To have blocked my disabled mums number?

[Fifteentreefrogs]

I just need moral support tbh..
It is a bit unreasonable obviously and I will be unblocking her in a day or so. I just can't cope with it right now.
There's a whole backstory and I've posted on here before and been told to cut contact. People get frustrated with me constantly posting because I don't cut contact permanently. I just can't do that tho as I'm her only child and only close relative. My dad (her husband and previous carer) is dead.
I'm alone with my 3 children over the weekend.. 2 primary aged and 5mnth old baby. My DH is away all weekend with a friend. He's just lost his grandmother who he lived with as a child. He's just gone for a 2 night break with his mate in the city.
I don't drive. My mum does not live in my town. It's vaguely walkable to her house but it's 5 miles.. I do walk there sometime to help her after the kids are in bed. But obviously can't do that at the moment as DH is away so can't leave kids alone.
My mum has lived there for a while and the issue is she can't drag her wheelchair inside over the step to charge it up. I don't understand why she hasn't bought a ramp. She's managed to get other furniture.
It's a long way for me to go on public transport with all the kids plus the cost.
I've told her I can't do it this weekend. The kids have stuff on too.
I think I'd be more minded to if the last time I'd done it she hadn't been so awful. I went on Friday.. walked over when the kids were in bed and the minute I got there she said 'no one helps me because everyone is horrible'
The back story of the amount I have helped her over the last couple of years I've posted about before. I've helped her to my own detriment. Both physically mentally and financially.
She's been texting all day "answer me now"
The baby was awake all night and is just crying constantly today..
I just snapped and texted back "no" then blocked her.
My DH has already blocked her because she was texting and calling him numerous times about picking up something from B&Q for her only hours after he'd had a bereavement (which she knew about because I told her)

Anyway thanks for listening. I just feel so guilty when I reach the end of my tether like that. I'm not going over there I'm taking the kids to the park. But I will feel guilty and sorry for her the entire time there's no escaping it.
I good percentage of me thinks maybe I am an awful person.

You sound horrible. Who talks like that to someone who is clearly suffering?

Fair enough about you not being able to buy it.

You have made suggestions where she can buy it, but is she capable of going online and ordering the right one? Have either of you measured? Could you do the actual ordering but use her money?

Sometimes disabled people (some, not all) get this mental block where even the simplest thing can be too overwhelming.

EDIT - However none of that excuses how she treats you.

You clearly haven’t experienced the manipulation and hurt that can be involved in some parent child relationships. Unfortunately not all parents look after their kids in the way that they should.
You should never feel bad for putting in boundaries in relationships, no matter who they are

Cruel for the mum to make her daughter walk 5 miles to push her over a step.

I can't get over that you have walked 5 miles to get her over a step when she could have fitted a ramp I immediately!

I wonder if she deliberately hasn't so she can continue to reel you in.

She sounds AWFUL and I really do think you should take time away from her - at least a month.

Disabled people can be assholes too.

If I walked 5 miles and heard nobody else's me I'd of left immediately that's disheartening af

She needs to contact ss she'll be entitled to help

YANBU I block my mum all of the time because she won’t take no for an answer.

The only thing is there may be an emergency.

It may be worth unblocking her but just totally ignoring her if you can.

Once DH is home then focus on getting her some sort of help so you don’t feel so guilty and she doesn’t take the piss.

Surely you should treat people how you want to be treated.
And that goes for the mum too.

She doesn’t get a free pass to be rude and entitled, just because she is disabled.

OP sounds like she already does a lot for her mum.

I wouldn't blame you if you blocked her for all time.

Fifteentreefrogs is there any reason you don't drive ? Wouldn't learning just make your life so much easier with three young kids ? A five mile walk to see your mum even when you DO want to do it sounds unbelievably time consuming. If you could jump in the car and go sort her out (if you were of a mind to) would make your life far less stressful.

If your partner already drives then the big costs of a car / practice are already paid. You just need a couple of starter lessons and practice with DH.

You sound like you need therapy to address her terrible controlling behaviour towards you and to help you set boundaries.

Her behaviour is not normal nor is it acceptable. Don’t put up with it.

A big part of that is how would you be treating your family? Or do you think you should be able to treat someone like shit and they should still run around after you?!

If she is able to get out of the wheelchair and up the step why can't she get a weatherproof extension lead and charge the wheelchair outside?

I wouldn’t expect someone to walk TEN MILES to help me whatever my condition. It’s the mother that’s so into herself, not op.

She's managed to order and get delivered and set up.. a sofa.. a smart TV.. a laptop.. a smart phone...bedside tables and a wardrobe. Without any assistance from us whatsoever. Altho I did show her how to set up iplayer.
This is about her not wanting to spend money on a boring thing.
She has multiple expensive plants in her courtyard for example but trued to tell me she could not afford a hoover
When she first moved in I bought all basic cleaning things and supplies.. I spent a hundred doing that.. I leant her another 800 for the deposit on the place.. she routinely asks me to lend her money.
Her income is higher than my husbands. And she has no dependants.
I've been on a journey with this. I have posted before but as I said when I post all the details people get tired of telling me to go no contact.
She has a hoarding and spending problem.. it's basically an addiction.
Every time I spend money on her it just allows her to spend money on things she enjoys spending money on.. which would be find except we are talking large amounts of money she can't really afford.
She definitely does need carers to come and just give her a hand maybe once or twice a week.. she can't lift heavy things..
But when I was doing this it was just an excuse for her not to sort anything or take any responsibility iyswim.
I feel this ramp is the same. I refuse to believe that a woman who can order from qvc every day isn't capable of ordering a ramp. She just doesn't want to because she thinks she can get other people to help her for free.
Doubtless this is not what she'd tell you if you asked her.. she had her neighbours in France thinking she needed to be waited on hand and foot and they were harassing me just after I'd given birth about being unable to cope with her..

She's so deeply selfish I feel genuinely sorry for her because she actually harms herself. She's not making proper plans for her future.. despite constant advice from us to do this..
Honestly when she lived with us and I was trying to care for her it was a nightmare because she refused to acknowledge she needed help but in doing so she was not acknowledging the amount of help she was being given at our expense.. she did not contribute financially in any way.. she had pets at the time.. I can't be bothered to write it all out again but her expectations were massively high but she refused to actually help pay for any professional support like a cleaner for instance..
I've had to really withdraw.. I think she needs to go on the journey of actually realising she needs help or being forced to acknowledge what people are doing for her so that she actually prioritises sorting it out abd getting it in place.

It's not even her. It's just her chair. She can walk short distances. She can get around her flat without her chair. It's just that the chair is too heavy for her to lift over her front step. It's covered so it stays dry. But she can't charge it unless it's inside abd she does need it to cover longer distances such as going to town.

I'm sorry but what a horrible thing to say to an OP who has obviously reached crisis point and has an awful lot on her plate..... just as a counterpoint... I did become disabled in my late 20s. I'm now in my mid 40s and am a single parent to a now teenager.
Through Adult Social Care I've had an in-house OH assessment (yes; it does take a few months which can be frustrating) but after moving into our new home late May I had the OH team in this last week putting in grab rails, banisters, outside handrails & I'm waiting on the ramps being fitted. I did this off my own bat; not assuming that other people should do everything for me.
OP- please do not feel guilty. You are looking after 3 young children, including a baby. You need to take time for yourself & your children. Disability doesn't automatically make someone a nice person, all the unpleasant or indeed lovely traits stay the same.
Please look after yourself and your children. I'm sorry your Mum is struggling but the answer is not to hound you. Sending you strength & support xx

It's just not really financially viable. My DH uses the car all day at work so even if I could drive I would not be able to use the car. Its not been any problem until now.. lived in a city and then the town we live in now has good transport links and we love in the centre. My mum lives in a nearby village tho. There is a bus but it doesn't run that often to near her.. and of course I'd have to cart all the kids with me today which is why it's a problem. I walk after 10pm on my own as the buses stop.. it's not so much of a problem when DH is here. Her house is actually on his drive home from work as well so he'll often just pops the chair in on his way home.
But I feel she has this expectation that we can always do it.. but we can't abd she needs to have another method. I have told her countless times to get a ramp.

I tried to advise her to live in the next town or the city as it would actually have been much easier for her... this village is nearby but its just a tiny village. She cannot afford to live in the town where we are it's one of the most expensive places to live in the UK. We are lucky we managed to get a house here.

She could do that yes.. hopefully she will see that's a necessary purchase now. That or a ramp.

OP.....does your Mum recieve PIP? If her needs are this great then she may well be entitled, however I'm not sure if living in France previously for years could impact her being able to apply for PIP here straight away. It is a bugger of a form to complete....and there are charities, including Adult Social Care if your Mum is over 65 who can help her complete it, not you!
You've got to try & put boundaries in place- far easier said than done I know. I've experienced dealing with a parent who wanted me to be their personal slave it felt. Even after recovering from spinal surgery they wanted me running errands for them when I couldn't actually walk/drive/anything!

My mum makes me want to kill myself within a few hours of being anywhere near her

I'm sorry OP but you need to take all the advice you've had on your many threads about your mother.

Keep her blocked. She has taken loads of money from you, caused endless trouble, and it's never enough.

Keep her blocked. She's unbelievable.

You, your husband and your poor children need you to get her out of your life.

Just stop.

this.

Only you have the power to stop this.

for the sake of your own mental health and more importantly your children. They come first, not toxic mum

Oh yes, I didn't for a second mean that you should buy her a ramp...

Just sit over her and ensure she orders the right ramp (there are a lot of options I can understand being a bit overwhelmed by it all!) for her access point.

Leave her with it outside for a day or two and uncharged and THEN offer to help her order a ramp.

When she calls up asking you to do X say no. Be firm and then say what you WILL be willing to do (if anything!).

'No Mum, DH cannot come and pop your chair in every day. But I will come over and help you order the correct ramp for your door if you like? Oh, you don't want that? Well I guess the chair will have to live outside and you'll need to order an outdoor extension lead to charge it with. Your choice'.

Make it clear every time what you will do, what you won't do. Then the ball is entirely in her court.

Oh crikey it's you. Ignore advice from anyone who hasn't read the backstory, this is more complicated than this one thread suggests.

You have to look after yourself and your children. She's made her position clear over the decades.