To think that DH resents my career progression?

[GelatinousDynamo]

Some background information to start with: my DH (in his mid-forties) is 10 years older than me. No kids. We met at work (a large accountancy firm, he wasn't my boss) and have been together for 9 years, married for 2. In our old firm he was made junior partner, but was unhappy and left, he has been self-employed since. His business is going quite well, but his revenue growth is of course limited - he has no employees (doesn't want any) and can only work what he can manage on his own, he has almost reached his limit.

In the nine years we've been together I've been rather career driven, have finished my professional exams and changed firms, I've climbed the career ladder and now manage a mid-sized team and have managed to acquire and maintain some good client relationships. I had my yearly review last week and my boss announced that he'll be putting me on the "inner circle" partner track. This basically means that I will make partner in the next 2-3 years, unless I manage to fuck up spectacularly (I hope not).

Of course I told my DH as soon as I got home. DH of course made all the right noises, congratulated me, but somehow I had a feeling that something wasn't right. I had to pester him a little, but then he admitted that he wasn't sure if I wasn't making a mistake. That he's been there and he couldn't deal with the pressure and the politics and that I'm even worse at dealing with pressure than he is (that's actually true). I simply said that I've been working towards it for years, and that I could always leave if it didn't work out.

But I have this feeling that he's been acting strange since then. Like it would be a personal insult to him if I succeeded where he did not. He's suddenly making noises that his job is useless anyway (it's not), and that maybe he should become a SAHH if I'm going to be earning more than double his earnings anyway. It's supposed to be joke, but no one's laughing. We were talking yesterday about repairs that will be needed on our house in the next few years, and I said maybe we should wait how my job works out, sell this house and buy something closer to the city, so I wouldn't have to commute as far (it takes me about 2 hours a day, luckily I can WFH 2 days per week, he only WFH). He then said something like "sorry, this is the best house I could afford" (2/3 belong to him because I couldn't raise that much down payment at the time) and this is where I just had enough. Told him to grow up. Now we're not speaking and I'm wondering if I went too far, should have taken more care with his feelings, or if my anger is justified and he's just being a manchild. My understanding was that this was an equal partnership, but suddenly it seems to me like I'm not allowed to outgrow him.

how old are your children

he’s a bit jealous. No big deal as long as he gets over it sharp ish 🤷

but you sound unhappy generally even this issue aside

OP said no children

oh i saw the bit about stay at home

No, YANBU. He’s feeling insecure about his decisions/the state of his business and ability to provide, but instead of dealing with that in a mature way - by discussing it with you/looking at therapy to talk through his feelings, he’s lashing out at you as if it’s your fault. He wants to hold you back and cut you down to make himself feel better, as if it would actually make him feel better! It won’t.

I actually think you’ve been quite patient with him, considering his ‘jokes’.

Sounds like he is resentful of your success either because he is jealous/ashamed he hasn’t done the same or because his business isn’t going as well as he’d hoped and feels left behind.

YANBU about his reaction, he sounds like a jealous baby who doesn’t want a wife who is more successful than he is. He sounds insecure and scared of your success, but also unsatisfied with his work.
But if he’s a good partner in other ways then maybe it’s worth discussing his feelings about his job vs yours and he could see an advisor / coach about what direction he wants to take his business in so he can have a bit more job satisfaction too.

You aren’t wrong and you know it. Honestly I think it seems like you have outgrown him. If I were you and with no kids I’d just leave.

Took me a min but I think SAHH is stay at home husband (aka a cocklodger on mumsnet 😂😂)

No children.

I hope you're right and that he gets over it.

I'm not unhappy, I guess I'm just very proud of what I've achieved (I do not come from a background where professional careers were expected or encouraged) and this feels like a slap in the face.

So many issues here.

He’s feeling jealous, emasculated, projecting his own career failures onto you, and is NOT going to hack you being more successful than he ever was.

The snide and self-pitying comments about his job being useless, being a stay at home husband and apologising for the house is telling you all you need to know about his opinion of your success. He doesn’t like it.

His business is actually going really well, but of course it's not as "glamorous" as the job he had previously. But I thought he was fine with it. Maybe I was wrong.

I guess we really should talk more. We have our ups and down, but generally, he has been a good partner. Has his moments where he's absolutely infuriating (HATES being corrected or criticized), but other than that, we've been alright.

Seems spot he is jealous and insecure. You began younger and more junior than him. Now you will equal and may overtake him. Maybe he's realising what he lost by not sticking it out as a partner.

There are countless studies that prove men are much happier when their partner earns less. My dh has never been as happy as since I have taken a professional turn and now earn less than him.

Nature or nurture who knows - but as much as we'd like most men just can't get over not being the main breadwinner.

Exactly this 😂

It’s only been a week and you’ve not even been made partner yet, if he’s normally supportive, maybe this has all just been taken out of context. If he’s a jerk normally, the more reason why you should keep working on your career so you can leave him.
For the house though, would you resent him paying less of the mortgage in future if you buy a house that ‘he can’t afford’? Like I won’t be happy if DH just tells us to move, maybe double our mortgage just because he now gets paid more money when our current house is perfect. That will cause a strain on the finances and imagine earning more but not getting an equivalent standard of living because you have bought above the household means (as these are things you need to consider especially if there’ll be times when you may go on maternity leave etc) Because this is not an issue yet and I can already see how that may turn out.

It just seems he’s a bit jealous to me OP

and you’re now wondering whether you’re not allowed to “outgrow him” (bit of a shitty description!)

seems like an over reaction on your part considering all in recent days

First (and most importantly): CONGRATULATIONS!!! This is a huge deal and you should be incredibly proud of yourself!

As for your H: it does sound like he is feeling jealous and insecure. This is more common in relationships than you’d think, even “equal” partnerships. It was only equal when he was “more equal” than you.

He made decisions that impacted his career and is now realizing your star is on the rise and will likely eclipse his. He is now confronting the “what ifs” of where he might be if he’d stayed with the firm. I also suspect with the age difference, him affording 2/3 of the house etc. he was used to being the “provider” and further ahead/more competent and knowledgeable professionally given his age. To be clear this is not a you issue, he’s the one that has to work through whatever feelings your promotions and progression bring up on him.

As your partner - especially given you work in the same profession - he should be your biggest cheerleader because he knows what you’re achieving is so big. Him trying to sow doubt (you won’t handle the stress cos he didn’t) is manipulative, disrespectful and patronizing. Him turning a very reasonable discussion on relocating to help facilitate your new job (when he entirely WFH) into a weird rant about the best HE can afford is petty and childish.

The last thing you should be doing is worrying about and pandering to this man-baby’s irrational, egotistical and misogynistic feelings because they are a reflection of HIM not YOU. I would explain he needs to get a grip, get on board or get out: you can’t have a partner who will sabotage an amazing opportunity because of his insecurities. You were presumably supportive of his career choices, he should afford you the same support. That’s what being an equal partnership means. FWIW my career has always been more high-flying and successful than my H and he has always got more out of my successes than his own. He is prouder of me than I am of myself. Your H should be celebrating this moment with you, and doing everything to keep you on track to partner.

And finally: CONGRATULATIONS! Go YOU!!!!!

Be thankful you don’t have children. Same field but I left big4 because my ex husband was threatened by my progression. To be fair, he subsidized me working while we had young children. The day I made divisional CFO of the technology group of the broker dealer I joined I was so proud of my accomplishment. I came home beaming. He made all the right noises but truth be told he was making the same comments about being a SAHP now I was making enough.

Fast forward 5 years and I had 3 promotions during covid and moved to work for a bank heading up a division. I massively increased my income and my marriage fell apart. I met with my partner who hired me all those years ago when I was heavily pregnant with my son. She told me it’s extremely common and happened to her and countless of her peers. It’s an age old problem apparently.

Dont think you should stay with him to have a child. If you want a child, divorce him and have a child on your own with donated sperm.

Im so sorry. Look to figure out the house and set yourself up for a divorce.

Jeez, another jealous and resentful man who can't handle his wife being successful. Don't let him hold you back just so he can feel like the Big Man.
And what's with him "owning 2/3 of the house"? You're married, it's your joint home.

In his shoes I'd feel very jealous too but I hope I'd be able to say so and not resort to making snide remarks like your DH.

Does anybody want to be corrected or criticised by their partner? I don't do that unless DH asks my opinion of something he's done and vice versa. He's not my boss or my life coach or my stylist and I'm not his. We're both careful to frame things in terms of our own needs or feelings - we learned how to do this in some relationship workshop years ago and it's been useful ever since.

It always felt like I was catching up to him (not in a bad way, he's started much earlier and had more experience), and he's always supportive. It's never been a problem. Just became one now that I've almost made his equal, I guess.

YANBU

It's interesting that he has a higher share of the house because he paid more in, but then joked about becoming a house husband if you earn more.

If he's normally a decent person, I'd give him some time and then try and have a proper discussion about it.

That’s quite a leap! Maybe he’s feeling jealous and resentful. Not fair to OP but very human emotions and something that can very definitely be worked through. Geez, no one’s perfect and marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. Marriages go through niggles; you do your best to work them out not head straight for a divorce!

does he want children?

Thank you. It's a lot to consider.

@GelatinousDynamo his job is useless anyway (it's not), and that maybe he should become a SAHH if I'm going to be earning more than double his earnings anyway.

Why would he stop working? He sounds lazy and entitled, and confused. He likes the idea of not working and having a “sugar mamma” but he doesn’t like the power shift and dynamics that come with it.

Tell him to grow the fu-ck up.