Parents complaining about not being invited to wedding

[redheadnamedabigale]

I'm getting married on the 22nd of August, I sent the invites out a few weeks ago. I don't speak to my parents alone anymore as they're alcoholics and were incredibly toxic growing up, but I do occasionally visit their house because my older sister Ava (who basically raised me) still lives with them, as well as her 15 year old daughter who I will just call V.

I invited both Ava and V to my wedding, but not my parents. On their invitations, I said they could each bring a plus-one if desired. Ava RSVPed and said V would attend with her girlfriend. Ava has known V's girlfriend for several years before they started dating, and has always been supportive. I've also known her girlfriend, and she's a very sweet girl and V is very happy with her. My parents don't know about her girlfriend and V has said in the past she doesn't plan on telling them. They aren't necessarily homophobic, but they're quite skeptical.

After seeing Ava and V get invited, my parents tried to ring me (while I was working, so it went straight to voicemail.) They left a message wondering why they weren't invited, which I didn't respond to simply because I didn't know what to say.

The argument started when I went over to the house to see Ava and V yesterday. My parents came home early from the pub, were surprised to see me, and started chatting excitedly about the wedding (as if they were invited.) They then told me about a "plan" they worked out together where one of them goes as Ava's plus-one, and the other goes as V's. I thought the idea was ridiculous, and they should really take the hint that they're not invited. They saw the look on our faces and asked what the problem was, since neither of them had plus-ones. Ava asked them (seriously) how they would know that, but they assumed she was joking. Eventually V said she was bringing her girlfriend (my parents know her by name but they think she's just a friend.) They called V disrespectful and said she shouldn't put her friends ahead of her grandparents. Soon after they went upstairs because they were drunk and tired, so I hoped they'd forget about the argument by the morning. Which they did, but they still sent me a voicemail repeating their "plan" and Lord knows how they're nagging at V and Ava (Neither have messaged me yet).

@LindorDoubleChoc ok...hear your instructions loud and clear

I think that you need to send them one clear message saying that they aren’t invited to the wedding. I know that it’s hard to do but to have any chance of excluding them on the day this needs to be clear. You can do IIt kindly but it needs to be done.

Thanks for your message on my voicemail. I am really flattered that you are so enthusiastic about my wedding, and it means a lot that you wish me well. I do want to make it clear that this plus one plan won’t work because you aren’t invited. I know it’s hard to hear but the reason for this is that when you drink it gets out of hand and I feel very uncomfortable with that at my wedding. Please don’t ask again. I’ll send you some photos and a piece of cake. All the best,

I think you're the one who doesn't know the definition of no contact.

Don't go to the house of two people you are supposedly no contact with, even if you think they'll be out.

If you were actually no contact with your parents, there wouldn't have been an opportunity for them to start talking about their "plan" to be your sister and niece's plus ones to your wedding.

Why didn't you say, "If I wanted you to come to my wedding I'd have invited you"?

You need to tell your parents very firmly that they are not invited, so there's no room for ambiguity, and then deal with any fallout. Or invite them and hope for the best. Those are really the only options.

PS - are you no contact with them because they gave you the initials "ASS"? 😁

I agree with this. You've put your DSis and DN in a very awkward position and you should apologise to them.

You need to tell your parents they are not invited, tell them you are nc and stop going to their house. I know it's easier said than done but you can't reason with someone that is drunk so stop trying.

So this no contact business - do your parents know about it? As they see you coming and going from their house. It seems to me you make these decisions ( no contact, no invites to the wedding), but you don’t tell anyone. Why won’t you tell them directly instead of putting your young niece and your sister in this position?

However horrible your parents were/are, you can’t claim to be ‘no contact’ while swanning in and out of their house. That’s plain rude. Clearly your sister doesn’t hate them as she lives with them. She also owes them a debt of gratitude for allowing her and her daughter to share their home. Seems to me that you are putting your sister and niece in an awkward position by not inviting your parents and allowing them to believe they are coming. If you don’t want your parents at your wedding, you should tell them yourself and stop visiting their home.

Don't do this. Don't tell lies and don't put Ava and V under pressure. Just write to your parents and say they are not invited to the wedding because you don't want them there, and they are not allowed to attend as Ava or V's +1. Under no circumstances will they be allowed to attend if they turn up.

As soon as I read about the plus one invites I knew where this was going. In future you need to think of issues like this. Your sister and niece are in awkward positions now dealing with nagging from your parents. Like others say you need to lay things down to stop this.

they had just come back from the pub,
they knew they werent invited, thus they were planning on going as a plus 1

cancel the plus 1 as said already.

I never invited my parents to my wedding, not even verbally. It's naturally assumed parents will be there unless otherwise stated, even LC ones.

Tell them they are not invited. Explicitly. Don't fudge around with the wedding numbers or plus ones. Even alcoholics deserve the truth otherwise you are starting to behave like them.

Stop going to their house. You meet your sister and niece elsewhere or they come to you. It's extremely rude to go to a person's house but be NC with them, I can't believe your gall actually.

Just tell your parents they can't come. As soon as I read plus one I knew what was going to happen.
Was there a reason why you didn't just give the invite but sent it to the house? My BIL was not invited to my wedding so I sent my sisters invite to my parents house so there was no chance of him finding out where we were getting married.
You don't need to lie or make your sister lie just say they can't come (and then actually go no contact if that's what you want). Don't go to their house and don't engage in conversations. I'd also charge my phone number because at the moment it sounds like you are in contact.

My sister is the one who owns the house.

You need to tell them straight up that they are not invited.

Also tell them if they turn up anyway that they will be stopped from entering.

You could say that only people with an invitation will be allowed to enter.

Is the reception in the same place as the ceremony as they may make their way to the reception if they can’t get in to the ceremony.

All the best and I hope everything works out for you on the day.

It's my sister's home. She owns it.

You need to tell them out right that they're not invited, and probably warn Ava and V that you're doing so so they can make themselves scarce if they want.

Most parents expect to be welcome at their child's wedding, so if they aren't (and it sounds like there's good reason for that so no judgement) you need to be specific.

Ava and V really risk being put in the middle here, and I doubt vagueness will help them.

Be aware that if they turn up at the legal wedding ceremony (if in UK) they cannot be refused entry. All weddings have to be open to all so objections can be made to the marriage.

Why are you meeting your sister and niece at your parents house all the time?
Have them over to you or meet in public.

There's zero reason for you to be at that house, surely?

She might own it but it's their home. They live there. You can't go NC with just part of a house but still visit. Stop going until they no longer live there. You are creating a toxic environment for everyone by doing that.

Still no idea why you go there if your parents live there...

The whole point of NC is first to protect yourself and second to protect those around from the even worse fall out from prolonged contact.

Because you still go to where they live, because you haven't laid down clear rules about what may or may not be discussed with them, because you acknowledge their existence in any way they still have access to you and are able to damage your relationship with your sister in the process.

When I went NC with my "mother" I also had to fall out with my dad. Even though they'd separated he still was telling me everything about her and her everything about me. I had to put a stop to that.and whilst my dad still can't put her down we have a happier relationship because we know where we stand. Absolutely nothing of her life except her death or any possible harm to him is to pass his lips to me and the same about me to her.

You may be able to salvage this but there will probably be some hurt on all sides before you get there.

@redheadnamedabigale you need to woman up and tell them directly that they are not invited to the wedding and cannot come. Don’t make up stories or discuss plus ones. Just tell them. Then do not discuss it again.

you sound like you might benefit from stronger boundaries, and this book is great

Unfortunately you put your sister and niece in a difficult position in that they ended up being the ones having to say ‘no’ to your parents.

You need to be clear and direct and tell your parents that they have not been and will not be invited to the wedding and it isn’t A and V’s decision. And yes, tell them there are no ‘plus ones’. (But invite V’s gf in her own right).

Keep repeating they are not welcome, dripping tap style. Talk to Ava and V to check they are OK dealing with the coercion they will encounter. Talk to some trusted friends and family members and/or your venue about how the situation will be dealt with should they turn up. Have someone on hand to tell them to leave who is prepared to call the police if necessary. If the ceremony is in a public building you may have no choice about them turning up for that, as provided they behave, I don't think you can stop them being in a church for example.

You probably just need to go ‘mum, dad, I do not want you at my wedding’. Give reasons if they insist. All hell may break loose for a while but you put a stop to this silly situation and if it results in a permanent falling-out, it would be to your benefit, right?