To have blocked my disabled mums number?

[Fifteentreefrogs]

I just need moral support tbh..
It is a bit unreasonable obviously and I will be unblocking her in a day or so. I just can't cope with it right now.
There's a whole backstory and I've posted on here before and been told to cut contact. People get frustrated with me constantly posting because I don't cut contact permanently. I just can't do that tho as I'm her only child and only close relative. My dad (her husband and previous carer) is dead.
I'm alone with my 3 children over the weekend.. 2 primary aged and 5mnth old baby. My DH is away all weekend with a friend. He's just lost his grandmother who he lived with as a child. He's just gone for a 2 night break with his mate in the city.
I don't drive. My mum does not live in my town. It's vaguely walkable to her house but it's 5 miles.. I do walk there sometime to help her after the kids are in bed. But obviously can't do that at the moment as DH is away so can't leave kids alone.
My mum has lived there for a while and the issue is she can't drag her wheelchair inside over the step to charge it up. I don't understand why she hasn't bought a ramp. She's managed to get other furniture.
It's a long way for me to go on public transport with all the kids plus the cost.
I've told her I can't do it this weekend. The kids have stuff on too.
I think I'd be more minded to if the last time I'd done it she hadn't been so awful. I went on Friday.. walked over when the kids were in bed and the minute I got there she said 'no one helps me because everyone is horrible'
The back story of the amount I have helped her over the last couple of years I've posted about before. I've helped her to my own detriment. Both physically mentally and financially.
She's been texting all day "answer me now"
The baby was awake all night and is just crying constantly today..
I just snapped and texted back "no" then blocked her.
My DH has already blocked her because she was texting and calling him numerous times about picking up something from B&Q for her only hours after he'd had a bereavement (which she knew about because I told her)

Anyway thanks for listening. I just feel so guilty when I reach the end of my tether like that. I'm not going over there I'm taking the kids to the park. But I will feel guilty and sorry for her the entire time there's no escaping it.
I good percentage of me thinks maybe I am an awful person.

You aren't her slave or her emotional punch bag, regardless of her disability.

Good for you.

It sounds like you need time out. Is there anyone else at all that could help out alongside you?
Enjoy your time at the park to try and clear your head. You are not an awful person far from it, you are a person who needs a break.

I’m sorry your mum is disabled and I can imagine it must be hard on her but you aren’t her slave, you aren’t her emotional punching bag and if she’s not going to be grateful for the fact you’re visiting frequently as well as having your own life and family then I’d step back.

It sounds like you don’t know how to put boundaries in place so are hiding away rather than dealing with the issue.

Confrontation especially with parents is hard. But you need to be blunt.

Mum I have 3 kids, my husbands just had a bereavement and I have a lot on my plate. I can pop over once a week and we can have dinner together, I’ll take you on a walk and I’ll bring your shopping over for you. I’m sorry I can’t do anymore than that, but I’m pushing to my limits and it’s not fair on my mental health or the kids.

If she is nasty to you then pull back completely until she apologises. She hasn’t got the ramp as she expects you or DH to be at her beconing call and has possibly got a co-dependant attachment to you.

Don't unblock her.

Seriously, don't.

She's not your responsibility.

She doesn't deserve the care of she's not grateful for it.

Walk away now.

If her main issue, and the reason she needs you to go over, is the ramp then you really only have two alternative options.

Buy her the right sized ramp or
Contact (I think) adult services at the council for a house check and they can decide if she needs any other disability aids she might be entitled to. Explain about the ramp, wheelchair and charging problem first.

Then I think its time for an honest discussion. You can tell her you are willing to help her in an emergency (if you are) but now that you have three young children she needs to learn to be self sufficient or find support from other organisations. I'm sorry your mum is treating you this way. It's not okay.

Buy her a ramp?

You sound like a wonderful daughter and, because of that, you won't block her permanently. You need a solution. Could you perhaps contact social services and ask for an occupational therapist to visit her and make adjustments to her home? Alternatively could you buy her a ramp, take it over when DH is back and put it in place for her. I don't know the back story and she might've always been an insufferable bitch but she is also a widow, not young and disabled which is a lonely and frightening place to be. Unfortunately people in that position often become the worst version of themselves.

As a pp said, contact the Adult social services in your mother's area. They will assess, and fit a ramp if that is what is deemed appropriate.

I think you're doing the right thing this weekend, but if you do intend to be back in contact with her soon...

Sit with her and order a bloody ramp, surely?

I realise she will find some other way to need your help but for anything like this where there is a practical solution... do that, sit over her whilst the ramp is ordered so you know its the right thing, right size etc...

You shouldn't have to, but if you're not going to go NC, sorting things like that seems at least a partial solution.

Yeah but they may well take months and if they deem it is not appropriate (ie the ramp they'd have to fit would be fractionally too steep per the guidelines on ramp ratios)... they won't do it and THEN she'll have a 'im not ALLOWED a ramp' to cling to and use to berate OP.

Doesn't she have carers? Contact Adult Social Services on Monday and ask them to do a needs assessment so she gets whatever equipment/care she needs put in place or get her moved into suitable housing.

You don't live close enough not do you have the capacity to be her carer. Your children need you.

It’s not at all unreasonable. You’re only one person and you have all these demands on you, like the DC and supporting your DH. Being a full time carer is just above and beyond what you can manage.

She’s indoors. She’s safe. She’s well. She has a phone so can call 999 in an emergency. Worst case scenario is that she gets down on the floor and pretends she’s fallen in order to guilt trip you. The ambulance staff will make a referral to Social Services and that’s one less thing on your shoulders.

She is having a care act assessment soon so will be linked in with services then hopefully. I've actually been nagging her to agree to that for a year but she finally has.
I cannot afford to buy her a ramp myself.
I made suggestions to her about where she could get one.

Yeah it's true I just withdrew coz I couldn't deal with it. I did communicate the situation but she just kept texting and calling even after I told her I couldn't help. And I just blocked her because I haven't had much sleep and at some point I might have texted back something I regret.

@Fifteentreefrogs - I haven’t seen your previous threads so I apologise if I have this all wrong but everything you are doing comes from three things: guilt, obligation and fear. You need to recognise these feelings are not a reason to help someone (allowing for certain caveats).

I know she’s your mum and I understand her situation is difficult but that doesn’t mean she can abuse your time and harass you. She seems quite toxic and miserable, and it sounds like she needs extra help from a trained carer and perhaps therapy.

Please don’t feel guilty. Try and remind yourself that although she’s your mum she is making you feel bad and really doesn’t care that you have a family of your own to care for.

I remember your previous posts and the advice you have been given in these. Nothing is going to change. Your Mum has been emotionally abusing you for some time now and you need to keep to the boundaries set.
As I said before, you need to be putting your family first, they are being affected by the situation with your mum. She is able to make choices for herself and is very vocal about that.
As hard as it is, you need to walk away and let your mum sort it out. She is more capable than she has lead you to believe.

She's so childlike.. always has been. I guess it used to be charming. It does reel people in. And I guess for me I can't help feeling sorry for her. She is very intelligent.. but just childlike in her emotions and interactions. There's a nice fun side to it, but also a deeply selfish side to it. But it's as tho she isn't even capable of being able to think of anyone else.. so you get sucked in to this sympathy for her even when she's being awful.
For example is as tho I'm acutely aware of what she's feeling.
It hurts me. Like I can imagine her now getting frustrated and just texting over and over because she can't do the thing she wants to do without help and she has no patience at all. Like I can feel that like it's me and I feel so sorry for her.
Even tho I can't help her right now without it being shit for my kids and me.. and as a n adult woman she should be able to understand that. But I know she won't. I know she will just be upset thinking everyone's abandoned her and she can't trust anyone.
Wish I could just set it to block in my head as well!
I've just lived my childhood centring her needs and emotions as though they were my own. Being hyper aware of whatever she was feeling.
Don't think that made me a good daughter I still did not meet expectations!

Think about if you ever became disabled in future and how you would want your family to treat you. Everyone so into themselves and self-care nowadays.

To be fair I moved out at 16 and then she moved to France where she lived until two years ago when my dad died. Then she lived with me for a year which was very difficult.. our house is not suitable for her mobility needs and I have 3 kids as well.. we barely fit. Only one bathroom.
I suggested she rent nearby but she returned to France.
It's a long story but part of the resentment is that no, she did not really look after me beyond the basic things that you would be arrested for not doing.
She moved my school 12 times for example... for reasons best known to herself. Even in the middle of my gcses so I had to do new subjects in a year because the new school didn't do the same timetable etc..

That's why you befriend neighbours and have other friends who live near.

The thing is if it were my DH or my kids or my friends.. I'd be there. I'd find it an honour.
I actually work in healthcare. I have endless time for helping people.
My mum makes me want to kill myself within a few hours of being anywhere near her.
Initially when my dad died I tried to be her carer. I just couldn't do it. She lived with me for a year. It was utterly horrific.
I do love her but I really have to limit my time around her because of the impact on my psychologically.

OP she needs a bigger network than just you.

You have done enough.

When your husband comes back have a discussion with him about how you are going to put in place boundaries with your mother. Then please follow through.