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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

64 replies

getmeout12 · 14/07/2024 12:27

My DH is on annual leave this week. We have just regions from a week away (where we did nothing but argue). I have worked entirely from home since early May because of a lack of childcare, grandparents being away and DH refuses to do any extra pick ups or drops so it's all fallen to me in all times of need the last few weeks. That means I absolutely need to be away for work next week Tues to Thurs because I've been invisible at work in 6 weeks. I am the main breadwinner and my salary supports 75-80% of our costs. My DH could not be less supportive of my job despite it sustaining us and paying the bills.

We are returning from holiday today to my in laws being at our house. DH wants to be at home Mon to Weds because he wants to do some work on the house while his parents are visiting. He then wants to wait to take our DC back to his hometown (5 hours away) until Thursday, meaning they'll be gone before I get home on Thursday eve. He wants to stay until Sunday.

That means I won't have seen my DC for 5 days 5 nights which is the longest by far. I don't want to be away Tues - Thurs but I need to be away for 2 nights for work, and given my absence recently I have no flex to ditch a night.

He has suggested that I go but his parents are insanely stressful, my MIL is very nosy and interrogative. She waits until my DH is away to ask incredibly personal, intrusive questions. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and the whole experience just isn't enjoyable and I'm in a goldfish bowl the whole weekend.

If I go, that means in two weeks I'll have been at home for a grand total of two nights- three countries (holiday, work, parents in law). I just want to get home and sort my house out with my in laws, by then, having gone.

It's also my son's last week at preschool. He missed this week due to holiday, I didn't expect him to not be there on Thursday and Friday next week.

I have said to my DH that he should go home any time between Mon to Friday but that I'm not having the kids away from me for 5 nights. I've never gone longer than 2nights and I feel I'm being punished for being away- working.

He has called me an evil witch. Tells me it's likely the end of us (we are going through a terrible patch) if I stop the children going.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Regalia · 14/07/2024 12:30

Your marriage clearly has problems, but in itself, I’d have no issue with not seeing my child for five days because he was away with his dad. He has often been away for longer. Having time to concentrate on work isn’t a ‘punishment’ for me.

TakeOnFlea · 14/07/2024 12:31

He's threatening you with separation? I'd gladly accept tbh because things aren't going to get better.

You're in a good position compared to him with your income and the time you have with your kids would be quality time.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 14/07/2024 12:32

I think you have bigger issues than this. But on this you're being unreasonable. He's their parent too, and I don't think it's right that you should control what he does with then when he's spending time with them.

converseandjeans · 14/07/2024 12:33

I think it would be fine if you're working & it means you get a bit of breathing space? It's good for children to have a relationship with grandparents independent of the mother. Just leave them to it & enjoy the break.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 14/07/2024 12:33

YABU

Emotionalsupporthamster · 14/07/2024 12:34

It seems a bit over the top to stop him taking them away - I’d be delighted at the chance for some time to myself. It sounds like you have a bigger problem than your DH wanting to take the kids away to the GPs for a few days though.

modgepodge · 14/07/2024 12:34

Will your son be upset missing the end of preschool? My daughter had to miss her last few weeks for medical reasons and left one day and never went back. She was extremely sad about this even months later.

other than that I do think you are being a little unreasonable…you have the choice to go see them at the weekend…otherwise 5 days isn’t soo long. If you separate from you husband it may regularly end up being a full week if he takes them on holiday and so on…

Buddysbunda · 14/07/2024 12:35

You are being unreasonable. You don't get to control the family because you are the main earner.

andyourpointiswhat · 14/07/2024 12:37

It’s five nights, not five months, you are being ridiculous in that respect but it sounds like you are under huge pressure and your relationship is toxic which is probably making everything feel worse.

hopeishere · 14/07/2024 12:39

Bigger problems here obviously. But five days kid free to concentrate on work and getting the house shipshape sounds fine to me.

Bemusedandconfusedagain · 14/07/2024 12:41

You're marriage sounds like it's over. But a loving considerate partner wanting to take the kids away should be a non issue. Unless he has ties overseas and you're concerned he's going to take them out the country?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/07/2024 12:42

YABU. The marriage doesn't sound great, but I think you are in the wrong on this issue. It should be fine for him to take the children, and you could join them if you wanted to but are choosing not to.

Harrumphhhh · 14/07/2024 12:42

With kindness, as you are obviously at the end of your tether, YABU.

He might be a crap partner in other ways, but what he’s suggesting isn’t unreasonable.

Let them go. Enjoy the time to yourself when you get back from work. Potentially use it to do some really deep thinking about your relationship.

CandiedPrincess · 14/07/2024 12:44

He's not being unreasonable.

Original poster
getmeout12 · 14/07/2024 12:47

Thanks this is really helpful. And yes much bigger problems.

What infuriates me is he refuses to do anything day to day, like over the last month where I've picked up everything, but now that it suits him he's all up for being a model parent. In reality he will leave the kids with his parents while he jollies about at home seeing his mates, but externally he's the doting father taking his children back.

The AIBU view is really helpful though because I'm looking at this whilst completely exasperating at my wider problems.

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 14/07/2024 12:49

You clearly have much bigger issues in your relationship which I can see are very difficult. But I think those are colouring your view here. Him taking on the DC mon-Wed while also sorting stuff at home and, I assume, his parents, then him taking them away for a few days feels like a brilliant way for you to be able to focus on work and getting yourself together and, hopefully, the DC will hvae a great time with him and their grandparents.

How old are they? I could sort of understand your hatred of this idea if they were 6 months but assuming the're all a bit older, this feels like a win.

PS my brother's wife refused to allow him to bring his dd to visit us for a 3 day visit. Considering he is actually a very involved parent who regularly looks after the DC while she works etc, there's zero excuse. The way he talks about her and their relationship has changed since then and I suspect in a year or so when they're probalby divorced, he'll look back at that moment and say that was the the final straw that made him really start considering leaving.

Lentilweaver · 14/07/2024 12:50

If I were doing all you do, I would be jumping with joy at getting some child free time. Though ofc you have bigger issues.

toomanytonotice · 14/07/2024 12:53

I think this is about seeing your kids but more about your marriage.

dh used to take ours to his parents for a week every new year. I worked- Christmas off means taking the NY shifts.

bloody loved it. Spent two days cleaning and getting the house absolutely spotless, then sat revelling in a clean house that stayed tidy and being able to eat what I wanted, and worry about myself and my needs only. I could get a snack or a cup of tea without everyone else wanting me to get them one too.

MissingKitty · 14/07/2024 12:55

getmeout12 · 14/07/2024 12:47

Thanks this is really helpful. And yes much bigger problems.

What infuriates me is he refuses to do anything day to day, like over the last month where I've picked up everything, but now that it suits him he's all up for being a model parent. In reality he will leave the kids with his parents while he jollies about at home seeing his mates, but externally he's the doting father taking his children back.

The AIBU view is really helpful though because I'm looking at this whilst completely exasperating at my wider problems.

You need to take what wins you can with the kids, and deal with your marriage problems separately. You are moaning he won’t do stuff with the kids, but now he wants to so let him and make the most of that time with work and to take a break from him and think about what you want.

ricecrispiecakes · 14/07/2024 12:57

Short-term, I would just focus on the fact that you'll be getting five child-free days to do whatever you like (around work, obviously).

Long-term, I would end your marriage.

Lavender14 · 14/07/2024 12:57

Am I the only one who would massively miss ds for 5 nights away? I wouldn't want to be apart from ds for that long either, a weekend, fine but the best part of a week would feel very long to me. So I can understand why op isn't feeling excited at the prospect. It sounds like you're left doing so much of the parenting you're only getting limited chances to actually enjoy your children. Which I think would make sense and make you miss them more.

I think in this case op, I'd let him take him because I'm not sure it's a hill to die on provided you feel they are safe with him and that he will return them at the end of the 5 days and keep in touch in between.

Obviously you're both not in a good place in your relationship and I'd be inclined to use this time to think about what you need to be different, what you need to do differently and how you can do that eg marriage counselling, having a set date night, agreed time for you both to have your own individual down time, set tasks in the home you're both responsible for. And when he's back, then I'd sit down with him and propose you both try to find a better way going forward. I'd also have a think about what steps you'd need to take if there isn't a better way forward or if he decides not to pull his weight.

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 14/07/2024 12:57

Your post (and life) seems to be quite hectic. I'd have no problem with him taking the children for 5 days. I wouldn't see it as punishment! I'd see it as time to get everything done that you feel hasn't been done. It also means not having to spend extra time with his parents. It's down time for you.

I also think this looks like the end of your relationship, so time separate from your children is likely to become more of a thing.

Let him go. Let him bring the children. You can ring/video call. You can also take time to evaluate everything and have a bit of headspace to do it. Your children will be fine, and they'll be home in a few days.

liveforsummer · 14/07/2024 12:59

He sounds awful but the plan to take the dc a way isn't one of the reasons. You've had a busy time - enjoy the weekend to yourself. Get things in order. Consider if you want to continue in the relationship with a bit of breathing space around you.

justasking111 · 14/07/2024 13:06

My DH took the children away for a week. Scotland and then Ireland before returning to Wales. It was bliss to be honest.

If you separate you'll probably be losing them half a week every week anyway

Wordsmithery · 14/07/2024 13:08

You want your husband to do his share. Which he is, by fixing the house and then taking the kids away. For reasons I can't quite grasp, you're not happy with this. There are lots of issues in your marriage but I don't this issue is the hill to die on.