To think he’s not doing anything wrong by stopping maintenance?

[GumdropsAndLollipops]

My DB “Jack” has two kids with his ex “Anne”, DS8 and DD10.

Up until a year ago, Jack had the children 3 nights a week and Anne had them 4 nights a week. Jack is also a high earner and has always paid child maintenance to Anne above CM rate (as it should be).

Last year, Anne was due to have her second child with her DP and asked Jack to swap the schedule so he had their children 4 nights and she had them 3 nights instead. The court order was updated and means Jack has been the resident parent for the last year however he carried on paying maintenance to Anne at the same rate due to the fact she was on maternity leave (this was due to stop when she returned to work).

Fast forward to now and Jack recently cashed in an investment which has allowed him to pay off his mortgage and become financially secure. With this in mind, Jack has decided he would like to quit his job to spend more time with the kids and to just generally live a less busy and hectic life as without the commitment of a mortgage payment, he can live comfortably on freelance work while the kids are in school or at their mum’s.

Jack didn’t foresee any of this being a problem for Anne as the maintenance payments were due to stop anyway but she has hit the roof; saying he needs to continue the payments as not doing so would put her household into financial hardship.

Jack has it made clear that he will not be requesting any maintenance from her and that he will carry on paying for everything as before (clothes, uniform, trips, hobbies, sports etc) and has offered to have their children more, do pick ups / drop off on her days, cover all sickness absences as he won’t have a work schedule but all hell has broken loose.

As per my title, I don’t think Jack is wrong (but I’m biased as I don’t like Anne) so I thought I’d ask here in case there’s something I’m missing or have not thought about.

So, is Jack being unreasonable to quit his job and stop the voluntary maintenance payments?

I’m haven’t dug a hole at all. We just have different points of view on this. She has been entitled. It is time the money stopped. If it was my brother’s ex, I would still feel bad for her that she fucked up and I would tell him to spot paying out. Although TBH, I wouldn’t give her much thought at all.

He is not unreasonable to stop maintenance and was generous to continue it whilst he was doing the majority of nights. It would have sensible to let her know a little in advance that things were to change so she could do a bit of financial planning.

I don’t have sympathy for her not getting money. I have sympathy for her fucking her life up.

She hasn't accidentally fucked her life up, or like it's all gone wrong because of things beyond her control. She has chosen to do this.

Where am I blaming the guy who was cheated on? I have said Anne is cheeky and Jack should stop paying. I’ve said it over and over and over.

The cheating came out AFTER I had posted and I said then that my sympathy diminished. Maybe because I have no skin in the game, I feel bad for her that she fucked her life.

I know. But sometimes things don’t go as planned. Why are you so invested?

I'm not so invested I'm just trying to understand why you have so much sympathy for someone who has intentionally made these choices? And would you have the same sympathy if this was a man?

It has gone to plan. She chose to cheat and have 2 children and she's done that? She's carried out her plan.

Intentional choices can have unintentional co sequences. Yes I would have sympathy for anyone who found themselves in a mess.

I don’t have “so much” sympathy. You are over egging how much I feel about her at all.

End of side show.

Not sure why you're getting such a pile on.

I'm firmly on the dad's side and also think the ex is cheeky, but I agree women often pay the price for facilitating the man's career and just getting the minimum CM is a bit of a slap in the face.

OP has explained this isn't the case, hence Anna is a cheeky cah, but we didn't know that when you posted.

The only way in which he could be being unreasonable is if she had planned (with his agreement) to be taking on a higher percentage of the childcare after giving birth to stay at home and had planned her finances/work hours around this and he had then decided to drop days purely to avoid having to continue paying maintenance. It doesn't sound at all like that is the case, as she requested him having them more, and made it a formal arrangement, which suggests it was always planned to be long term. So I would say she could bugger off, refuse to have contact with her as she can't be reasonable, and say he'll accept her apology when she's ready. Until then no contact unless it is about their shared children, anything else can go through a lawyer. Sorry your brother is having to deal with her crap.

Anne should start paying CMS. She’s a cheeky fucker.

It’s not that I even thought she was due a share of any windfalls after the divorce settlement was worked out. She’s made a mess of things. She’s now got to re-jig her plans for life with a new baby. That’s hard. It doesn’t mean I think she’s a nice person or deserving of further support.

Do you mean other warning that a year advance (changing the number of nights and agreeing to pay for another year while she is on her maternity leave) or the current one 8 weeks in advance (which triggered this reaction)?

He hasn't even left his job yet - and maybe, just maybe, if the Ex came up with "I know it is your right, it would help me a lot if you could keep it up for another three months and I will use them to do A,B, C" she might get somewhere (I am not saying he should agree, but that he might be willing to support a sensible and specific plan, if she would present one).

you won’t get much traction with that on here. Even though the vast majority of posters think he should stop paying I don’t think you’ll get many saying she should pay him. I’m guessing they’ll say “because he’s already well off” but you very rarely get people saying a man shouldn’t pay his ex as she’s well off anyway.

She should 100% pay for her children

CMS does not factor in RPs income.

I think she should pay him. The rules are the same for everyone.

she agreed to him becoming the resident parent. Why should she pay a penny to the non resident parent? She can support herself. I say that as a single mum and resident parent

Anne does sound v unreasonable- she obviously has plans she wasn’t telling Jack about when they made earlier agreements.

Where is her current partner in all of this, re her possible plans to be a SAHM etc?

It’s taken into account in the divorce by the non working spouse getting a share of the assets they “contributed “ to by looking after the children (but did not pay for directly). In this case the children are still young and she’s not even the resident parent so no reason to think her career was so irretrievably damaged that she needed spousal maintenance forever. She wouldn’t get it anymore anyway because “Jack” has retired.

I think these claims of career facilitation are often a bit of red herring anyway. Many of these men have female colleagues who are not having their careers facilitated. Further many of those who are allegedly sacrificing their careers either didn’t have a well paid career anyway or didn’t want to continue with it.

That’s awful. I have an NRP ex who pays less than CMS rate for our two. I always remain completely civil with him in front of them and have only ever been kind about him in front of them. He’s their dad and they love him. He has many faults but he does love them and I want what’s best for dds more Than I want to stick the boot in to my ex.

I couldn’t tell you, I don’t really know much about her partner other than he’s a self employed plasterer and also has two kids from a previous relationship so he must have maintenance commitments there. I don’t know anything about their financial setup though or how much he earns (I’m assuming it’s decent though based on how much I’ve paid for plastering in the past).

I wonder if Anne has assumed that Jack will always care for her and that she could always persuade him to help her out financially, It must be a shock to realize that no, her welfare is no longer a priority to him, he’s only interested in their children.

Some narcs are like that, they think that they can say/do anything and people will always love them.

Please please tell your brother to put a CMS claim in.

She may try to cause hell. But it's all smoke and mirrors. Because she's trying to hide behind the fact she has no power.
So let her lose it, she can't do a damn thing.

My daughter’s dad doesn’t pay a penny for her and hasnt seen her in six years. This man has done more than enough and is being reasonable. Personally wish there was more Jacks around that want to see their kids.