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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

64 replies

getmeout12 · 14/07/2024 12:27

My DH is on annual leave this week. We have just regions from a week away (where we did nothing but argue). I have worked entirely from home since early May because of a lack of childcare, grandparents being away and DH refuses to do any extra pick ups or drops so it's all fallen to me in all times of need the last few weeks. That means I absolutely need to be away for work next week Tues to Thurs because I've been invisible at work in 6 weeks. I am the main breadwinner and my salary supports 75-80% of our costs. My DH could not be less supportive of my job despite it sustaining us and paying the bills.

We are returning from holiday today to my in laws being at our house. DH wants to be at home Mon to Weds because he wants to do some work on the house while his parents are visiting. He then wants to wait to take our DC back to his hometown (5 hours away) until Thursday, meaning they'll be gone before I get home on Thursday eve. He wants to stay until Sunday.

That means I won't have seen my DC for 5 days 5 nights which is the longest by far. I don't want to be away Tues - Thurs but I need to be away for 2 nights for work, and given my absence recently I have no flex to ditch a night.

He has suggested that I go but his parents are insanely stressful, my MIL is very nosy and interrogative. She waits until my DH is away to ask incredibly personal, intrusive questions. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and the whole experience just isn't enjoyable and I'm in a goldfish bowl the whole weekend.

If I go, that means in two weeks I'll have been at home for a grand total of two nights- three countries (holiday, work, parents in law). I just want to get home and sort my house out with my in laws, by then, having gone.

It's also my son's last week at preschool. He missed this week due to holiday, I didn't expect him to not be there on Thursday and Friday next week.

I have said to my DH that he should go home any time between Mon to Friday but that I'm not having the kids away from me for 5 nights. I've never gone longer than 2nights and I feel I'm being punished for being away- working.

He has called me an evil witch. Tells me it's likely the end of us (we are going through a terrible patch) if I stop the children going.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 14/07/2024 13:09

5 day trip is nothing. That's not the problem here

TheSerenePinkOrca · 14/07/2024 13:11

YABU.

He's stepping up to parent.

But I think his suggestion of separation sounds sensible. This relationship doesn't seem to have a lot of respect for each other.

It's 5 nights, not 5 weeks, and you can see them via video call.

namechange1986 · 14/07/2024 13:13

How old are the children?

If they are babies or breastfed then I can see your point, but any older YABU.

SpidersAreShitheads · 14/07/2024 13:14

I would hate to be away from my DC for 5 nights.

However, you’re not actually being forced to be away from them - you just don’t want to visit your PIL. So for that reason you’re being a bit unreasonable. I know you’ll have barely been home in that two-week period but it’s just two weeks and the summer holidays are approaching.

I’d suck it up and go stay with them tbh.

But I’d also be sorting my shit out to end my marriage.

If you think he’s deliberately weaponised the children to get at you about your job, you perhaps need to have a very good think about how contact and co-parenting will work after you split. This doesn’t sound like a man who will be reasonable or fair so you’re going to need good legal advice and a cast-iron stomach to deal with the inevitable difficulties.

I think I would take an extra day/night before you join them to maybe make an appointment with a solicitor and figure out your next steps. Best of luck - sounds like you’re in a strong position financially so there’s no reason to live like this 💐

harriethoyle · 14/07/2024 13:16

Let him take them and use Thursday or Friday to go and see a matrimonial finance solicitor to take advice about how to best manage your separation.

FloofPaws · 14/07/2024 13:18

Wow I'd love 5 days alone

HcbSS · 14/07/2024 13:19

This marriage sounds dead in the water so you will probably have to get used to being away from them at some point if you split and have to share custody.

stayathomer · 14/07/2024 13:21

I was already to tell you that 5 days is a lot but not in the grand scheme of things if you’re busy for a part of it and that’s very likely something I would do to both while away the time and to see my family and be able to say I had a good block period with them (I only see them a few times a year), but threatening with separation is horrendous … you both need to have a big talk

Bing123 · 14/07/2024 13:21

What do the kids want to do? anyone asked them how they feel about it?

summerlovingvibes · 14/07/2024 13:24

With regards to the time away from DC, I would personally take it as an opportunity to have some "you" time. Work is work, but then get home and have a couple of days to just enjoy some quiet time and then you'll be reunited. I wouldn't think twice about it - yes please a break away from
DC sounds lovely!

justasking111 · 14/07/2024 13:25

When my husband took them away for a week when I was working. I came home ate a ready made salad, I cleared every room of outgrown clothes, toys. Cleaned every room thoroughly.

At the end of the week the home was like a new pin and I was so relaxed.

Hermitreader · 14/07/2024 13:32

You are being totally unreasonable. If your marriage ends then your DH will be taking your children away for that length of time or longer on a regular basis. If as you say he will rely on his parents for child care when he has contact, then this is what you will be facing going forward. You need to think long term.

zeibesaffron · 14/07/2024 13:39

I agree with others, generally day to day your H is an arse! Not helping and supporting is just a him being a dick!

However for this specific issue I think you are unreasonable why can’t he go away for 5 days with them and let you work/ have some time off. Surely you can message/ facetime etc?

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 14/07/2024 13:41

YABU about him taking the children away, especially after starting the OP about how you do essentially everything at home, with childcare, and being the breadwinner. This is your chance for a break from some of it ....

Use the time to get your affairs in order and get legal advice about getting rid of the manchild who is making your life harder rather than easier.

MissBPotter · 14/07/2024 13:44

I agree with the others that your dh sounds completely awful but I would let him take the kids and you can have some thinking time about what to do about your relationship.

Aprilrosesews · 14/07/2024 13:53

i’m suprised there’s not more YANBU! No way my DH would be taking DS away for a week without me and we parent completely 50/50. I couldn’t go a week without seeing my DS, it would be too long for me but he is under 2YO. He would also respect my decision though. Your marriage is the problem here. Maybe separation would be good for you both. He might actually have to pull his weight!

phoenixrosehere · 14/07/2024 13:55

Think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It reads like you need a massive break. Thursday to Sunday is not much at all. DH takes the kids and you work and do what you feel you need to do at home.

If your DH is just going to his parents and using them as childcare while he does what he wants, there’s not much you can do about it. If this is the norm for him, the kids will realise if they haven’t already depending on ages, what kind of father they have.

Plus the time alone may help you sort what you want to do about your marriage going further.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/07/2024 13:55

YABU for objecting to him taking the kids to his parents. In the grand scheme of things 5 days is nothing. I honestly think this is more about your resentment of him not sharing the load/not appreciating how hard you work than it is about 'missing the kids'. Would you feel it was 'unfair' to take the DC to your parents' for 5 days without him?

YANBU about resenting him though. He honestly sounds pretty shit to me and as if the two of you no longer 'connect' as a committed couple should. Love can and does die, you know. And when it does, it's usually better to call time before bitterness starts to set in, although sounds as if it may be too late for that. I think you need to look at your marriage in its totality and decide "Am I better off with him, or without him?". The answer seems pretty obvious to me, but you know the 'intricacies' of your marriage (and your finances) better than I do.

Let him take the kids. In his absence, review your financial situation (your income, his income, and household expenses & bills) and see a solicitor about what a divorce might mean to you. Especially since you are the much higher earner you need to know what he might be entitled to in a settlement as the lower earner spouse and what might happen if he decides to declare himself the 'primary caretaker' of the DC in order to get maintenance.

Life is too short to live in misery. But you have a lot to think about. Get rid or 'cheaper to keep him'. Just get the info, consider, and make a cool and calm decision.

Lalalacrosse · 14/07/2024 13:56

It’s 5 nights, not 5 years. It shouldn’t be a problem. If you divorce you’ll likely need to get used to it.

YourWildAmberSloth · 14/07/2024 14:01

As others have said, you need to separate the issues. YABU about him taking the children away, even though you won't see them for 5 days. That will be good for them, and you - they will be away from you at some point (residential school trips for example), and its better that you all start getting used to the idea now rather than when the time comes. You need to look at the marriage issues though, it sounds awful.

macaroniandcheeze · 14/07/2024 14:10

I think if he isn’t willing to do pick ups and drops off and general parenting then he doesn’t get the fun holiday while you work, that sounds like Disney dad bullshit and if he’s going to act like that then you might as well be separated.

AFmammaG · 14/07/2024 14:17

Is he staying in this country with them? If yes, YABU I’m afraid.

LondonFox · 14/07/2024 14:17

justasking111 · 14/07/2024 13:06

My DH took the children away for a week. Scotland and then Ireland before returning to Wales. It was bliss to be honest.

If you separate you'll probably be losing them half a week every week anyway

Very unlikely her DH would want 50:50 if he is unqble to cover odd schoolmpickups now.
Surelly he would struggle with a full week of having them over

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/07/2024 14:18

I would take the time and let him head off. Focus on your job, you can't afford to lose it.

He will undoubtedly come back having offloaded the kids on his parents perpetually pretending to be Dad of the year and be all insulted at any inference he is not pulling his weight. If you have any headspace between the job and sorting the house, I'd try to make your exit plan and how you are going to frame the next discussion with him.

LondonFox · 14/07/2024 14:18

Lalalacrosse · 14/07/2024 13:56

It’s 5 nights, not 5 years. It shouldn’t be a problem. If you divorce you’ll likely need to get used to it.

Yeah nut in a case of divorve he would also need to do all "unfun" stuff during week or settle for every other weekend access yo children only.