To refuse DH taking kids away which would mean I cannot see them for 5 days

[getmeout12]

My DH is on annual leave this week. We have just regions from a week away (where we did nothing but argue). I have worked entirely from home since early May because of a lack of childcare, grandparents being away and DH refuses to do any extra pick ups or drops so it's all fallen to me in all times of need the last few weeks. That means I absolutely need to be away for work next week Tues to Thurs because I've been invisible at work in 6 weeks. I am the main breadwinner and my salary supports 75-80% of our costs. My DH could not be less supportive of my job despite it sustaining us and paying the bills.

We are returning from holiday today to my in laws being at our house. DH wants to be at home Mon to Weds because he wants to do some work on the house while his parents are visiting. He then wants to wait to take our DC back to his hometown (5 hours away) until Thursday, meaning they'll be gone before I get home on Thursday eve. He wants to stay until Sunday.

That means I won't have seen my DC for 5 days 5 nights which is the longest by far. I don't want to be away Tues - Thurs but I need to be away for 2 nights for work, and given my absence recently I have no flex to ditch a night.

He has suggested that I go but his parents are insanely stressful, my MIL is very nosy and interrogative. She waits until my DH is away to ask incredibly personal, intrusive questions. She gives unsolicited parenting advice and the whole experience just isn't enjoyable and I'm in a goldfish bowl the whole weekend.

If I go, that means in two weeks I'll have been at home for a grand total of two nights- three countries (holiday, work, parents in law). I just want to get home and sort my house out with my in laws, by then, having gone.

It's also my son's last week at preschool. He missed this week due to holiday, I didn't expect him to not be there on Thursday and Friday next week.

I have said to my DH that he should go home any time between Mon to Friday but that I'm not having the kids away from me for 5 nights. I've never gone longer than 2nights and I feel I'm being punished for being away- working.

He has called me an evil witch. Tells me it's likely the end of us (we are going through a terrible patch) if I stop the children going.

AIBU?

You don't get to call all the shots.

I think you and your kids would be better off without him.
Pick up and drop offs - didn't exist when I was a kid, we walked (given the age and distance).
Your in-laws sound nightmarish, too.
Would you be happier just with your kids?

In the normal scheme of things, 5 days away isn't an issue.

Within the context you describe its a massive issue. Some posters seem to be wilfully ignoring the context.

Yanbu. Accept his offer to separate. Call it a trial. See how it goes.

Hi OP,
Does he do the day to day parent things e.g. cooking for the kids, getting them ready, bath, doing the food shop etc? The list goes on. Are you worried about the children being away for 5 day because of lack of parenting he does day to day?

It does really depend on the dc ages to me. Mine are 10 and 12 and I’ve never been apart from them for 5 days, but in theory it would be fine. I would expect Dh to respect my feelings if I didn’t want to - if they are young.

I agree the problems with your Dh are colouring the situation, which is understandable.

The context matters here. He's using it as a power move. If he was a caring partner and parent who had discussed and agreed this with you, that would be different. The fact he's doing this at an inconvenient time which ignores the best interests of the kids (re end of preschool) just confirms it's all about him and nothing about the family.

Say do you know what it's fine it's probably best your parents watch the children anyway

It’s not really about the 5 days is it? DH has taken the children for weeks to visit his family in North Africa. I coped with it because it was part of a balanced relationship where both parents took responsibility and had an equal voice.

This is about him playing Disney dad at an inconsiderate time because it suits him and allows him to look like he gives a shit whilst acting in his own best interests.

5 childfree days to crack on unhindered and to relax sounds like heaven. They are with their dad whom they live with. I agree that your marriage problems are likely clouding things a bit here. Let them go, enjoy the peace!

Your whole marriage is the issue.

The 5 nights isn't a problem imo. If you split and have 50/50 custody that'll be the norm every fortnight.

I really don't see why you have a problem with this so YABU.

I am with the ones saying your marriage seems dead in the water anyway, and unless you plan to go for 100% care, the children will be staying away from you at times.

So I would take the offer and use you free time to think through where you go from here and what you think your future could reasonably look like.

You say that if you go toPILs that will be three countries in two weeks. Do they live abroad? Is there any danger DH will keep them there?

I can see why you’re annoyed but you need to put it in perspective - 5 days isn’t long in the grand scheme of the things and if you separate it’ll be a lot more. If you are the bread winner he can easily present himself as the main parent. Unless he’s abusive there won’t be a reason not to give him 50/50. It sounds like you may be heading for divorce and that’s fine but you will have to accept seeing your children half of the time, sad and difficult as that is. Maybe take the five days to work and relax and consider what you want and if the marriage can be fixed.

I don’t have experience of divorce myself but my DH is divorced with 50/50 shared care of my DSD. Last Summer we didn’t see her for 15 days while her mum and stepdad took her on a big holiday. The year before we went away for 16 nights with her and her mum didn’t see her for 17 days. We missed her like mad and I’m sure her Mum and SD did too. All she thought about was how good her holidays were - the separation is a lot harder on the adults! Just something to think about, your kids might enjoy the days away.