Parents complaining about not being invited to wedding

[redheadnamedabigale]

I'm getting married on the 22nd of August, I sent the invites out a few weeks ago. I don't speak to my parents alone anymore as they're alcoholics and were incredibly toxic growing up, but I do occasionally visit their house because my older sister Ava (who basically raised me) still lives with them, as well as her 15 year old daughter who I will just call V.

I invited both Ava and V to my wedding, but not my parents. On their invitations, I said they could each bring a plus-one if desired. Ava RSVPed and said V would attend with her girlfriend. Ava has known V's girlfriend for several years before they started dating, and has always been supportive. I've also known her girlfriend, and she's a very sweet girl and V is very happy with her. My parents don't know about her girlfriend and V has said in the past she doesn't plan on telling them. They aren't necessarily homophobic, but they're quite skeptical.

After seeing Ava and V get invited, my parents tried to ring me (while I was working, so it went straight to voicemail.) They left a message wondering why they weren't invited, which I didn't respond to simply because I didn't know what to say.

The argument started when I went over to the house to see Ava and V yesterday. My parents came home early from the pub, were surprised to see me, and started chatting excitedly about the wedding (as if they were invited.) They then told me about a "plan" they worked out together where one of them goes as Ava's plus-one, and the other goes as V's. I thought the idea was ridiculous, and they should really take the hint that they're not invited. They saw the look on our faces and asked what the problem was, since neither of them had plus-ones. Ava asked them (seriously) how they would know that, but they assumed she was joking. Eventually V said she was bringing her girlfriend (my parents know her by name but they think she's just a friend.) They called V disrespectful and said she shouldn't put her friends ahead of her grandparents. Soon after they went upstairs because they were drunk and tired, so I hoped they'd forget about the argument by the morning. Which they did, but they still sent me a voicemail repeating their "plan" and Lord knows how they're nagging at V and Ava (Neither have messaged me yet).

Your parents your wedding your choice.

personally I think it’s bizarre that you still go to their house etc but claim to not speak to them. Do they even realise you’ve gone nc with them.

in any event you wouldn’t be alone with them at the wedding.

Why haven’t you made it clear to them they are not invited?

The lack of invitation isn’t clear?? Toxic manipulators don’t care how clear you are, they will still try and wangle it.

Toxic and manipulative as they are, they are clearly making plans to attend and neither the bride nor the sister or niece are telling them explicitly they can’t come. It’s exactly because they are manipulative that I would not be relying on subtleties and waiting for them to forget and would be making it very clear they are not coming.

No, they don't seem to even know the definition of no contact. I only go over when they're out of the house so the only time they see me is on the way out.

I think you need to straight up tell them they aren’t invited or they’ll keep putting pressure on Ava and v until they cave and come as plus ones. I do think you probably shouldn’t have given them invitations that your parents could read/ access. Kinda asking for trouble if they know about it all

I agree you need to tell your parents they're not welcome as plus ones because you don't want them there. It's not fair on your sister and niece to be pressured into taking them.

You need to tell them clearly they aren’t invited and why, not just hope they forget about it (they won’t). As PP have said, they also probably don’t realise you are ‘nc’ with them since you are frequently round their house!

Why didn't you tell them they are not invited?

In all honest you have to be very clear with your parents that they are not invited. You hardly speak to them anyway so it's not like you have to deal with the fallout. Plus by telling them they are not invited, it gives your sister and niece a chance to bring their plus ones without the stress of your parents harassing them to be made their plus ones. But at the same time your parents aren't stupid and clearly know they aren't invited but are trying to manipulate you because they know your too scared to tell them directly they aren't invited so this is why you need to get the strength and tell them. If you can't tell them alone why doesn't your fiance either go with you to tell them in person or phone on your behalf if you can't tell them and tell them for you? Either way this is your opportunity to take on the strength you need and be direct and honest with your parents. Yes this will open a can of worms that probably need to be opened and you will probably need to share why you are not close, do not see them and how their alcoholism has had a terrible impact on your up bringing etc. Maybe even start by asking them if they know why they never received an invite? To be honest, to have saved yourself and your family this hassle you should of just invited Ava and V and that's it on the invites and then told them in person they could bring plus ones and it would have saved all this hassle. But my advice, just be honest with your parents!

You need to just tell them.

Do you they know you have gone little/no contact?

I am not sure why you don’t just tell them they aren’t invited. It’s not for your sister or niece to put them off their plan.

and I probably wouldn’t be going to their house. And I would concerned about the teenager having to be around them all the time and having to deal with the arguments.

Ava and V are now in a terrible position, how long are they going to have to put up with the drunken nagging? I hope the wedding is soon.
They would have been better to keep quiet about their invites, or for you to have just invited just them and no plus ones.

Tell Ava and V that unfortunately numbers have been changed by the venue and unfortunately plus ones which have not already accepted in writing very sadly have to be withdrawn. Put this in writing if necessary.

Tell V that her girlfriend will be specifically invited nearer the time when, miraculously, some people drop out.

Be clear to Ava and V that they must not on any account discuss any further details of the wedding with your parents and, ideally, stop seeing both at your parents house until after the wedding (can’t they come to you?). I’m pretty amazed they didn’t think to keep quiet about this anyway- what did you all think would happen? You might also want to get someone to be on the door- if your parents know where it is then sounds like there’s a chance they will try to come anyway so you need to decide what to do if they just turn up.

Thank you for your suggestion, I'll definitely message them saying just that.

You're gonna have to bite the bullet op and tell them they aren't invited and you don't want to see them again. Dropping hints and hoping they get the message isnt working , it's also putting your sister and her daughter right in the middle of your argument which is unfair. Stop going to their house, meet your sister and niece somewhere else. You are sending mixed messages.

Send Vs girlfriend the invite with a plus 1 and Eva an invite for 1. Realistically they now know when and where it is and will come regardless. It sounds like that’s who they are.

@redheadnamedabigale I don't think you should be entering their home if you're NC with them. It's disrespectful and giving them false hope.

See your sister and niece away from the house. Message your parents and say they are not invited and may not come as plus ones. Ask your sister and niece not to discuss wedding details with them.

Can't your sister and her daughter come to your house to visit? Why do you need to go to your parents house to see them?

Withdraw the plus ones (say you've over invited to parents if necessary), send V's gf an invite, ask Ava who she wants to bring and send them an invite. Then parents can't come and can't bully.

It kind of reads like you haven't told them theyre not invited? I think you need to tell them bluntly, especially if your niece is coming out to them just to try and help you keep them out of the wedding. (if I've followed correctly).

This is all very outing for you OP. You might want to get it deleted because someone is bound to recognise you.

@Stel83 - there is no need to re-post the entire op in oder to give an answer. Have you noticed how no one else has done that on the thread? It would be impossible to use Mumsnet if every poster quoted the op before making a reply.

If you want to be absolutely precise about who you are replying to (the default is always the op) you can tag them by typing @ and their username , as I have done with you above @Stel83 .

Cancel the plus-one's,your 15yo niece does not need one, and sister has not mentioned one; and stop going to your parents house if you don't want to see them.

It was unfair of you to put Ava and, more importantly, V in that position where they had to explain circumstances rather than being an adult and explaining that your parents aren’t invited at all, as plus ones or otherwise. Personally I think it’s very unreasonable to be going to their home while being ‘no contact’, that’s not helpful and will lead to obvious confusion.

You've muddied the waters here by still going to their house. This needs to stop if you truly mean you want to go NC because that's not what's happening at the moment. Your parents might be complete twats who don't deserve contact with you but right now you're not giving them that message and that's no good for anyone involved.

The plus one idea was a bit naive in the circumstances because it does open up the possibility of attendees you don't want even in the best of situations. You probably need to withdraw this and just say named guests only. You've put your sister and niece in an awkward position.