To think he’s not doing anything wrong by stopping maintenance?

[GumdropsAndLollipops]

My DB “Jack” has two kids with his ex “Anne”, DS8 and DD10.

Up until a year ago, Jack had the children 3 nights a week and Anne had them 4 nights a week. Jack is also a high earner and has always paid child maintenance to Anne above CM rate (as it should be).

Last year, Anne was due to have her second child with her DP and asked Jack to swap the schedule so he had their children 4 nights and she had them 3 nights instead. The court order was updated and means Jack has been the resident parent for the last year however he carried on paying maintenance to Anne at the same rate due to the fact she was on maternity leave (this was due to stop when she returned to work).

Fast forward to now and Jack recently cashed in an investment which has allowed him to pay off his mortgage and become financially secure. With this in mind, Jack has decided he would like to quit his job to spend more time with the kids and to just generally live a less busy and hectic life as without the commitment of a mortgage payment, he can live comfortably on freelance work while the kids are in school or at their mum’s.

Jack didn’t foresee any of this being a problem for Anne as the maintenance payments were due to stop anyway but she has hit the roof; saying he needs to continue the payments as not doing so would put her household into financial hardship.

Jack has it made clear that he will not be requesting any maintenance from her and that he will carry on paying for everything as before (clothes, uniform, trips, hobbies, sports etc) and has offered to have their children more, do pick ups / drop off on her days, cover all sickness absences as he won’t have a work schedule but all hell has broken loose.

As per my title, I don’t think Jack is wrong (but I’m biased as I don’t like Anne) so I thought I’d ask here in case there’s something I’m missing or have not thought about.

So, is Jack being unreasonable to quit his job and stop the voluntary maintenance payments?

It is about him realising that he is in the rare position of being able to do a substantial amount to his childrens' benefit over the next ten years or so and taking that opportunity. It is about giving himself the gift of being able to look back knowing he couldn't have done more or prioritised them more.

He’s had them 3 days a week, now 4 days a week, has paid over CMS rates, covered their needs in terms of uniforms etc and continued to pay well beyond the point maintenance was due to help her maternity leave with another man’s child. He now wants to reduce his working hours to spend more time with the kids. How could he possibly prioritise them more than he has done?

Their mum reduced her time with the kids when she added to her family, having broken up their marriage by having an affair. She now has more children than she can afford in time and money. She isn’t really prioritising her own children - why should he continue to subsidise her lifestyle?

So she expects him to have their 2 children most of the week and pay maintenance to fund her 2 new children with her current DP.

Lol. No.

He is 100% not doing anything wrong, he has actually been very nice to continue paying for (her new family) for a year.

Hope he stands his ground and enjoys his new spare time with the children.

But you feel sorry for her. Why?

Even if you don't think he should pay you feel sorry for her. She's been incredibly lucky so far. What's to feel sorry about?,

I haven’t RTFT, but it makes me cross how some mums seem to think dads ‘owe’ them money just for birthing their child. They don’t get that maintenance is to support the kids. My partner has an ex like that.

it sounds like your brother has gone above and beyond to support not only his kids but his ex as well. He didn’t need to pay her a penny once he became the resident parent - in fact she should be paying him! She’s had it good financially and now the gravy train is stopping.

If he is feeling bad about it, as I imagine he would as a good dad, then he can offer to phase the payments out.

Because life obviously isn’t going great for her. I can have sympathy for her without thinking she’s right.

@StormingNorman life's going exactly as she's planned it, affairs, two families, doing off ex

But you have sympathy?

Is it not? Sounds pretty great to me. Having your ex funding your lifestyle, deciding when you fancy having your children, having your ex fund your maternity leave even though your children are someone else's. Breakdown of the marriage was her choice...

It's not great now that he's stopped paying for her, but he never ever should have been.

Fuck that treatise for doormats 🤡

All he would be teaching his children is a lesson in how to be an absolute mug.

Her financial health is her responsibility, he has zero obligation to prop up her household because of her lack of planning. As it stands he is supporting his children, whereas she is not.

Yes my DB asked for my advice and unfortunately I’ve also been on the receiving end of Anne’s anger several times as well.

As I said in my OP, Anne really hit the roof and all hell has broken loose so I’m currently the one who is running my DNs between their households (currently once a week but will be twice a week once the holidays start) so I have no choice but to deal with her (grey rocking as much as possible).

Anne is a twat. Anyone who disagrees is twat too.

Why should she be bank rolled all her life? Why doesn’t her DP support her and his children with her.

I’d be embarrassed if I was Anne and of my DP. Its pitiful.

It’s not Monopoly money though is it?

The only reason Jack can afford to be more
generous is because of his own personal sacrifice and he is not a slave to the desires and whims of another. He’s allowed to find contentment and fulfilment in his life too.

Why isn’t he going to claim maintenance from her? If it was the other way around would she let him off?

I’ve seen it said on here many times over the years that the mum could be a millionaire or at least very comfortable in life and the father should still pay.
Apart from the sex of the parents, this is no different. He’s comfortable, she’s the NRP, so why shouldn’t the mum pay for her kids?

I guess I’m just not as cold as to enjoy seeing someone be unhappy.

She sounds like she’s every reason to be happy!

Unhappy? That her ex-husband had refused to keep paying her 2 new children that aren't his?

I guess her new DP hasn't married her and might not. So she's entitled to nothing of his if they split. No wonder she is hanging on to her exes money.

Would you feel sympathy for a man in this situation? Didn't think so.

I don’t think she’s entitled to his money and don’t think he should continue paying. Christ - the haranguing being directed towards me because I expressed sympathy for someone whose life isn’t going to plan.

Isn't going to plan because of her choices. Why sympathy there.

I don't see this as particularly complicated. Anne is being unreasonable. Dad has his kids 4 days a week and is resident parent. Anne has them three days a week. Really she should be paying him maintenance not the other way round. But I could not be arsed to read all the posts so might be behind the drip feed curve.

Your DB has been absolutely fair and reasonable by the sounds of things throughout. And he's prioritising the kids which is also great
Anne sounds a nightmare

Yes I have also said repeatedly it is because of her choice. You don’t have sympathy for her I do. Why? I don’t want to see anyone unhappy. If I don’t like you, I don’t care. I don’t need to wish you bad.

I think people are wondering if you’d feel sympathy for a man who had an affair and is now the NRP and is complaining that his ex won’t pay him any more.

@StormingNorman not having sympathy for someone is not wishing bad on them.

You sound like you've dug yourself into a hole and won't admit you're wrong.

How would you feel if this was the wife of your brother, would you still have sympathy for her?

Anne seems to be expecting your DB to fund the childcare for her two other children, which is ridiculous! Her new partner needs to be stepping up to parent and support her financially. Anne is a self entitled cow. Moooooo.

Your brother sounds fab and is doing a great job of parenting and keeping up support for his own two children, and clearly paying beyond what he needs to in terms of costs associated with kids.

Why do you have so much sympathy for her? Are you her new partner who isn't pulling his weight and letting her ex husband pay to keep his two kids as well?

You realise there is another man with two children involved in this entire situation too right? But you just want to blame the guy that was cheated on by his wife, who has had 50/50 custody for the last 6 years and still paid child maintenance he had no legal obligation to pay at all and is continuing to pay for things he shouldn't need to pay fully just because he was a high earner.

No one forced this woman to cheat on her high earning husband when she had two little kids, nor now have two more if she can't afford them with another man if he or she can't provide for them.