AIBU - “because of how you are”

[FeelingCrapAboutMe]

I’m feeling crap about myself this morning.

Over the last couple of years I’ve had a few people say these exact words to me, “because of the way you are”. For context, I’m a middle age mum, married, 2 teens.

One was my DH. We nearly split up a while ago because he was having a MLC. I refused to put up with it, asked him to leave, I didn’t take his nonsense. He wanted to do his thing, and take his time to figure out what he wanted over time, going out and leaving me to deal with DC, but I made it difficult for him, and he couldn’t handle it “because of the way you are”. P.s. He snapped out of it.

Then, in a group of friends. Having a nice time, talked about school and then they referred to an incident when I didn’t tolerate my DC being bullied, and 2 of them referred to how I handled it, “because of the way you are”, said very negatively. FYI their DC are constantly bullied, and they do nothing.

Another incident at work recently. One of my close workmates got thrown under a bus by other colleagues. I stood up for her, and again, I’m the one who a couple of colleagues, the throwers under the bus, got upset with, saying they are upset with me “because of the way I am”.

Yesterday I got into a conversation with someone about Tax, and my son said “I’m embarrassing” and asked my DH “why did you marry her?”

I’m finding these comments really hurtful, but also I’m confused. I didn’t get to 55 and never fall out with someone by being horrible. I’ve lots of friends, I get written letters by people telling me I’m really kind!

The only thing I can think of is I’ve gained in confidence quite a lot in the past few years, or more correctly, I’m now mid 50’s and I don’t put up with any nonsense. I call it out. I never, ever start things.

I’m upset by these comments and this morning I feel like I need to be seen and not heard, and “change myself” when I’ve reached a point in my life where I feel the most comfortable and confident in myself.

YANBU - carry on
YABU - clearly I’m annoying

Directness and passive aggression are polar opposites as far as I can see. If you articulate your points clearly and communicate straightforwardly then there is no need for passive aggression, which I perceive as cowardice.

The 'tell it like it is' variety are those who are needlessly unpleasant, often on some kind of personal level or when putting their own spin on a situation. No need for that, either. But neither of these things is necessarily on a par with communicating directly and assertively like adults.

But IME, there's a distinct difference in the way this behaviour is received from women as opposed to men.

I think I am blunt. However, no one has ever said that to me. I’ve been told by my manager that I’m brutally honest

Being ‘brutally honest’ isn’t a good thing.

IME it means you like the sound of your own voice and you think your opinion is the only one that matters.

I am opinionated and will stick up for someone if I feel they’re being bullied/unfairly treated but you can do it in a way that isn’t egotistical or rude.

I used to work with a woman who was quite frankly a bitch and a bit of a bully and would be called blunt and brutally honest too.

I think some women feel the need to be overly opinionated to try and prove a point.

Perhaps ask your DC what they meant and reflect on whether you have an abrasive personality and whether you are ok with that or not.

I wouldn’t care what your ex thought of you but when multiple people say the same thing then I would look within myself and try and make improvements.

I completely agree.

Many women of a certain age will be rude and nasty but hide behind the ‘I just say it how it is’ phrase.

Many of us also say it how it is, without purely being bitchy for the sake of it.

I think there is a bit of a fear of turning ‘invisible’ when they get to a certain age and it makes them perhaps feel the need to become louder and more abrasive.

There is absolutely a way to get your opinion heard and be direct without needing to be rude.

Interesting - what have women posted here that you perceive as rudeness?

Going a bit further, what do you consider ill-mannered in a woman, that would be OK for a man?

Problems ALWAYS have deeper roots than first appears. So what? When I am Empress, I'll make it compulsory for everybody to do a course of high-quality psychotherapy. Until then, 'deeper roots' aren't my problem but the resultant behaviour might be.

I have finally cut contact with someone who as she got older got more and more "Tell it like it is" and was forever "calling people out" and "not caring what others think". I'm not the only friend she's lost.

People don't like to be told in public that they have fallen short, that their opinion is wrong nor do they like to be challenged by someone who thinks they are superior, morally or intellectually - and who thinks they are the dog's bollocks for standing up for something.

The "calling out" achieves nothing - whatever you might think - and generally is met with a "Who the fuck do you think you are?" - although most people won't say that, (especially in public or at work).

And as for standing up for other people - a surprising number of people prefer to do that for themselves - in their OWN way - and are embarrassed for someone to make a scene and hence all about them.

I'm not saying that's you OP - I don't know you - but I know a number of the type I've described.

(Men do it too - and it's just as bad - but the terminology and approach is different. They are usually boorish and bullying.)

Agreed. I think this is a great response. It cuts away all the fantasy and suddenly the mystical “different life” you’re keeping them from is right there for them to take. Suddenly it’s not so exciting.

Encouraging hobbies is great but not when they’re living the single man’s life and you're still at home raising their children and washing their pants.

Your communication style sounds a bit black and white OP. That doesn't mean to say that you necessarily are that way, the fact that you are asking here probably indicates otherwise, but the fact that you seem to be sure that you could have resolved the bullying of your friends' children, could be a bit too overly confident and pushing annoyingly so, for some people .

Obviously I've just taken one example, but in my opinion it's a rather telling one.
You seem sure that the resolution of the one episode of bullying of your child was down entirely to how you dealt with the situation, and not a combination of various factors, the school, the children involved, your child's personality.
Your friends' methods, in your opinion, fell short because they were "wrong" and again, not in any way due to a combination of other things, just that they were less assertive. You also seem to feel that the therapy their children are having could have been avoided had their parents only managed to sort things better for them.

It sounds a little bit like a no nonsense " I wouldn't stand for that" sort of talk, which can be all very well and good when it comes to sorting out practical problems, when it comes to close friendships and relationships it isn't always the easiest or preferred style of communication for everyone.

Well it's hard to say. I do find in life that people don't like it if women are assertive or confrontational.

However it can tip over into rudeness. I know someone who just says what she wants when she wants and in some circumstances it's inappropriate. For example confronting people in the street or complaining in shops over minor, trivial things. Being awkward for the sake of it.

You need to ask them to elaborate.
Tell them they aren't giving you enough information and they need to explain what they mean. Vague statements tell you nothing. You need details.

I think you might be coming across as aggressive. When people find their confidence and start to assert their boundaries later in life they can be a little too assertive and blunt in how they go about it.

I’ve been told by my manager that I’m brutally honest

This does make it sound like you've possibly upset your manager or your colleagues, which could impact you quite negatively in the future. Maybe aim for "kindly honest" instead.

Bloody hell.

OP's full quote was: "I’ve been told by my manager that I’m brutally honest, and that it’s refreshing and that no one else will say what they really mean. In fact they ask me to go to open feedback meetings as they know I’ll pipe up whilst others say nothing."

So many people determined to make a positive look negative! What's up, critics, are you all weedy be-kind cowards who never say what they think? Do an assertiveness course!

One of many things you will learn on your assertiveness course is ... that dragging others down will make your life harder, not better.

It sounds like you have strong boundaries and are prepared to enforce them. If only more people were like this, the world would be easier to navigate. Why should you tolerate other people's bollocks to your own detriment? I bet that wouldn't be said to a man, it has misogynistic undertones. As to your son's comments, that needs nipping in the bud. Did your husband pull him up on that?

We would get on very well. I like blunt people who speak up and give proper feedback at work. Better than the mimsy borogroves who pussyfoot around not saying anything.
As for your CF DH, you did the right thing there too.

Lots of ageist comments on this thread, I might add, but then MN is absiolutely chock full of that.

You sound fabulous OP. Some people don't like forthright or assertive. 'Because of who you are' take it as a compliment.

I do hope your DH stuck up for you. Your son was incredibly rude to you.

Also how old is your son?Because teens usually find their mums embarassing,and even more embarassing if we stand up for ourselves in any way. They would prefer if it we were seen not heard.

Sounds to me like you are someone that enforces their boundaries. This is a good thing.

I don't know - all these women saying they increasingly "give no fucks" as they get older. I feel the opposite. The longer I live, the more it seems like every situation is so nuanced, so many layers of feeling in the simplest utterance, so much going on, and the more I want to stop time and work on understanding it all.

Part of this is biological. The nurturing hormone oestrogen plummets, so women feel less of a need to take care of everyone. A good thing too, otherwise OP would be putting up with DH flitting in and out, pleasing himself.

It’s because you don’t take any shit. I get the same in my family. My mum says I have an attitude problem and yet who does she insist care for her, me or my sisters and brother? You guessed it.

Women are supposed to put themselves last.

This, I suspect, is nothing to do with sexism (despite what a lot of folk here are telling you).

Neurotypicals generally hate honesty, much less brutal honesty. I'm autistic, and I learned that very early on; just about every autistic person who's managed to navigate their way to mid-life without a diagnosis has also done so, and those of us who couldn't get there have suffered the obvious consequence: being completely ostracised.

Whether you're ND or not, this is obviously a lesson that you haven't learned; I don't say that as an insult at all, just an observation. Everything you've presented here makes you the hero of your life, you do everything for everyone else and all you get is criticism, but you continue helping everyone...so you're completely confused as to why the criticism keeps on coming.

Here's the thing: you say you're brutally honest. The problem is the first part "brutal", meaning that you continue with it whether it hurts others' feelings or not. There are just two possibilities: either you're wilfully oblivious to the fact that you're hurting those people, or you simply don't care.

That's just not a nice thing to do to people. It makes them stop liking you.

If you want that to change, then you have to do the hard thing instead: find ways to communicate honestly that don't alienate everybody you know. I have to do that every day, in every conversation I have, against my own nature...and it's exhausting; however, I do so because I know that a) I don't like hurting other people's feelings, and b) I prefer the social success that comes with that approach, versus the abject social failure that comes with unmasking. I've experienced both, and it's clear which is the least stressful for me overall.

If you don't want that to change, continue as you are - but you have to accept the consequence, and get used to the fact that the people closest to you will always eventually start going to great lengths to avoid having you present at events of importance in order to prevent you from torpedoing their relationships with others with your brutal honesty.

Please note that I'm not saying any of this in judgement of you or what you've said here; living that way is a perfectly valid choice (and many seem to choose it proudly these days), but my point is just that: it is a choice.

I think you sound great

Team, you've all had a chance to review the new project, what are your comments?

Team member: The project aligns with the stated objectives, achieving compliance with the defined metrics. However, a thorough cost-benefit analysis reveals significant financial inefficiencies. Additionally, the initiative is plagued by subpar market research, lacking comprehensive data analytics and customer insights necessary for informed decision-making. This oversight underscores an enhanced requirement for strategic planning and risk assessment to minimise potential misalignment with core business goals.

Furthermore, the projected ROI is negligible, suggesting the endeavour may struggle to generate stakeholder engagement and buy-in from key personnel with potential resistance to implementation. The feasibility study appears superficial, with little granularity on the project's scalability and sustainability. Overall, the initiative, while compliant with the given objectives, may prove an imprudent allocation of capital and resources and I'd suggest further examination prior to commitments.

OP: Nice idea but it's expensive, badly researched, and nobody's explained how it's supposed to make money.

I know which I'd choose 😂 More time for after-meeting coffee!

I don’t think the statement ‘because of how you are’ needs to be negative. Are these people necessarily criticising? Or at least - are all of them being critical?

But I do agree with this:

“zaxxon · Yesterday 17:45
It sounds as though you judge situations in quite a black -and-white way. In all the of the examples you gave, there was a Right Side and a Wrong Side, in your view. No doubt this is sometimes the case (eg bullying), but it may not always be so.

In the case of your DH, he may have felt unhappy and frustrated. Perhaps it hurt when you wrote off his feelings as "nonsense".

You say you always call out nonsense when you see it - but that means you are always making that judgement about what's nonsense and what isn't - maybe too quickly?”

I’m 55 - I’m loving being post-menopausal. I feel incredibly powerful.

But it strikes me that you have lots of examples where you’re right and the other protagonists are wrong. Perhaps the position is more nuanced than you’re seeing it. And perhaps a more diplomatic approach would be more effective, at least some of the time?