in person and gradually build those offline relationships into deeper friendships.

Online is a safe way to connect. Some of my best mates were found on message boards or smutty fan fiction sites!

You can dip your toe in the water until you learn to trust again.

I hope you make other friends. I know it's harder at our age. I've been through something similar recently. I don't regret cutting ties but I still feel the space it left.

It sounds like a David Attenborough documentary, with the pack taking down the leader to improve their own status.

I'm sure you will find other friends. Were there any red flags in hindsight?

Hi, no there really wasn't any signs which is why I think it hit me so hard..I gave some of these people a place to stay during rocky periods of their relationships, helped out all the time but they also did the same for me.. it didn't feel.like one way traffic..it completely dented my confidence and I second guessed myself whenever I speak to someone new. It was also embarrassing as everyone knew there was a fall out and I was left alone xx

I had probably 1-2 friends in my 20s never really went out unless it was with a man, now 30s I have a few friends who like to go out, I met them on bumble they are lovely

Later she admitted she lied but my ex friends remained her friends and all I saw on social media were the numerous parties etc they were all having. Even when I bumped into any of these friends they admitted they were wrong to support her but I was never invited back into the fold.

WTAF?
I don’t understand how people’s minds work sometimes. I really don’t.

I got dropped by a friend. What happens is they come back when the chips are down. They love drama. The truth is you never forget. I know its hard but try and look on it as an opportunity for growth- to find new inspiring friends.

They're all horrible bitches. You don't need people like them. Try some new hobbies/sport/evening clas of some kind, get to meet new people.

What a bitch and those were not real friends! They should have back you up or given the benefit of doubt.
As for you. I hope you can move on and find real friends. One at the time.

That's awful, a lot of us can probably sympathize. Fwiw I don't think the others in the group were glad to see you go or whatever - it's just that they were afraid of being frozen out too.

People hate those whom they've treated badly, as it makes them feel bad about themselves. They will blame you for the debacle, not in spite of but because they themselves were in the wrong.

People are weak and will go along with poor behaviour for an easy life. I had a different situation, where I was bullied by someone in our friendship group, blatantly in front of our other friends. I though they would call him out, but no, they just went along with it. When it blew up, I was the one isolated and he continued to be part of the group, even though several people said directly to me that they thought his behaviour was horrible. It really made me look differently at them and reassess who they were. It is years ago now and I have no contact with any of them, and have new, better friends. Try to not let this put you off people, OP. There are some bad ones out there and even more weak followers. They aren't worth your time and friendship. Make an effort to meet new people, there are good ones out there.