AIBU - “because of how you are”

[FeelingCrapAboutMe]

I’m feeling crap about myself this morning.

Over the last couple of years I’ve had a few people say these exact words to me, “because of the way you are”. For context, I’m a middle age mum, married, 2 teens.

One was my DH. We nearly split up a while ago because he was having a MLC. I refused to put up with it, asked him to leave, I didn’t take his nonsense. He wanted to do his thing, and take his time to figure out what he wanted over time, going out and leaving me to deal with DC, but I made it difficult for him, and he couldn’t handle it “because of the way you are”. P.s. He snapped out of it.

Then, in a group of friends. Having a nice time, talked about school and then they referred to an incident when I didn’t tolerate my DC being bullied, and 2 of them referred to how I handled it, “because of the way you are”, said very negatively. FYI their DC are constantly bullied, and they do nothing.

Another incident at work recently. One of my close workmates got thrown under a bus by other colleagues. I stood up for her, and again, I’m the one who a couple of colleagues, the throwers under the bus, got upset with, saying they are upset with me “because of the way I am”.

Yesterday I got into a conversation with someone about Tax, and my son said “I’m embarrassing” and asked my DH “why did you marry her?”

I’m finding these comments really hurtful, but also I’m confused. I didn’t get to 55 and never fall out with someone by being horrible. I’ve lots of friends, I get written letters by people telling me I’m really kind!

The only thing I can think of is I’ve gained in confidence quite a lot in the past few years, or more correctly, I’m now mid 50’s and I don’t put up with any nonsense. I call it out. I never, ever start things.

I’m upset by these comments and this morning I feel like I need to be seen and not heard, and “change myself” when I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel the most comfortable and confident in myself.

YANBU - carry on
YABU - clearly I’m annoying

Hard to tell?

are you very blunt?

I am similar and work in a client facing role. Recently I had to review one of my conversations and noted whilst I was nice enough and said all the right things, the tone of my speech implied I was being confrontational. I am now working to change this

Have you asked any of them what they mean by it? Some if it sounds like it could be they are impressed that you deal with things in a certain way because they wouldn't be able to and some of it sounds like they are trying to blame you for their actions (if that makes sense?

And your Son just sounds plain rude.

But surely those references to 'the way you are' mean different things depending on who is saying them, and the contexts and intent? Mimsy people often prefer to be surrounded by mimsiness. My mother, for instance, absolutely loathes confident women or children, and is horrified that she has produced three independent-minded women, after we'd realised that her 'Never say no, especially to a man' approach was pretty unhelpful.

Weren't your friends being admiring when they talked about how you handled the bullying incident, for instance?

And while I can imagine it might well have been easier for your husband having some kind of MLC to have had someone who meekly said 'Off you go, dear, and reinvent yourself as a Buddhist surfer -- I'll be here holding the fort if you decide to come back', that's not on you, surely?

In all those examples you give, you're standing up for someone or yourself. Would you describe yourself as assertive? Perhaps that's what they mean. That the way you are is assertive.

"The way you are" is assertive, by the sounds of it. I am too, and so long as you are not being aggressive mean or rude, this it a "them" issue not a "you" issue. As you were, go well. 👍😁

Pink pillow

I think I am blunt. However, no one has ever said that to me. I’ve been told by my manager that I’m brutally honest, and that it’s refreshing and that no one else will say what they really mean. In fact they ask me to go to open feedback meetings as they know I’ll pipe up whilst others say nothing. I don’t understand though, why wouldn’t you just say what you think?

Is it that my filter has gone? The lack of oestrogen has eroded it.

I've become stronger and more assertive in the last few years and I've noticed some people don't like it. And like you I never start anything. I'm a very happy, laughy, chill and kind person with everyone but if someone starts something I react.
I stand up for people. I voice my opinion. I don't let anyone walk over me. Many people don't like a confident woman. They want someone who quietly puts up with everything and never makes waves.

I think you sound confident, assertive and you don’t stand for any bullshit, which are all very positive things in my opinion.
please don’t change, the world needs more people like you, not less.
I can’t imagine not doing anything to help my child if they were being bullied - when did people get so meek and weak willed.

Hm. I find that I'm an effective advocate, facilitator and negotiator (part of my professional role) because I don't necessarily 'call people / things out', but present as curious and enquiring, solution-seeking with an emphasis on both / all parties retaining dignity at the end of the resolution and repair process. This kind of mediation or engagement doesn't necessarily require a great deal of personal confidence or 'not putting up with nonsense' but rather an openness to the idea of hearing all needs.
The phrases 'thrown under the bus', 'make it difficult for'and 'call out' do have a whiff of confrontation about them.
I do think you're onto something though, about how women are perceived if we are lucky enough to find that we give fewer fucks in middle age than previously.

I agree with the others. Your examples come across as assertive and won't back down without good reason. I would want you in my corner 😉

Yesterday I got into a conversation with someone about Tax, and my son said “I’m embarrassing” and asked my DH “why did you marry her?”
This is different though. This is just plain nastiness from your son and I wouldn't put up with that. Tell him if you are that bad he can leave.

Standing up for your DC and colleague is good.

Idk what happened with your husband's MLC but you didn't support him? Then again I don't know the circumstances

Your son saying to your DH "why did you marry her?" Is vile

I think it really depends on how you deal with stuff. For example, my mother would insist she takes no shit from people. Fine, but she’s very aggressive and refuses to accept this. I learnt far more from watching her sister get shit done effectively because she manages not to behave like a bully.

The examples you give like your husband I would take with a huge pinch of salt- you had every right to tell him you wouldn’t be putting up with his shit. Your son was rude. Your friends saying it, they’re your friends, you should be comfortable enough with them to ask what they mean by that. Doesn’t have to be confrontational. They very possibly
mean it in a positive way- you deal with stuff effectively.

Hard to say without having been there, and it's definitely true that some people dislike assertiveness in women, but the way you talk about some of the people around you comes across as though you don't like/respect them very much.

None of us can tell if the comments are justified without knowing you in person but if you’re going to blunt and feel proud of ‘having no filter’ then you need to develop a thick skin and be prepared for people to react in kind.

I say exactly what I think but in a diplomatic unemotional respectful way. I used to be much more blunt but have become skilled in my delivery. I can talk about difficult things to people

OP you sound like you don't take people's shit and that gets people's backs up. Keep it up!

Your son was being a brat and you should have pulled him up on it. Point out he wouldn't be here if you hadn't married his dad!

The comment from my son really stung as I’m still trying to get over my DH’s MLC.

I don’t understand why anyone would tolerate bullying either. These friends DC are actually in counselling, or have had miserable times at school as a result. Both mine got bullied once, and never again. These 2 friends rounded on me, one started it, and the other joined in. It was eye rolling, negative tone of voice, and a comment about “how I am with the teachers” and “because of the way you are”. FYI, I’ve never been told by any school that I’ve been rude to a teacher.

Lol, menopause will do that to you, OP. Look, if you know you're being fair and not randomly riding rough shod over people, then just congratulate yourself on not being a mealy-mouthed pushover. There's nothing wrong with being a little bit 'no BS' and fierce, especially when you use it in defence of others, like your child or your colleague. Honestly, the world needs more people like you.

PS. I suspect some people feel that way about me too, but I don't care. Ultimately I've got the back of the people I love, and myself, and I see that as good thing.

It sounds as though you judge situations in quite a black -and-white way. In all the of the examples you gave, there was a Right Side and a Wrong Side, in your view. No doubt this is sometimes the case (eg bullying), but it may not always be so.

In the case of your DH, he may have felt unhappy and frustrated. Perhaps it hurt when you wrote off his feelings as "nonsense".

You say you always call out nonsense when you see it - but that means you are always making that judgement about what's nonsense and what isn't - maybe too quickly?

Context is everything though. If you were advocating for increased taxation for better public services and your son made his comment, I'd tell him to do one. If, on the other hand, you were suggesting lowering taxation in favour of privatising utilities and services, I'd be more understanding of his sentiment.

As for your husband's midlife crisis, why would you not support someone going through this? I find this so bizarre in general when spouses are disparaging of partners seeking growth and personal development: surely we want what's best for the people in our lives, and ideally for them to grow and flourish? I'd 100% hate it if DP felt he couldn't pursue his dreams or realise a better, more fulfilling version of himself or his life, and stayed with me because he felt obliged. And vice versa. 'Our' spouses and partners are not ours to 'make things difficult for', surely? If the once shared vision of what we are looking for in each other and ourselves changes, we must embrace it. We only have one life.

Based in the info yanbu.

If i had to chose I'd rather be like you than your dh or your crap friends.

Idk what happened with your husband's MLC but you didn't support him?

My DH went out after work 3-4 nights a week, added on days to work trips for sightseeing, would turn his phone off so I couldn’t contact him, and then rewrote the history of our relationship. He had to do what was best for himself. He was working out whether he wanted to be married or not.

I said, OK, bye then. Do you want me to help you pack? I spent my days down the gym, and getting my own life in order.

I didn’t do the pick me dance.

Apparently I made it difficult for him because of the way I am. He stayed in the end.

I think there is a lot of sexism in their comments and they would (wrongly) view your comments differently if you were a man.

I also would go to the ends of the earth to stop my DC being bullied and DS should appreciate you more. You should speak to him and see exactly why he thought fit to make such vile comments about you.