How to forgive myself for how I used to be

[TheBonny]

Hi all. I'm 31 and a single mum of two lovely girls (10 and 4yrs old). Neither of my girls were planned, and neither has an involved father in their life (their choice). This is something I carry deep shame about. I know people must judge when they hear of my situation, amplified by the fact that I do not currently work as my youngest daughter has special needs. I would of loved the traditional family, and in all honesty, I still feel a pang of sadness when I see others with it. I've struggled a lot over the past decade. I was only 21 when I had my first, I couldn't keep a tidy and clean house, I couldn't manage money, I fell in to rent arrears. I couldn't cook. I looked an absolute mess and took no pride in my appearance. Everything just felt so much all of the time. I wasn't a great mum. Fast forward to now and last year I decided enough was enough and I moved 4 hours away to an area where I knew nobody to start a new life, cut all ties with my old life where we were so unhappy and I am proud to say that has been a success and my girls and I have never been happier. I have literally turned every area of my life around. My house is clean and tidy, I've learnt to manage money, all my bills are paid and I'm even saving some. I take pride in my appearance everyday and really enjoy it actually. I am my daughter's biggest advocate and they are both thriving .. We have met so many amazing people and made new friends and had so many adventures over this past year. It was a massive decision and something I'm really proud of. I did it by myself and if the people in my "old" life could see me now then they would be really surprised. So, why can't I shake this feeling inside of me that I'm an "imposter"? That this isn't how I really am, and that deep down I'm just some scummy mum. We can't change the past so I would love to know how to move on from that in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, J. X

You are not scummy. You’ve done a great job and should be proud of yourself. Well done for turning things around. It can’t have been easy

I think you’ve already moved on, you’ve been doing this for a year.

This is who you really are now, no imposter, just a new life ahead - enjoy it.

You're not an imposter. You've given yourself a fresh start.

You were always this person. This is who you are.

But life throws stuff at us and we lose sight of ourselves and get stuck in a rut.

So do not feel guilty. Feel proud that you sorted it all out and let your true light shine 💐

Just keep going. You're amazing but it'll take a long time for your brain to really accept it. Give yourself time and remember to talk to yourself positively.

You are doing amazing and you have every right to be proud. I was actually in a discussion about “imposter syndrome” recently, and it’s a tough thing to overcome. Most of us experience it to some degree in a variety of ways, I know I do.

Keep reminding yourself that you are capable, strong and resilient, that you are a perfectly imperfect human being and that you are deserving and worthy of everything positive that you have made happen for yourself and your family. Tell yourself these things anytime you have those feelings of doubt or shame creeping in.
It’s ok to have compassion and acceptance for your past too - that was all just part of the journey you are on. We learn and grow from our past.

You sound like a very strong, capable, and loving mother. I don’t judge you. I don’t judge any mothers. We are all trying our best, which is always the best.

You grew up and recognized the need to change and you should be very proud of who you are now.

Something or someone where you used to live was bringing you down. Maybe it was family who assumed you weren’t going to get anywhere. Maybe it was places that reminded you of bad habits and bad times.

whatever it was, you made an active choice to go somewhere else and turn over a new leaf. That’s a brave and fabulous solution that you worked out and chose to follow through with.

well done. You’re no imposter.

It was a lesson, not a life sentence! You learned from it. Now let go and move on.

You sound like a really lovely mum and should feel super proud of the role model you’ve become for your daughters.

Such an uplifting OP thank you for sharing, time is a great healer - hopefully as you continue in your new life the imposter feelings will reduce

The parent who stays and does the child rearing is the admirable parent. You're showing up, doing the job every day. That's what matters.

I think you need some positive mantras.

You sound like a pretty bloody amazing woman to me! Just look at what you've achieved after such a difficult start! Cut yourself some slack OP and ditch the shame - just remember you're the one who stuck around to raise your girls and their fathers are the ones who should be ashamed.

I feel like if you could understand why you were like that - it would help you accept it. And once you do that you can move on.

firstly, I would like to say that there are a lot of women who suffer from imposter syndrome and feel like they are frauds in a life where they are living successfully. So perhaps you are struggling with that?

Modern studies have shown that we don’t mature into adults until much later than previously thought, around 25. You were very young when you got pregnant, and you were a single mum in a financially difficult situation. You did the best you could!

Babies don’t like to sleep, your next child had special needs and it must’ve been difficult for the three of you. Even if you were financially and physically well rested, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut - house wise and with personal care.

when you could do better, you did better .

you did a great job. You’re doing a great job.

You just grew up OP and the you now is the rightful adult you. Don't look back, always own what you've achieved and look forward x

At 21 you weren’t really an adult, but you are now.

Instead of feeling shame about your old life, you should be super proud of your current life and how you've turned things around all by yourself! It must have taken a lot of courage and effort. Go you!

I think you should be kinder to yourself. It sounds like you were depressed for a time. You are still young and you have already done so much to change what you weren't happy with. Well done.

Sounds like you need to forgive yourself for not always being the person you are now. You got here, you made it. Be kind to yourself and that includes your past self.

This. And making that huge effort, with two little ones in tow, is a huge huge effort. You do realise that?

It’s the kind of effort that would be good for so many to do, but it’s simply too overwhelming. Even half of it. Keep your head high and your smile big because this is all your own doing!

I'm really proud of you ♥️

YOU made the decision to change your life for the better. It was brave and can't have been easy, but YOU did it. You're no imposter, this current you IS you. Well done, OP 💐

I think negative thought patterns can become engrained and hard to shake off.

It's a hard habit to break but can be done. Write a list of everything you've achieved and everything you like about yourself. Say it out loud. Whenever you start feeling doubts set in, read it again. Be kind to yourself, is a but of an over used phrase, but try and take it as 'talk to yourself how you'd talk to a friend'. If a friend had turned her life around completely, im sure there is absolutely no way you'd say to her that she didn't deserve it, she was only pretending at life, you are sure that she will slip back into failure again. Why then are you letting yourself talk to yourself like that?

Practice practice practice and it will get easier to shut down the doubting voice

It can be so hard to stop thinking negatively about yourself. Every time those negative thoughts pop in, think of where you are now and how you got yourself there. Honestly, it's a massive achievement. Keep looking forward :)