How to forgive myself for how I used to be

[TheBonny]

Hi all. I'm 31 and a single mum of two lovely girls (10 and 4yrs old). Neither of my girls were planned, and neither has an involved father in their life (their choice). This is something I carry deep shame about. I know people must judge when they hear of my situation, amplified by the fact that I do not currently work as my youngest daughter has special needs. I would of loved the traditional family, and in all honesty, I still feel a pang of sadness when I see others with it. I've struggled a lot over the past decade. I was only 21 when I had my first, I couldn't keep a tidy and clean house, I couldn't manage money, I fell in to rent arrears. I couldn't cook. I looked an absolute mess and took no pride in my appearance. Everything just felt so much all of the time. I wasn't a great mum. Fast forward to now and last year I decided enough was enough and I moved 4 hours away to an area where I knew nobody to start a new life, cut all ties with my old life where we were so unhappy and I am proud to say that has been a success and my girls and I have never been happier. I have literally turned every area of my life around. My house is clean and tidy, I've learnt to manage money, all my bills are paid and I'm even saving some. I take pride in my appearance everyday and really enjoy it actually. I am my daughter's biggest advocate and they are both thriving .. We have met so many amazing people and made new friends and had so many adventures over this past year. It was a massive decision and something I'm really proud of. I did it by myself and if the people in my "old" life could see me now then they would be really surprised. So, why can't I shake this feeling inside of me that I'm an "imposter"? That this isn't how I really am, and that deep down I'm just some scummy mum. We can't change the past so I would love to know how to move on from that in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, J. X

Don’t let what’s happened yesterday ruin today and tomorrow.
Your children won’t remember much, they pretty much live in the moment. Just be proud your life is good now.

Imposter syndrome is a real thing for women

Be kind to yourself. What would you say to someone else in your position? What advice woukd you give to your younger self?

You've turned your life around. Well done, I'm sure there are many more great things that will come your way 🌷

Thank you so, so much for all these lovely comments. Feeling really overwhelmed by them and they have helped a lot. I have taken screenshots of the comments so I can look back on them if I'm ever doubting myself. Also, someone posted saying that there must of been someone holding me back in my old life and this is absolutely true. My family had very limiting beliefs about me and I was always seen as the incapable one. They said I'd never move away, even after saying I wanted to. When they realised I was going that changed to I would come back. Well, look at me now. I wouldn't even visit for a holiday. I've thrived on my own (and with the babies!) X

Have you had any irl contact, friends or family, who knew you back then during these years?

You are NOT a scummy mum, you are bloody amazing. Well done you incredible woman ❤️

This is the best thing I’ve read/heard today. You should be really proud of yourself, you have done an amazing job turning your life around and you are now reaping the benefits. Your girls are lucky to have you as you have managed to pull yourself up and make something of yourself…how many people can do that? Don’t forget you were barely an adult when you had a babies and I imagine those relationships were not that healthy. But you have grown up since then, you have learned from your mistakes and have turned into the person you are now. This is who you are and who you are meant to be. You need to believe in yourself and just look forward. So proud of you 👏

This right here ^ 100%

It will take a little time to feel this is you, but it really is.

Good for you for changing your life that takes courage and energy.

I think you are amazing.

Wow, you sound amazing 👏. Did you know that a lot of professionals also have imposter syndrome and worry that they are going to be "found out". It's actually more common than you think.
But, bloody hell haven't YOU done well!!!
Big pat on the back from me, you deserve it and good luck with your future endeavours hun xx

I want to echo previous posters and say I'm really proud of you. You have achieved so much and you did it unsupported and taught yourself. You sound like a strong capable woman and you're role modelling that to your children. You have every reason to see yourself as amazing.

You sound bloody amazing and an incredible role model for your daughters. Well done, you!

Well done! Seriously, very well done. You decerve to be very proud of yourself

I had my ds (aged 5 and a half now) at the age of 21- accidentally.

I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who have taken one look at me and made up their minds about who I am.

It’s really not easy having to unexpectedly grow up so fast. There isn’t a foundation of stability to work from and it takes time to build. It’s much harder to achieve with a child in hand. That doesn’t make you scummy- that makes you strong and hardworking.

You aren’t in the same position you were in at 21, you’ve improved things. You’ve done that with two children. That’s a massive achievement. Things will get better and in another 10 years you will make yourself and your girls even more proud.

Other people may not understand the struggles and hard work you’ve had to put in to get to where you are now because they had the benefit of time. Let them continue in their ignorance.

I understand how difficult it can be to be a young single mum, and I’m proud of you.

Well done, you have achieved so much. Tonight have a cry about the old you, wipe your face and say enough out loud. Then get on with your great new life with happy healthy children. You are a fantastic Mum so enjoy it.

Well done for everything you have achieved!! You have spotted areas you wanted to improve for your children and you have done it, even scarier moving away from what is familiar to do it. Such a brave decsion and it has been successful well done.

We all should be more grown up in 30s than early 20s. You have done it without support network around you so even better.

You are the parent that stayed and does the job of 2 parents, never be ashamed of being a single parent.

What a nice post.

Wow! What an achievement.

People live for a long time and you change a lot as you get older. Hopefully, you mature and change for the better - and that's exactly what you've done.

Congratulate yourself for turning around a not-so-good situation. It will take time to feel better and accepting about how things used to be - but you will... xx

Of course you shouldn’t feel bad. You are doing a great job rearing two young kids. If the fathers didn’t want to be involved that’s their loss to be honest. Please be aware that people in “traditional “ families may appear perfect to an outsider. But there are plenty of problems going on behind closed doors such as domestic and emotional abuse, cheating, miserable sexless marriages etc.

Thank you so much everyone 💗
To answer, I have contact with my family over the phone minimally but I decided not to maintain contact with anyone from my "old" life. I deactivated social media etc the day I left. I wanted a true fresh start. When I remember my past I almost feel like it isn't the same person. It's so strange. I feel sad for who I was but def proud of who I am now. I remember at my lowest I couldn't even get my daughter to school on time, some days, not even at all. My poor baby. Now I'm on the bloody PTA! I think a positive from this is that it has made me really compassionate and nice. If I met a girl now who was like me I know others would judge her, but I wouldn't. I'd want to help.

OP, I think you sound just marvellous.

I was also a young single mum, not as young as you, but widowed at 30 with a 4 year old and a 2 year old.

It was so SO tough. You should be very proud of raising those girls on your own and making a life for you all.

I also struggle with past choices, I don't think it's uncommon. But every step of your path has led you to where you are. And that is a good place.

Earlier today I read [wish I remember where]

'Look back, but don't stare'

I'm planning to remember this.

You sound amazing OP. It can’t be easy bringing up two children on your own and it’s a great achievement to make a fresh start in a new area. Don’t focus on the past, instead focus on your life now.

Never been more proud of a faceless stranger.
What an incredibly brave thing you did.
Feeling like an imposter? You did what we all as humans should be doing, growing, evolving and bettering ourselves. You just did what most fail to even see they need to do.
Honestly, you're incredible. Your girls, when they're grown themselves, are going to be so utterly proud and grateful for the mum they were given.

Imposter syndrome is just something that happens when we feel we’ve exceeded what we were expected to achieve in life - it’s that nasty little internal voice telling us we don’t deserve the things we’ve worked for, and it affects people from every walk of life. I’ve had conversations about it with the CEO of a global company and with a multi-millionaire banker, both of whom exuded polish and confidence, but deep down still felt like the ordinary kids from ordinary backgrounds they once were, and feared they might somehow be ‘found out’ one day and lose it all.

What you’ve done, OP, is harder than anything either of those people have ever done. To take yourself and your children out of such a negative situation and totally turn your lives around, and to do it completely alone, requires more inner strength and self belief than most of us possess. Especially when you had your family (the root cause of your self doubt and insecurity) heckling from the sidelines.

The kindest way to think of your past self is as you would a child - someone young and inexperienced, who made mistakes. From the place you are now, as a capable, mature woman, you can look back on your younger self with compassion. If she sat in front of you, lost and struggling, you’d not only forgive her, you’d want to comfort her and reassure her that things will get better.

We are all a work in progress, and who you are now, OP, is who you really are - you’re an inspiration, and your daughters are so lucky to have you.

My nan used to have a lovely saying, which I remind myself of every now and then: it isn't what we were, it's what we are." I can hear her saying it now!

It's easier said than done, but be proud of yourself. You sound really together and your girls are lucky to have you in their lives. Everyone has things in their past they're not proud of, but you've learned from your past and given you all such a wonderful future. Allow yourself to revel in it, live in the moment - you cannot change the past.