I have no friends and I'm lonely

[Tooshyshy123]

Hi I'm in my 50s and up until about 5 years ago, I had a massive friendship group and I was always at the centre of our socials..going to gigs, festivals, nights out, meals etc.
Then this new girl joined our group and we became really good friends. After about a year she falsely accused me of having an affair with her husband and everyone took her side. Everyone fell out with me and I suddenly didn't have a single friend. Later she admitted she lied but my ex friends remained her friends and all I saw on social media were the numerous parties etc they were all having. Even when I bumped into any of these friends they admitted they were wrong to support her but I was never invited back into the fold. I am now in a lovely relationship and we go out regularly together but I still have not managed to make any friends and I'm lonely. My ex friends still speak to me when they see me but that's about it. I was absolutely devastated when it happened and I still think I must have been a truly awful person for them to react to the situation the way they did. Not quite sure what responses i want but I have just seen all of my ex friends including my accuser at a local festival together looking like they are having a wonderful time and I'm at home with not a single person to contact as I've struggled to make friends since it happened all those years ago.

It's understandably upset you very much to the point of overturning your sense of yourself as well as others and will take time to recover and rebuild yourself.

Where I live, someone started a whatsapp group and through that a few have made what are now close friends. I've also noticed a local running group. Anyone can join. They seem to run in the evenings mostly. Others meet through walking their dogs daily. Small everyday things like that can lead to friendships sometimes or at least to regular friendly contacts, which makes for a warmer neighbourhood and a feeling of a life less bleak and lonely. There are also local voluntary community activities, which can be found through the council or local networks online or otherwise.

Oh, let me at them, OP! What a pack weak people and a colossal bitch! I'd love to have a word with them 🤬

For the record I am in my 50s and am close friends with; someone I volunteered with during lockdown; a younger woman on our street who hit it off with my mum at a local music event and several people I met at Alcoholics Anonymous (although I wouldn't recommend acquiring an addiction for this purpose!) All this happened in my 40s and 50s.

I'm just saying that friends can happen all the way through life. I also know very few people who would behave like that coven you escaped ♥️

I think you should keep talking to them when you see them out. They know and you know that you did nothing wrong, you should feel no shame. The queen bee will want you to stay away, but the more you normalise being around and showing you’re comfortable in yourself, the more the awkwardness will go away.

Have you tried inviting some of them to something? There’s a risk of rejection but a chance of reconnecting. Then you’d know for sure. Maybe they’re trying to preserve their own place in the social group. It’s weak but plenty of people are so, for many reasons. I’ve definitely fawned at a queen bee in my time, before I understood life better.

Did you really lose your entire friendship group in one go?

I'd expect that, by 50, most people would have friends from different parts of their life eg old school / college friends, former colleagues / neighbours, the couple you met on holiday in 1995, your ex boyfriend's cousin, the lady you played netball with in the 1990s, people you met through mutual friends years ago and eventually formed a friendship with them independently etc

In that scenario, I realise your experience with group A would be v upsetting and I'm not minimising that, but I'd expect there would still be some other people to socialise with?

Also, as I've got older, I'm far less invested in friendships. I've come to realise that, mostly, new friendships are based on proximity and convenience. If you move away, stop going to that gym etc, most friendships end pretty quickly. So, it might help you to dial back on your expectations. I don't mean this to sound negative, BTW. It's intended to liberate you !

Gosh that sounds awful. But you have a lovely partner! More than most lonely people have. I think you’re more caught up on the hurt of these old friends. Move on.

Wow, that's really horrible. Hugs OP. Something something similar happened to me, big group of friends always out together. The main couple at the centre of everything suddenly decided to ghost me and my friend. Couldn't work out why other than me and her were quite close and power couple didn't like it. I never got invited to anywhere or spoken to again. My friend however got back in the fold. Not a very loyal friend it seems, as she didn't bother to question why I had been outed!

I agree.
Whereabouts are you op?

I have had this experience, sadly, right down to folk sagely agreeing that the person who targeted me was an awful person who had treated me dreadfully.

Like the OP, I was devastated at first but quickly realised that these people were mean girls and cowards. I lost respect for them after I came to this stunning epiphany.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry your "friends" behaved appallingly. I had a similar-ish experience about 7 years ago. I was at a house party with my group of close friends and some of their husbands / partners. One husband had far too much to drink and punched me in the back when no one was around. I obviously told my friends what happened but he denied it and for the 'sake of the friendship' group I was asked to forgive and forget. I had no witnesses and although I did have photos of bruising but they were minimised.

Clearly, because it was assault and I decided to take legal advice, I was disowned from the group and ghosted. Initially, it hurt like hell. I lost my close friends and my social circle when I needed them most. Now, having had counselling, I can accept that they really weren't my friends at all - true friends dont do that. I still see them around individually and they usually look sheepish or embarrassed and rush off! They have to live with the guilt of facilitating violence. I don't. I was fortunate enough to have a couple of friends outside the group who really stepped up. We are incredibly supportive of each other and I realise how much DRAMA and toxicity was within that group. Look up old friends, join new clubs and be proud of yourself OP..you sound like a good person .

Doesn't matter. She should have made certain of her facts before opening her mouth.

You are clearly hurt by it all and that’s understandable. Try to move forwards instead of dwelling, that way they haven’t won. It’s better to have one genuine and loyal friend than many

Guilt can make people avoid you there’s nothing that people hate more than feeling bad. Knowing how badly they treated you will make them feel guilty and avoid you as they can’t face admitting they did something wrong they have no spine or character

Bingo. Seeing you reminds them of how shittily they behaved, so it's easier just to not see you and not be reminded.

Fuck em. A shower of cowardly cunts.

Thank you op for starting this convo.
I’ve been through something similar too and it takes the ground out from your feet.
I’m just rebuilding my confidence recently after about 7 years - it’s so primal. I love some of the advice above. I just walked away in the end, looked elsewhere for emerging and old connections, and tried to make the group smaller in my mind and really take the power out of it (eg this is not about my/your character and weakness)!

What happened to me was an friend similarly accused me of something really outlandish but i couldn’t disprove it as much as I tried (think something like stealing), and then she cold-shouldered / practically ghosted me. Even though this was all 1:1 (and it felt like some others saw it as bullying and seemed to believe me), it seemed to affect all my other relationships and things just moved on in a way i didn’t expect, like I’d lost some invisible capital (respect, trustworthiness… maybe just status which I hadn’t realised was still a thing!). I’d see them on holiday without me etc and just knew it was time to move on.
it’s a horrible time but I hope this is the start of the next phase of your life and as the years go on, your wounds may heal and also bring some wisdom…

@Tooshyshy123 I've been in a minor version of your situation, and karma finally came calling. It may take a very long time but something even in a small way will usually happen to make you feel at peace with the situation.

And seriously, if you're anywhere in the North West I'm well up for meeting a brew in a nice little cafe somewhere. Have car, will travel.

What awful people. First for automatically believing her.
But worse for not welcoming you back in one the lie was revealed. The liar should be the one vilified.. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that.
You deserve better!