Parents complaining about not being invited to wedding

[redheadnamedabigale]

I'm getting married on the 22nd of August, I sent the invites out a few weeks ago. I don't speak to my parents alone anymore as they're alcoholics and were incredibly toxic growing up, but I do occasionally visit their house because my older sister Ava (who basically raised me) still lives with them, as well as her 15 year old daughter who I will just call V.

I invited both Ava and V to my wedding, but not my parents. On their invitations, I said they could each bring a plus-one if desired. Ava RSVPed and said V would attend with her girlfriend. Ava has known V's girlfriend for several years before they started dating, and has always been supportive. I've also known her girlfriend, and she's a very sweet girl and V is very happy with her. My parents don't know about her girlfriend and V has said in the past she doesn't plan on telling them. They aren't necessarily homophobic, but they're quite skeptical.

After seeing Ava and V get invited, my parents tried to ring me (while I was working, so it went straight to voicemail.) They left a message wondering why they weren't invited, which I didn't respond to simply because I didn't know what to say.

The argument started when I went over to the house to see Ava and V yesterday. My parents came home early from the pub, were surprised to see me, and started chatting excitedly about the wedding (as if they were invited.) They then told me about a "plan" they worked out together where one of them goes as Ava's plus-one, and the other goes as V's. I thought the idea was ridiculous, and they should really take the hint that they're not invited. They saw the look on our faces and asked what the problem was, since neither of them had plus-ones. Ava asked them (seriously) how they would know that, but they assumed she was joking. Eventually V said she was bringing her girlfriend (my parents know her by name but they think she's just a friend.) They called V disrespectful and said she shouldn't put her friends ahead of her grandparents. Soon after they went upstairs because they were drunk and tired, so I hoped they'd forget about the argument by the morning. Which they did, but they still sent me a voicemail repeating their "plan" and Lord knows how they're nagging at V and Ava (Neither have messaged me yet).

1)It all became complicated when your sister & niece told your parents about your wedding. If you were truely nc they would not know.

2. never argue/discuss anything when they have come back from the pub. The booze will enable them to keep the conversation in circles for hours until they grind you down & you tell them what they want.

3. stop going to their home

It doesn't matter who owns it. You can't be NC with someone whilst going to the house they live in.

They left a message wondering why they weren't invited, which I didn't respond to simply because I didn't know what to say.

Say what you said here. They're toxic alcoholics and you don't want them there. According to you your relationship with them is over so just tell them straight they're not invited.

There’s a distinct lack of direct, clear communication. Agree with others that you need to tell them directly they’re not invited, that you want no contact with them and not visit their home (they live at your sister’s house). I’m sure your sister and niece will visit you in yours or meet up elsewhere.

🤣🤣 I thought this too

I fully respect that your parents have caused you a lot of trauma and if you wish not to have them present at your wedding that is your right of course.

That said will you not consider at least the ceremony only?

If the answer is no, you need to be upfront. Bad parents or no, they deserve to be told explicitly where they stand and why. Like it or not, weddings are considered a major family milestone and an invite a mark of standing and respect (I honestly think we need to get away from all this milarky regarding the formal legal binding together of two people but such is how it is) so regardless of whether their heads are completely fudged with alcohol, and regardless of their complete lack of accountability and responsibility, they are likely to still feel hurt and snubbed by your decision, so tell them clearly.

Despite your OP I feel you have been having at least some interaction with them during visits for them to still have the expectation of coming. It's clear they have no clue that you have any deeply rooted antipathy towards them.

OP seems to be copping a lot of flak when all she hasn’t done (that she should) is be explicitly clear that they aren’t invited and aren’t welcome to attend the wedding. That needs to be crystal clear.

Her parents clearly know they aren’t invited anyway, otherwise they wouldn’t be working out a strategy of coming as plus ones. Their attempt to do that says it - it’s done to try to be clever and get one over the OP. It’s not some innocent misunderstanding.

If my daughter didn’t want me at her wedding, I’d want to understand her concerns. I wouldn’t try to get in by the back door and then gloat about it.

The whole contact / no contact thing is a red herring. OP only sees them in passing and doesn’t want them there. No other reason is needed.

I feel so sorry for your sister and neice.

This is what happens when you aren’t straight with people.

You are making it more difficult for yourself and your sister and DN.

Stop pussy footing around and own your decision.

Agree with PP in that your boundaries sound very flimsy. If you are serious about being NC with your parents, and it sounds like you have your reasons, then you need to mean it. Stop going to the place where they live, meet the family members elsewhere.

Be honest with yourself, do you enjoy snubbing your parents? If you want to end this drama with them you need to either find a way to forgive them or take going NC or LC seriously and not play games with them, it's not good for you.

You need to clearly tell your parents yourself that they are not invited to the wedding, even as plus ones.

You are using your sister and niece and putting them in a shitty situation by expecting them to communicate for you.
I’d be very upset with you if I was in their position.

I think the only thing you can do is be honest and explain they aren’t invited and you don’t want them there. By ignoring their voicemail and listening to their plan, it’s clear they haven’t ’taken the hint’ and you’ll now need to be direct.

I know you’re visiting your sister and niece but if you want to be NC with your parents then I’d probably suggest they go to your house or you meet elsewhere.

You don't really seem to know the definition of no contact either?

And your sister/V haven't helped by letting your parents see the invitations. Surely one of you must have anticipated that your parents might be upset at not being invited?

i think it's you that doesn't know the definition of NC, to be honest.

The more you go to their house, the more you speak to them, the more the relationship survives. Explain once and finally that they are not invited to the wedding. You need to take the bull by the horns and explain once and for all that you want no contact, then block from your phone etc.

And then stop going round there. Difficult because of your sister, but if you don't want to give them hope, then you have to stop. It isn't fair on your parents for one, and leads to stupid situations like this.

In a lot of families, wedding invitations would not be sent to immediate family as the assumption would be that they would be going anyway or in the past the bride’s parents would have been hosting/sending the invitations out.

If you don’t want your parents there you need to say that to them very clearly.

In your OP you described as ‘their house’ (your parents’ house) and said your sister ‘still lives with them’ , which is odd & misleading phrasing if your parents have moved in with your sister. I agree that it sounds as if you want to hurt your parents because you are angry about your childhood. You are entitled not to invite them but you need to be clear, and not put your sister and niece in such an awkward position.

So your OP is wrong? And you don't go to your house and your sister doesn't "still live with them"?

They don't know you've gone NC with them because you simply haven't. No wonder everyone is confused. You're putting your sister in a tricky position here and should tell them they're not invited.

So it’s gone from ‘I visit their house because my sister still lives with them’

to ’I sometimes still see them and I visit my sister and niece in their house and my parents live with them’

Thats quite a difference.

But I can’t believe they are alcoholics, might react badly to your niece having a girlfriend, argumentative, turn up drunk and roll themselves to bed and your sister is allowing them to grow up in such a situations or that your sister isn’t annoyed at you for putting them in such a position.

At least when the story was that she lived with them, I would ah thought there was a really good reason she did. Like your sister had a health condition or something.

But honestly this all sounds toxic and you and making up stories so they don’t come to your wedding, putting your niece in the position of having to tell them they couldn’t come with her as she already had a plus one, putting your sister in that position rather than being very clear, is making things worse