Family help with kids

[Cinocino]

I know I am being unreasonable, but when does it get easier having young kids with no help??

I know my kids are my responsibility blahh I get that, I really do. I’m not expecting weekly or regular childcare but every now and then you just realise how shit it is when you can’t really go on a date because your kids are too young to be comfortable with a stranger babysitter and you need to pick between who attends a close friend’s wedding because you don’t have anyone who could have your kids overnight.

It just seems like everyone I know around me have lots of family on hand to mind their kids for the night, look after them in the day and then phone to say “why don’t I just do dinner and bed for them here and drop then home in the morning?” Even having them while the couple go on holiday!

How do you navigate things if you have no ‘help’?
Date nights? Weddings? Just not feeling burned out?
Or do I just need to be told to get over myself?!

Kids are 3 and 1 but to be honest I don’t really see how it gets better with age!

You just have to sacrifice stuff like date nights for a few years, or take days off work during the week together. Sometimes weddings etc only one of you can go. It's what we have to do. It can suck but we accept it.

It is what it is. It does get better over time.

It’s hard, I didn’t go out for years, mine have grown up now. They aren’t little forever. Do they go to a nursery? As some of the workers will do babysitting so not leaving them with a stranger. It’s worth trying to get a babysitter for some time together, as it’s really not easy when you have zero help

Second both nursery staff for babysitting and the daytime dates. DH and I take a day off work every other month and do something just the two of us whilst kids are at school/nursery.

We have no help, so date nights/meals out include DD, we’re the 3 musketeers! It’s been hard at times but there’s no other option so that’s just how it is.

Why not get them used to a babysitter so they are no longer a stranger?

We worked quite hard to build a social network of other parents who help each other out. My oldest is coming up to be able to babysit now so feel like we've made it more or less lol. The first few years were hard though!

I found it hard sometimes when all my friends had babysitters on tap and exactly the same as you had to pick who would go to things.

However, what I noticed was the grandparents who were really involved with their grandchildren were quite interfering about how they were brought up. So I decided in the end it was a trade off - I had no help but also no interference!

That's odd for that to be the norm. I know so many people with parents who help and their relationships are great. I dont actually know any of them where the parents interfere rather than just be loving grandparents.

The trouble is when there's a social event that all your friends are going to and so you've lost your potential babysitters. So you can't join in!

I know it just is what it is and I need to get on with it. Which we do for the most part, it’s 3 years in and it’s usually fine it’s just every now and then you have the realisation of how much easier some people have it and that this is it for the next 12 years or so.
A friend was just chatting about what they were doing on their weekly day that the kids are with grandparents for the afternoon and then stay over and I just thought wow imagine what that would be like even just once!

It certainly seemed that way to me. Their relationships were still great but the grandparents felt they had a say as they looked after their grandchildren so much. I would have hated that.

I had a few friends who could do the odd baby sitting, I would babysit for them in return. But nothing really regular.

Sign then both up for scouting. It was bliss a few years ago when both mine went of a district scouting event for the same 4 nights at the same time. First 4 nights we'd had by ourselves since the kids where born. They also both love scouting.

Also it was odd when we went into covid we had two young children we couldn't leave. By the time it had ended my oldest was old enough to babysit the younger for a couple of hours it was odd and a bit wired to suddenly be able to go out for dinner just the two of us once in a while.

It does seem hard but they do grow up quite quickly and you will be able to go out again.

I think just a combination of their ages still being young and financially we wouldn’t be able to use a babysitter regularly enough for them to overly be used to it, particularly in the evening or bedtime you know?

Maybe when they are 6 & 8 or something that becomes more feasible? I’m not sure really, I don’t know anyone who uses actual babysitters so I don’t know when that becomes easier.

That's a sweeping statement. I'm a grandparent who helps out a lot and have done from birth, for all of my GC but I have never interfered in how they were brought up. If I have an opinion, I keep it to myself

OP can you build up a network of parents in the same boat so you can support each other?

The nursery suggestions are good! I guess lots of people maybe utilise that.
Our nursery don’t let the staff babysit, I remember hearing another parent ask when my oldest was younger, which is a shame because she does love some of the girls there.

It's hard. Mine have SEN so I could never reliably find a babysitter that they would settle for. We tend to get takeaways and a bottle of wine once the DC are in bed. Find a nice hotel with either two bedrooms or a nice roll top bath to enjoy a glass of wine in once the DC are in bed. Take it in turns to have nights out with friends. We went to a wedding recently and eldest played until late and youngest (2) can sleep through anything and fell asleep at the table so we managed to stay until 10. I can't help with the burn out, I live life constantly on the brink but if your DC are in nursery I would say book a day off whilst DC are there to have time to yourself. And once old enough, book DC in scouts or similar so you get an overnight break!

We are in a similar position. Our are 10 and 6, and the eldest wouldn't cope with bedtime with anyone he wasn't really familiar with. We have granparents close-by, but they aren't willing/able to help much, and my parents are over an hour away. Mum helps out as much as she can, but it isn't practical/fair to ask much, and we have never had a whole night away since they were born. Currently trying to fins a babysitter, just for evenings, but it is proving really hard where we are! It's getting very fustrating!

We were lucky that we wfh so while dc was at nursery, we could sometimes coordinate or schedules to have lunch together. Occasionally we even left the house and went out for lunch.

We had a baby sitting circle. Everyone had vouchers for x number of hours and they were used as payment for whoever babysat

Can the grandparents help at all? Ours could if we drove the few hours to them and then we could head out, have a lie on etc. Maybe they are abroad.
We had babysitters from the outset. In the beginning the babysitter just came to play with them, get to know them and l was still around. Gradually we went out for an hour and then longer.
Never for a wedding though as its just too long.

We pay for babysitters. We use bubble app and meet them in daytime together then worked up. We have two great ones now who can even put our 3 (5 and under) to bed.

We also take turns with our friends who we met at antenatal so we can each have date nights.

I don't know if this is because we are in London but not many of my friends with kids have family on call to help with sitting.

It's tough isn't it? We had no family near and with 3 young children, all my salary went on nursery fees and we couldn't afford to pay a baby sitter for social events on top of that.

What about seeing if you can set up a baby sitting circle, so you reciprocate babysitting?-again, it's not easy - I tried to do this but so many people said oh it's fined I use grandparents for babysitting...

Worth a shot though?

this.

I wish more people would do this, it makes more sense than relying on elderly or un-retired parents or people who don't have kids/ other family members.

Make friends with other parents, put the effort into maintaining the friendships and you can do reciprocal childcare.

It's how so many of my long term friends grew up together. Our parents were friends who shared childcare with each other, shared the holidays, did group days out to the beach and museums etc.

this aversion to maintaining friendships when your kids are in early childhood is a detriment. Build your own village with likeminded people.

Comparison is the thief of joy. It's easy to think everyone else has it better off. Imagine what it's like for single parents with no support.