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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to forgive myself for how I used to be

67 replies

TheBonny · 12/07/2024 18:05

Hi all. I'm 31 and a single mum of two lovely girls (10 and 4yrs old). Neither of my girls were planned, and neither has an involved father in their life (their choice). This is something I carry deep shame about. I know people must judge when they hear of my situation, amplified by the fact that I do not currently work as my youngest daughter has special needs. I would of loved the traditional family, and in all honesty, I still feel a pang of sadness when I see others with it. I've struggled a lot over the past decade. I was only 21 when I had my first, I couldn't keep a tidy and clean house, I couldn't manage money, I fell in to rent arrears. I couldn't cook. I looked an absolute mess and took no pride in my appearance. Everything just felt so much all of the time. I wasn't a great mum. Fast forward to now and last year I decided enough was enough and I moved 4 hours away to an area where I knew nobody to start a new life, cut all ties with my old life where we were so unhappy and I am proud to say that has been a success and my girls and I have never been happier. I have literally turned every area of my life around. My house is clean and tidy, I've learnt to manage money, all my bills are paid and I'm even saving some. I take pride in my appearance everyday and really enjoy it actually. I am my daughter's biggest advocate and they are both thriving .. We have met so many amazing people and made new friends and had so many adventures over this past year. It was a massive decision and something I'm really proud of. I did it by myself and if the people in my "old" life could see me now then they would be really surprised. So, why can't I shake this feeling inside of me that I'm an "imposter"? That this isn't how I really am, and that deep down I'm just some scummy mum. We can't change the past so I would love to know how to move on from that in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, J. X

OP posts:
Greenspace81 · 12/07/2024 19:56

What a lovely thread, thanks so much for posting OP.

I relate to aspects of your story as a fellow single mum. Unfortunately, single parentism gets internalised. Thanks for making the type of courageous journey single-parent women often make visible. And well done!!

pinkjellybeanies · 12/07/2024 20:23

TheBonny · 12/07/2024 19:50

Thank you so much everyone 💗
To answer, I have contact with my family over the phone minimally but I decided not to maintain contact with anyone from my "old" life. I deactivated social media etc the day I left. I wanted a true fresh start. When I remember my past I almost feel like it isn't the same person. It's so strange. I feel sad for who I was but def proud of who I am now. I remember at my lowest I couldn't even get my daughter to school on time, some days, not even at all. My poor baby. Now I'm on the bloody PTA! I think a positive from this is that it has made me really compassionate and nice. If I met a girl now who was like me I know others would judge her, but I wouldn't. I'd want to help.

Honestly, you sound fantastic. I hope you get to work with people in some way.

Alltheyearround · 12/07/2024 20:27

My mum was left as a single parent at 36 after dad died very suddenly and out of the blue. I remember her drawing a path winding between trees and she copied this next to it:

Look to this day,
for it is life, the very breath of life.
In its brief course lie
all the realities of your existence;
the bliss of growth,
the glory of action,
the splendor of beauty.

For yesterday is only a dream,
and tomorrow is but a vision.
But today, well lived,
makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
and every tomorrow
a vision of hope.

Look well, therefore, to this day.

Kalidas (Indian poet)

She must have had times of despair about how she was going to raise 2 young girls and manage a house and bills when her world was falling to bits but she built a new life, day by day. It was at the time when the Conservatives were doing their ill founded moral crusade around single (female) parents and 'latchkey kids' and I know she felt ashamed sometimes of her situation - crazy really.

What I want to say is that women can be very strong, perhaps especially when life throws a curve ball or two. Be proud of who you are.

Another quote I really take to heart is Helen Keller

'Life is full of suffering, but it is also full of the overcoming of suffering'.

The people I really admire in life are the ones with inner strength who have faced their challenges and said this is not going to define me, I am bigger than this.

And I get how hard it is advocating for a child with SEND. The SEND board here (education) has always been a source of great wisdom and practical advice.

Onwards and upwards.

UneFoisAuChalet · 12/07/2024 20:30

You are amazing OP. Many of us dream of what you have done. Keep the past in the past. You are the ‘new’ you. Best of luck

IncompleteSenten · 12/07/2024 20:35

I'm so sorry you feel this way.
You have no need to. Look at what you did! You realised things weren't right and you changed your life. You full on, totally, all by yourself, changed your life and the lives of your daughters and you are giving them a happy life.

You are the furthest thing from a bad parent or a bad person. You took your entire life and said no thanks to it so you could be a better parent

Imposter? You're a bloody star is what you are! You did a very good but very hard thing for the sake of your children.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2024 20:41

You should be so, so proud yourself, op. You went through some very difficult years and have absolutely flourished. What an amazing example you have set for your children!

Decide right now to leave all of that unwarranted guilt and shame in the past where it belongs.

Maria1979 · 12/07/2024 20:41

Wow OP, how strong you are and what a good role model to your children. Life was shit and you decided to change for the better. Well done! And don't you dare feel embarrassed for who you were before; I would a million times prefer a friend like you who has gone through hardships and is capable of understanding other people's struggles without judging. Cringe, I know but you go girl!

LighthouseCat · 12/07/2024 20:43

You should be so proud of yourself. What you have done to make a new life for you and your girls is inspiring.

chosenone · 12/07/2024 20:51

This is such an uplifting read. You should be so, proud of yourself. You've made this happen, you've changed the outcomes for your DC. You sound strong, capable and a great role model to your DC. Women like you are amazing and so strong unlike the legion of ‘dads’ who can't or wont step up!

The past made you. Don't look back, look ahead, with pride 👌

GreatTheCat · 12/07/2024 20:59

No, come on! You have been resilient and open to change.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 12/07/2024 21:05

None of us here are the same person they were when they were 21. I'd only just moved out of home at that age and still was like a kid, going home to my mum's for a Sunday dinner every weekend after a night out clubbing every Saturday, taking my washing home. I mean, I was a nice person and my core values were the same then as they are now, but I was immature. A lot of people are at that age, but most of them don't have kids so it has no bearing either way whether they immature or not. It's just harder for those who have kids at that age.

But you got through it and have turned your life around. That can only be praise-worthy.

thequeenoftarts · 12/07/2024 21:08

Well done you!! You sound amazing, please try stop being so critical of yourself. What would you say to a friend who was telling you all this?

HappyHappyy · 12/07/2024 21:09

Big hugs 🤗 I've had such a shitty day at work, too much pressure and no support. Cried when I got home, everything felt too much. And cried again reading your post. You are not scummy - that's not being kind to yourself. Look how far you've come. I read it thinking wow, what a woman, children with a mum who loves them, and is doing her best for them, a mum building them a life and standing tall despite all the challenges in daily life. Look forward, you're not going backward. Do something kind for you this weekend. Jess Glynne 'Don't be so hard on yourself'. Listen to it x

Investinmyself · 12/07/2024 21:13

You should be proud of yourself. I wonder if mentoring others or volunteering with organisations that help young parents or parents of children with disabilities might help you see what a fab job you are doing. I

Actupfishy · 12/07/2024 21:16

Show me any 21 that has all their shit together.

i was 29 with my 1st, ended up a single mum living with my mum and becoming really dependent on her.

nearly 10 years later, own home and another baby with my life together (seemingly, I'd be mortified if I had an 'unannounced' visitor as house still often descends into chaos). I'm proud of how far I've come.

You should be even prouder not ashamed, they don't come with a guide book and there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

sounds like you made a great decision for yourself and your kids!

Luckyclover9 · 13/07/2024 00:16

Well done OP! What an amazing achievement. Look how much you have achieved in 1 year, and you and your girls have your whole life ahead of you yet - how exciting!

Mo819 · 13/07/2024 08:51

We all have things in out past that we are not proud off but my advice is this own your scars.
You can't run from your past so just except that's were you were and this is were you are . It's actually something to be very proud off.
Me today dosnt recognise me 20 years ago it's all part of growing up. Your doing good carry on .

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