To think that DH resents my career progression?

[GelatinousDynamo]

Some background information to start with: my DH (in his mid-forties) is 10 years older than me. No kids. We met at work (a large accountancy firm, he wasn't my boss) and have been together for 9 years, married for 2. In our old firm he was made junior partner, but was unhappy and left, he has been self-employed since. His business is going quite well, but his revenue growth is of course limited - he has no employees (doesn't want any) and can only work what he can manage on his own, he has almost reached his limit.

In the nine years we've been together I've been rather career driven, have finished my professional exams and changed firms, I've climbed the career ladder and now manage a mid-sized team and have managed to acquire and maintain some good client relationships. I had my yearly review last week and my boss announced that he'll be putting me on the "inner circle" partner track. This basically means that I will make partner in the next 2-3 years, unless I manage to fuck up spectacularly (I hope not).

Of course I told my DH as soon as I got home. DH of course made all the right noises, congratulated me, but somehow I had a feeling that something wasn't right. I had to pester him a little, but then he admitted that he wasn't sure if I wasn't making a mistake. That he's been there and he couldn't deal with the pressure and the politics and that I'm even worse at dealing with pressure than he is (that's actually true). I simply said that I've been working towards it for years, and that I could always leave if it didn't work out.

But I have this feeling that he's been acting strange since then. Like it would be a personal insult to him if I succeeded where he did not. He's suddenly making noises that his job is useless anyway (it's not), and that maybe he should become a SAHH if I'm going to be earning more than double his earnings anyway. It's supposed to be joke, but no one's laughing. We were talking yesterday about repairs that will be needed on our house in the next few years, and I said maybe we should wait how my job works out, sell this house and buy something closer to the city, so I wouldn't have to commute as far (it takes me about 2 hours a day, luckily I can WFH 2 days per week, he only WFH). He then said something like "sorry, this is the best house I could afford" (2/3 belong to him because I couldn't raise that much down payment at the time) and this is where I just had enough. Told him to grow up. Now we're not speaking and I'm wondering if I went too far, should have taken more care with his feelings, or if my anger is justified and he's just being a manchild. My understanding was that this was an equal partnership, but suddenly it seems to me like I'm not allowed to outgrow him.

Oh yes the age gap passed me by on first read but maybe also he liked having a young wife to feel superior to, and now you’re flourishing he’s annoyed that he suddenly has a “grown up” partner. (Not that you were a literal child before but his junior)

would i be correct in thinking he is very keen to have children?

In your OP you said that it feels like you aren't "allowed to outgrow him". Freudian slip?

No kids?
Get out.
He's pathetic.

together almost a decade

he’s been a bit jealous for a few days

He doesn't have to stay doing what he's doing though. You're not responsible for his career.

Weighing in as the man in this situation.

Firstly, congratulations! It's so nice to hear hard work paying off stories :) - be proud of yourself and bask in your accomplishments.

My wife earns twice what I do and I couldn't be happier for her. I think in part, it's because she has never commented on my salary to make me feel insecure, but also because we put a fixed sum in the joint account, so whatever 'extra' she earns is hers anyway. I'd feel more bad if I felt she was subsidizing me! The other aspect is that I work in a job I enjoy (I'd do it even if I wasn't paid), whereas hers is very stressful and thankless, so in that respect, there is a 'mutual' jealousy.

If you go by the red pill forums, it could also be another thing the above posters haven't mentioned... With success, you tend to get associated traits. You become more assertive, snappy, decisive, controlling, you develop your own ego, become very critical... 'Leadership' qualities that men (I don't know your DH), might struggle with if you suddenly start presenting, particularly if he's used to someone more 'submissive' and easy going. Could that be his worry? In that respect, I do speak from experience as things like big decisions have been made without me, and I have been told "I don't need you" during times of stress. This is not something I have encountered with past girlfriends who have been on a more level playing field.

In truth, I think it sounds more like insecurity rather than jealousy and my 'third' option to me.

I wouldn't let this deflate you. Don't curb your success to bolster his ego.

The power dynamic in your relationship has changed and he doesn't like it.

When he met you, you were 10 yrs further down the career ladder than him in the same industry and he was at partner level; I bet that made him feel powerful and knowledgeable and good about himself.

Now you are his equal (career-wise), he still keeps you lower than him by not sharing the house ownership 50/50, but you're also more youthful and the more eligible of the two of you (potentially).

He doesn't like that; he no longer feels like "the man".

If he wasn't acting like a big jealous baby, there would be no problem. He's got to stop it because he is making your home an unhappy one. Does he seriously think you'll live the rest of your long prosperous life in an unhappy home?

He's got a good job and so have you. You are in line to make good money, because you have chosen to apply yourself to the career he ducked out of.

There's no shame in what he chose to do, but you are due some credit, not this damn carping from him!

We agreed on one child, years ago, but when we discussed the "logistics" he absolutely refused to stay home with the baby for longer than a month, and expected me to take a year's parental leave (we're not in England, in here both parents are entitled to a year's parental leave, the split is up to the parents, most couples we know have split it 50/50). Since then I've also found out that I have an increased risk of breast cancer and my priorities have shifted. I don't want to have a child if it means that it should lose its mother as a young adult like I did. Also, pregnancy increases the risk of developing cancer by a large margin. DH knows this and he hasn't put any pressure on me

I don't want to end a long and (mostly) happy relationship over what I hope is a miscommunication issue. But I don't know how to talk to him without coming across as condescending.

I'm glad DH isn't like this as I earn a good deal more than him He's just like "Great!" when I get a payrise. It's not like I just go and and buy a load of shoes, it means a better quality of life for all of us.

Do you think he might also be worried about you because he found it so hard and showing it in a really unhealthy way?

Thank you, this is very insightful. I have become more assertive, but I actually don't see it as a bad thing (I used to be an absolute doormat when younger). He might be struggling with it.

You were angry, justified to feel that way, and expressed yourself. I don’t think you should beat yourself up about it. You need to talk to each other properly about what is going on with your respective feelings rather than putting up with his passive aggressive comments. Just put it all out on the table in a calm way. I’m sure he has mixed feelings, feels proud and pleased for you but also feels insecure and worries he made the wrong decision in his own career.

I hate to break it to you…absolutely this is going to be a huge issue. The dynamic in your marriage has shifted and it’s not going to shift back.

The thunderous look on my ex husbands face when I told him to do the damn laundry. ‘But I cooked dinner’ resulted in me absolutely losing my temper. Post divorce he told me in coparenting therapy that I was controlling. No, we have 3 children and things need to get done sometimes by both of us. If you want to try and save your marriage go to a marriage counselor.

Ditto. I know my dh is proud of what me and what he has helped me build. We both of an age where we come from very traditional backgrounds, of the wives having bits of jobs, with the main focus on supporting their husbands, but he loves the fact that I'm ambitious and actually quite good in my career. We pool all of our money, we are a team and make sure we have equal spending, equity and pensions. I know some couples don't do this, so I wonder if this is what causes resentment?

Household has never been an issue, we divide everything pretty much equally. We both cook in the evenings, he does the washing up and laundry and I usually do the shopping on my way home and I look after the dog more. We have a cleaning lady. So the division of chores has never been a problem for us.

But I think I'm starting to understand a bit of what some are saying here: he's been able to "look after" me for years and that's meant something for him (and his self-esteem). It's been shifting for years but has become obvious now that we're facing a new stage in our marriage, seems like it's making him feel insecure. I hope he can work it out for himself.

Good thing is, I'm no longer feeling angry. Thanks mumsnet.

It doesn't sound as if he's feeling good about himself at all. Saying his job is "useless" is a bad sign. Maybe he's forgotten positive reasons why he became self-employed in the first place or maybe he's ready for another change himself. Part of his insecurity might be that you wont value him if you succeed professionally where he didn't. And he's not going to be a father either which is a loss. There's an element of "giving up" in what he said about staying at home.

You could try the old faithful "when you said X I felt Y" (X is what he said about making a mistake, or you being bad at dealing with pressure, and Y is belittled? put down? threatened?) and then ask him how he's feeling.

There's a difference between assertive at work and assertive at home. Talking about feelings is assertive but I wouldn't do feelings-talk at work!

Firstly congratulations it's amazing!

I think I'd give him a minute (or a few more days). He might be feeling insecure and while it's not ok and he should have responded in a better way it sounds like he isn't feeling great. It isn't your job to downplay your success but maybe this has brought into sharp relief something he was already feeling.

Maybe at the start of next week you could have a conversation about it? If he won't talk about it that's a whole different ball game

Congratulations on your good job news OP.

If it were me I would use any extra income to buy a pied-a-terre near or in the city I worked in. I would use it as a break from the commute each day I was needed in the office and a chance to have a break from any negativity at home!

He hates being criticized, but what's he's hearing is when YOU succeed at the job he failed at, YOU will be able to get both of you a decent home unlike the one he majority provided. When YOU have your great career your life will be so much better than what you have, you can move location to suit you because your job is the important one and he'll just have to plod along with his stupid little home grown failures

And yes, he's being ridiculous but that's the ego for you.

You need to talk and separate out issues.

Do you both want to move?
Do you both want to move to X town?
How does he feel about his business? MN will say he shouldn't ever get positive praise because he's not 5 but maybe he DOES need to hear that he's doing well, that his job is important and that you respect him now as much as you ever have.

Yanbu, and yes he should be supporting you. I think though that this will have triggered some feelings for him about himself and his lack of corporate 'success'...which he is protecting on to you. You're basically reminding him of his failures. Yes he should be more grown up about it but its a fairly common human reaction to make himself feel better about it. You see it all the time (someone rubbishing a uni that they didn't get into, to a friend that did, someone saying nasty things about an area that they can't afford to live in, to a friend who does etc). He feels like you are thinking the house that he could afford is no longer 'good enough' and he fears that this will mean you no longer think he is 'good enough'.

I'd say though that it's quite a leap to have a couple of conversations that haven't gone well, to posting on mumsnet about 'outgrowing' him though. How is everything else in your relationship?

It’s hard to know which direction this is going in.

If he is insecure, jealous and needing to put you down to feel like “the man of the house”, he probably needs to go. At least you have financial independence and no kids, and you are still only in your 30s, so you can definitely rebuild your life.

If you really love each other and he wants to support you, he needs to accept that your roles have shifted. You will have the primary career role, he as the stay at home person, will be in charge of domestic duties.

Agree he's probably feeling insecure and having some self doubts (not fair but helps to explain his perspective/behaviour), as you work through this together and if you do want to move I wonder if reframing the house as the best you could both afford would help. If you'd been on a higher wage when you bought, it would have been 50/50 rather than 2/3 to 1/3. To save his face a bit you could present moving as upping your contribution rather than outdoing his?

Congratulations on your achievements. You've worked hard, stay proud!