Family help with kids

[Cinocino]

I know I am being unreasonable, but when does it get easier having young kids with no help??

I know my kids are my responsibility blahh I get that, I really do. I’m not expecting weekly or regular childcare but every now and then you just realise how shit it is when you can’t really go on a date because your kids are too young to be comfortable with a stranger babysitter and you need to pick between who attends a close friend’s wedding because you don’t have anyone who could have your kids overnight.

It just seems like everyone I know around me have lots of family on hand to mind their kids for the night, look after them in the day and then phone to say “why don’t I just do dinner and bed for them here and drop then home in the morning?” Even having them while the couple go on holiday!

How do you navigate things if you have no ‘help’?
Date nights? Weddings? Just not feeling burned out?
Or do I just need to be told to get over myself?!

Kids are 3 and 1 but to be honest I don’t really see how it gets better with age!

There’s no aversion to mainting friendships because my kids are young! All my friends with kids have family who babysit on tap so aren’t interested in any sort of babysit trade.

Grandparents live hours away - so we holiday with them. Means we actually get a bit of holiday time, and not just full time childcare somewhere less convenient than home!

Our DC are 12 & 9 and we haven’t had a date night in 12 years!! We have no family to help. It’s just the 4 of us. They’ve never stayed over at a grandparents house.
Once they started school we’d have date lunches now and then.
We keep saying, just a few more years then we get a weekend away together.
im so envious when I see other friends at child free events together with their husband, or dropping their kids off for a weekend with Granny

On the contrary to OP, I don't think your kids are ONLY your responsibility. IF they have grandparents, aunt and uncles and older siblings, then responsibility is shared. Then I also think when kids are in no vicinity of relatives/older adults, it is the responsibility of our society to look after them/prevent them from danger as much as possible. They are the future taxpayers paying our pensions!

Think of Au Pair (there are many decent live in options for exchange of 'language skills'), nanny (can be more expensive) or neighbours. Don't be afraid to ask for help - 9 times out of 10 people will not refuse to help you!

It doesn't get better. Well mine are 10 and 12 and it isn't. But it's easier because I'm so used to it.

Well as a Granny who does childcare, babysitting and any other help needed I definitely don't interfere in my grandchildren's upbringing. There have been no cross words between me and their parents. They value the help I provide and don't take it for granted and I get to be a big part of their lives but get to send them home at the end of the day. Win win all round here I think.

Put a word out in your local facebook group about swapping childcare. Hopefully you will bw able to choose from a group of people that tou can swap childcare with. Obviously you nor your child will click with everyone

My husband and I are lucky as we do have a bit of help from grandparents for special occasions but we mostly go out separately with friends so we still have a social life. We also have holidays/playdates with other couples with kids so there's other people to have a chat and a couple of drinks with. It has been a game changer (but my kids are a bit older). A friend of mine has a date night once a week with her husband at home. They listen to music, play cards, have a nice meal with wine etc. You can also take it in turns to babysit for friends (you look after their kids one night - your husband stays at home with yours & then they do the same for you). It isn't easy but hopefully you'll get more of your life back as they get older.

I joined a babysitting circle.

We had coffee mornings so the kids got used to the adults.

Downside was you had to pay back the babysitting hours.

How do you navigate things if you have no ‘help’?Date nights? Weddings? Just not feeling burned out?

Pay babysitters
Have date nights inside when the kids are in bed.
Go to weddings if kids are invited and not if they aren’t.
Ask friends to babysit-we looked after my friend’s kids when they were little if they were invited to a wedding as they had no family nearby.

Why not you and your husband both take a days annual leave every month and go out for bottomless brunch or a spa day or something whilst the kids are at school/nursery?

We hadnt much help op. Thankfully dont need it now she 18. It was hard. Re weddings one was mid week so I got an evening babysitter as kids had school. His mam minded x1 if we had an xmas party. I got a break with playdates we took turns. Looking back was very hard zero help

You’re right! We did this with my first but I’m just finishing up mat leave atm so I guess it’s been a long year when it hasn’t been as easy to get a break which is probably why it stings more hearing about a friends weekly day & night off!

I would say definitely from 4, things are a lot easier in the sense that you can take them with you and they can stay up as normal for weddings, etc.

We don’t have date nights and we don’t really go away just the 2 of us, maybe like 3 times since dd was born nearly 12 years ago. Weddings we go as a family or one of us goes alone if childfree or not at all. Holidays, we holiday separately if we want an adult holiday, one of us stays home with dc, one of us goes away alone (I love it!) or with friends.

You still can’t magically go away together and abandon dc at home for quite awhile (15+ maybe?). But we get plenty of time to do things we enjoy and have free time, we just can’t do it together. We spend time together at home instead, which is fine. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, but I think a lot of that is to do with getting the time to myself I need to re-charge and do grown up things I enjoy.

I think though as hard as it can be, I appreciate that I am my children’s primary parent. The one who is present and available for them when they need me. I have friends who have family help and they outsource so much that they see their children fewer nights of the week than family does. Not having the easy free help has meant we’ve had to build a life where we are both fully present at home. I wouldn’t have appreciated it when my youngest was 1, but I do now.

I get it. We're in the same boat. But there's no point comparing yourself to others, that's their deal, this is yours. You just have to accept it.
Over time it will get easier. But yeah it's a bit daunting when you stop and think about how little free time you have as a couple and how long it goes on for. It's no wonder some people's marriages can't survive it.
Luckily for me dh isn't fussed about going out and is happy to stay home while I see friends or go to the gym etc.
But I miss nights out together and would be upset if one of us had to miss out on a wedding or something like that. It is what it is.

Get a babysitter from nursery so they're not a stranger. Or find a recommended one and pay them to come round for an hour a few times while you're there until your kids feel comfortable

Get them used to it regularly even if you don't have anything specifically to do
Meet friends at home for takeaways instead of going out
Get to know people in the same boat and do reciprocal childcare with them.

My youngest is 6 and we are just at the stage of being able to leave them overnight with a friend

It's tough but there are actually a lot of people in the same boat- don't like near family, family are ill or elderly or don't get on etc

Absolutely no one I know has grandparents available to help, so everyone I know including myself just outsource. I have my kids used to a babysitter that we use, and nanny share at times with a local nanny. Unfortunately just like most people you would either have to forget about it or pay for the additional help.

Lone parent here, with very little family help. My mum would babysit sometimes but she worked full time so I didn't often ask as her weekends were her only downtime.

I just often didn't go to things. That's how it was. I wasn't prepared to leave DS with a babysitter other than my mum as I just don't trust people.

He's 16 now and I can do what I want 🤣 but yeah for a good long while I didn't have much adult time.

I was very young when I had him though so there weren't many weddings going on! Most people in my circle are only just marrying and starting families now.

I remember reading online that the biggest parenting hack is having grandparents who live local.

As someone whose parents and in-laws live 2-3 hours away this resonated a lot.

I think there's a level of acceptance that it's just how it is, but our parents are very understanding so when they do come to stay we normally coincide that with a date night. Few and far between though.

Look on the bright side- visits to the grandparents will be a special thing for your kids, not just regular childcare or school pick up!

I remember as a child how special it was to visit my granny and gramps who lived 100 miles away. Our own kids had the same experience with my parents.

Even in the best circumstances where there's no conflict over how sweets/ tv time etc, there's no way weekly childcare can replicate the excitement of a special visit. And you only have to read MN to see how often there is conflict, however minor, over how things are done, or grandparents' time being restricted due to mum and dads work hours or school term times.

It is hard. My older one is 10 and we do have a teenager we pay occasionally but when you are paying by the hour it gets very expensive to do more than pop out for a quick dinner. And have to be able to take teenager back home afterwards... Also not an option for overnight. Difficult to make arrangements with friends as all the other parents I know either have family help so not interested in swaps or are lone parents/have a partner who works away a lot at weekends/ have a child with SEN who wouldn't cope with me looking after them. There are definitely people I could ask in an emergency/for a funeral or something which is great but not really if we just fancy going out. So I have no magic solutions but just to let you know you're not the only one! It annoys me when people look baffled that you can't both go to a wedding or both take part in the same hobby or that you have to drag younger one round secondary open days as nobody to leave them with....

We have just booked a holiday with kids club for the first time so I'm hoping that might be good in terms of us having a bit of time while they are occupied.

It's not a statement at all it was an observation.

And that's great and how I'd like to be if I'm lucky enough to have grandchildren.

I know Dana not easy. I found it bit easier once they were school age. It must be nice to have good backup and not always be stressed.

We have family but they’ve never offered to help and have babysat maybe once in 13 years… and that was a huge deal and they simply don’t want to practically help ever.
We have 3dcs and absolutely zero support whatsoever , even when I had three under 6 and was sick or dh away or friends weddings or juggling work , I’ve been with all three to a+e etc etc They.will.not.help.
I don’t get it , I would happily help a stranger but hey ho such is life….
And yup we have lots of lovely friends but they don’t want or need to do baysitting swaps. It would be extremely weird for me to ask one of my friends to have all three so we could go out . Mn always suggests just build support , we have friends but no one here does babysit swaps.
Honestly op , my eldest is just 13,10 and 7 and no I don’t find it easier . Yes we can get a babysitter (local teen) for a few hours which is great but we can’t go away , we’ve missed tons of weddings , big birthdays of friends. I don’t know when we can leave the kids on their own , I worry as they are all boys and when I read on here posters often talk about their teenage sons being too immature to babysit younger siblings . I absolutely can’t now as my middle son is v v tricky and my eldest is just 13 so couldn’t be in control of a 7 year and 10 year old. We are burnt out with work and exhaustion but really can’t seem to access suppprt bar the odd babysitter and obviously it’s also v expensive on top of the night out as 10/11 euros an hour.
Sorry I’m negative but it’s hard going , it’s another planet to me. My friend recently joined me at a wedding with her husband and we were there with all our kids (they were actually invited for once ) and I asked her where their kids were and she just casually said she just left them with her sister . I couldn’t even do that to go to the toilet . We swap over though my dh and me , we even give each other weekends off where we’ll take them camping etc .