AIBU - “because of how you are”

[FeelingCrapAboutMe]

I’m feeling crap about myself this morning.

Over the last couple of years I’ve had a few people say these exact words to me, “because of the way you are”. For context, I’m a middle age mum, married, 2 teens.

One was my DH. We nearly split up a while ago because he was having a MLC. I refused to put up with it, asked him to leave, I didn’t take his nonsense. He wanted to do his thing, and take his time to figure out what he wanted over time, going out and leaving me to deal with DC, but I made it difficult for him, and he couldn’t handle it “because of the way you are”. P.s. He snapped out of it.

Then, in a group of friends. Having a nice time, talked about school and then they referred to an incident when I didn’t tolerate my DC being bullied, and 2 of them referred to how I handled it, “because of the way you are”, said very negatively. FYI their DC are constantly bullied, and they do nothing.

Another incident at work recently. One of my close workmates got thrown under a bus by other colleagues. I stood up for her, and again, I’m the one who a couple of colleagues, the throwers under the bus, got upset with, saying they are upset with me “because of the way I am”.

Yesterday I got into a conversation with someone about Tax, and my son said “I’m embarrassing” and asked my DH “why did you marry her?”

I’m finding these comments really hurtful, but also I’m confused. I didn’t get to 55 and never fall out with someone by being horrible. I’ve lots of friends, I get written letters by people telling me I’m really kind!

The only thing I can think of is I’ve gained in confidence quite a lot in the past few years, or more correctly, I’m now mid 50’s and I don’t put up with any nonsense. I call it out. I never, ever start things.

I’m upset by these comments and this morning I feel like I need to be seen and not heard, and “change myself” when I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel the most comfortable and confident in myself.

YANBU - carry on
YABU - clearly I’m annoying

Good for you. You are my shero!

I'd rather be assertive and sort shit that be a doormat.

And I'll tell you something for fuck all pence.
I have never once been concerned with upsetting anyone that's not concerned about upsetting me.

So any friend 'rounding on me' would be told to go fuck themselves in very short order.
Son talking to me like that would have the taste slapped out of his chops before his sentence ended (metaphorically speaking as you're not allowed to slap kids these days...)
And some cock headed cunt having a midlife crisis?... Nah nah nah.. he can get to the far side of fuck and keep fucking all the way off until he meets his arse on the way back and then, he can fuck himself without lube.

You handled this well but are you 100% sure he didn’t have an affair?

Well done on standing up to people and standing up for yourself. Never back down. I'd honestly call your son a disrespectful shit

YANBU from me, as well, unless you're going to drip-feed that you deal with conflict by punching people out! (That also has a place, btw, but not in everyday disagreements.)

People have said similar things to me. I eventually learned it's because I tend to cut straight to the heart of an issue, while most people prefer to take a longer route. I've applied a few more filters since then, but only use them in situations where I'd prefer not to alienate the participants. It takes time and patience to do the 'gentle discovery' route and I've no interest in playing therapist to people I neither like nor need!

... It's worth noting that I am the woman others turn to when they want to get rid of an annoying or threatening individual. I'm proud of this.

I recommend reading 'Hags' by Victoria Smith- its a very insightful reflection on the shift in attitude towards women once they reach a certain age, I think you'll find relatable!

Nalafrom

I can’t be sure, but I have zero evidence of one.
There is no way I’m supporting a man who is deciding whether or not to stay with me.

I’ve supported my DH to the moon and back with his job, hobbies, anything he wants.

You sound great. All my friends are of a type that might be described as arsey - my kind of people but plenty of people take offence to a woman that speaks her mind - especially a middle aged woman - how dare you! Don't change, OP but I'd make sure to set your DS straight so that he's more respectful in the future.

Sounds to me like you dont take any shit OP, good for you!

And I recommend reading Absent in the Spring by Mary Westmacott (aka Agatha Christie) for a slightly different take.

Er, blunt and brutally honest are quite similar things...

YANBU

Obviously context is important in each situation but I'm the same as you. If a line has been crossed in my mind, I feel a tiny fire in me explode!

It's usually to defend the underdog.

I'm 50 now and have learned to tame it (a bit) and help the underdog learn to defend themselves.

My children have been bullied and that stopped quickly.

I think what's important is to curate a civilised way to navigate these situations..never be the bull in a China shop.

We need more people like us to stand up and be counted. 👏👏

If it’s any consolation I’m one of ‘those’ people too, I see things in quite a black and white way and I’ve been told I’m quite blunt. I tend to just make a decision quickly rather than umming and ahhhing over options which means when we’re in a group and (for example) and we’re trying by to decide where to eat I’ll just say ‘x place has lots of seating and varied menu so everyone can get something they can eat, let’s go there’, rather than the ‘where do you want to eat…oh I don’t mind..’ that most other people seem to do.

I think that some people don’t like it when women put themselves (or their children) first and are prepared to make a fuss rather than act like a doormat.

Carry on being yourself and ignore the rude comments!

You sound like you're not afraid to speak the truth and be direct, something a lot of people are lacking nowadays with the current cancel culture/self absorption

I do think that women get more forthright after the menopause, telling it like it is...and that it's no bad thing!

Oh no, OP! Didn't you get the memo? Little wimmin are supposed to keep quiet and put up with all sorts of nonsense? Don't you dare make a scene!

I was once on a busy train with a couple of female friends. A guy behind me was obviously rubbing himself against my bum. I turned and said - very loudly - 'please give me a bit more room; I'm sure you wouldn't want me to think you were rubbing yourself up against me.' He scurried off at the next stop. There was a very loud silence in the train and everyone studied their feet. But my friends told me off for making a scene and being embarrassing. I'm not impressed - they both have sons and no daughters.

I've had people comment on 'how I am', mostly with admiration. One employer, whose corner I was successfully fighting, said he was glad I was on his side and not against him. I pointed out that as he was reasonable and respectful I wouldn't need to be against him. I've been described as a 'breath of fresh air'.

Although I generally choose my words carefully, I have occasionally, on reflection, felt I could have been more gentle. I always apologise in those instances, even if it means I have to refer back to a situation that occurred a few days ago.

In general I have friends who are broadly similar. I don't enjoy being with people who let mistreatment of others go, nor those who allow themselves to be mistreated - I wish they had more self-respect.

Ohh I like the thought of reading these two side by side! A look outwardly at a broader perception of middle-aged women, and a reflective look inwardly at the person you've become as a middle aged woman.

Hmm. I give no fucks about “what people think”. And I don’t stand for being belittled or ignored. But I also find an awful lot of women my age to be short tempered, confrontational and passive aggressive, and when called out on it, to hide behind the “I’m direct, and say it as it is.” In my experience there’s always a third way, showing respect and empathy and not causing a scene.

surely the best way to understand what people mean when they say it, is to ask those people, rather than randoms on the internet who have never met you!
If you want to know, and are so confident I can't work out why you didn't just ask 'what do you mean, the way I am?'
they could mean absolutely anything! Even if is is referring to, e.g. being confident, sometimes the same trait can be considered a positive in some circumstances/by some people and negative by others.
For what it's worth I think you sound great, but it seems strange to be hurt by comments when you don't actually understand what was meant.

The only one I would completely ignore is your son, teenagers are built so that everything parents do is incredibly embarrassing, even the most innocuous things, even things they find cool in their friends' parents!

💯%.

What you are likely experiencing is the kind of female social conditioning that prompts so many 'was I rude?' threads on Mumsnet, as though it matters a toss if they were.

Assertiveness in women (cf. 'shrill, hysterical, bossy') often doesn't make for popularity. But it isn't necessarily a bad thing.

It's the way some people assume they can instantly and infallibly "see it as it is" that gets up my nose. What makes you so sure you've explored every aspect of a situation, taken everyone's feelings into account and judged correctly? People are complicated - problems can have deeper roots than first appears.

I have definitely got a more "bollocks to you" attitude over the last few years. Cant think how to describe it really.

I am more likely to speak out and give an opinion, whereas previously I would have probably been a bit non-commital.

So I guess if you always have been a forthright person and that aspect has been turned up, then maybe some people don't like it. But your employer does, obviously.

As long as you know you are not being unnecessarily confrontational, then I wouldn't worry about it.

Some people can't stand being stood up to especially if they think you are a pushover because you are quiet . They mean you stand up for yourself.

Being a woman is like playing life on hard mode. Being a middle aged woman means you've been playing on that mode for years, and you know a thing or two, and are so over pandering to the menz. That's why society has always feared older women - we've so many fewer fucks to give and we're battle-hardened to boot.

Because as women we aren't expected to stick up for ourselves or others and be blunt or assertive.

Fuck em. We're what strong women are like.