Can I refuse a work leaving gift?

[MyOliveDuck]

I work in a massive Corporate company. Today I left my role and start a new (internal) job on Monday. Have worked in this position for 3 years and it has made me ill. Having had no support from any manager (have been through 9 changes of management in 3 years), I have built the job to what it is. At the beginning of 2024, I had a breakdown (work related) and took 5 weeks medical leave. On my return, it took 9 weeks for my manager to complete a return to work assessment, and none of the OH recommendations have been carried out. My mid year PDR was due to be completed by June, but the interim manager took holiday and has not done this despite me leaving the role.
I am thrilled to be starting my new job and the opportunities this also brings. I have also worked really hard to be in the position I am about to be. I look on the last 3 years fondly and appreciate the work I have put in. The company does not. I left today without a word of thanks which really hurts (considering I have made myself ill working over and beyond for a job which has not been recognised). I have heard from a colleague that there was a collection and card going round, but as I have not received 1 phonecall, word of "goodbye and good luck" or words to that effect, a card seems irrelevant. I start the new job on Monday and if there is a card/gift suspect the manager will use this opportunity to build their profile (my new job is near the company MD and it would be good for them to be "seen" to give a gift). Am I being unreasonable to reject a leaving gift? How do I even do this? If a gift was meant with genuine intent, it should have been given on the day of leaving, not after. AIBU? Has anyone rejected a leaving gift?

Thank you for the update, OP.
Good that you reconsidered about the gift.

I hope you will like your new job!

Accept the gift.

Anything else will look bitter and unhinged. And you don’t need those words swirling around you.

I left a leaving present from me at my last job, a box of chocolates and a card that said "sorry for your loss"

That it’s really odd what you’re suggesting! Be normal and accept the gift ???

That was definitely worth leaving. Did you leave it where everyone could see it was left behind?

I had a job where I was bullied and treated differently/unfairly in comparison to colleagues of a similar grade/experience but from a different training background; all the while I was doing overtime back at my old organisation who picked up how unhappy I was so asked me to interview for a promotion compared to why I had been before I moved. Got the job and, when I handed in my notice, I told the head of department that I didn’t give permission for them to let anyone know that I was leaving. I had annual leave for 2 weeks at the end of the rota and was gone before the new one was published to staff so, they only knew when my name no longer appeared in the list of staff.

I did get a few texts expressing surprise that I had moved on and said nothing; a couple of people asked the manager to forward good luck cards on to me (which I received via HR along with my P45) but not one word from those who had ‘marked my card’ Wasngood as it meant I didn’t have to feign happiness at being presented a card filled with fake platitudes and a gift from the on site shop (most people leaving got logo’d mug, teddy, notebook/journal type things included in their leaving gifts) nor did I have to go to an excruciating afternoon tea on my last day!

OP if you refuse to accept the gift you will lose control of the narrative. Manager will return to former colleagues and tell them you are a moody bitch or an ungrateful one. Word will get around the company and you really won’t be able to do anything about it. No way will they say that they understand your position.
Hope you enjoy your new position and are appreciated

in most places contributions are anonymous aren't they?
therefore if you reject the gift manager won't really be able to give everyone their money back, and if they are that much of a twat might not even try to. Do you really want them to get a free gift themselves?

Rejecting the gift isn't saying anything to your ex-manager, they might not have even contributed to it if the relationship is that bad. But it will be a very insulting to your ex-colleagues who it doesn't sound like you have any issue with? Not to mention it will make a terrible first impression for your new colleagues.

Doesn't mean you have to gush over it though. A polite smile and a 'say thanks to the team,' (rather than thanking them directly!) is all that's needed, followed by a 'better get back to work, don't want to be seen standing around chatting on my first day.'

Just take the higher ground and gracefully accept any gifts and cards. You will be into your new job within a few weeks and wonder how you stuck your last post out for so long. Please don't worry about it and good luck in your new job. Well done you!

You never, ever know when you might come across someone from your past in your future. Rise above and leave well. You will only look bad if you don't - grossly unfair, given this history, I know. But to do anything but be gracious here will reflect poorly on you, not them.

When you're established in the new role, you will have plenty of opportunities to politely make it clear if there are legitimate business grounds not to send chances the old employer's way - after all, who knows better than you, what their strengths and weaknesses are?

You won't win by doing anything but smiling, nodding and moving on. The best revenge, as they say, is success.